Here at FOX, we know that when People see pictures of all the sweeping Tornado Damage, and they will be tempted to "blame it all on Climate Change". Now we can't have that, can we?
Were all appalled by the extensive "havoc" continuing to hit Middle America, during the ongoing 2011 Spring Storms Season. But calling it "Tornado Outbreak of 2011" just doesn't sum it all up into that simple hook, we can all hang our hats on ... now does it?
Remember the "SnowMageddon Campaign" -- that was our handiwork. Who needs egghead Scientists, when a clever "branding and relabeling" effort can make all critical thought, simply fade away.
Afterall the People need simple answers. Here at FOX we aim to provide them. No thinking required. We Decided.
FOX News directors try to be Proactive. We are quite skilled at "preventing the inevitable" for as long as possible. Connecting the Dots -- well, that's not us.
The call has gone out to our Regulars ... their clever re-labeling suggestions are starting to drift back in ...
Sean Hannity:
"Rename the Season of Pain" sure thing -- what is a Tornado anyways? -- except God playing "Santa Claus" every so often. Ever wonder why the Tornado skips over some houses, and takes a direct hit on others -- Well that's just "Santa" acting out -- "He's knows if you been naughty or nice."
I'd call it the "Santa-Knows-Best Season".
Glenn Beck:
"Rename the Season of Pain" -- well there's an interesting story I need to tell you first, don't you know were all destined for that "Epic Season of Pain" -- whether it is brought to you, by the hand of God or the wrath of Nature.
"SnowMageddon" was just the beginning. "Tornadoes Swarming" are the next sign, in a long line of signs. Oh fear the Locusts -- not the Locusts!
"Swarmamatic" is a good name for the ongoing destruction we will continue to see, until we all repent, of our foolishness.
Rush Limbaugh:
Hmmm? I just consulted with my sponsors -- they're worried that this is just another "water-carrying" effort for the Bushies, somehow? Anywhooo! you know how much I detest those treehugging liberals.
You want a Catchy Name -- how about "Clearing out the Enviro-Brush" ... you know, 'No More Liberal Deadwood' yuk, yuk, hoh, hoh.
Sarah Palin:
At this time of great American Tragedy, the Good Folks of America need to know that this is not anything personally against them.
If anything -- this is "Just God opening a Window for them -- A lot of them!"
Michele Bachmann:
Huh? there was a Tornado? How bad was it?
It must be the fault of those Socialist Libruls, trying to destroy America, I tell ya. Someone in Congress, needs to start an investigation ...
Bill O'Reilly:
Well, it's another one of those "grand mysteries", Who can explain Why, Tornadoes go in, and Why Tornadoes go out?
Like with the Tides, we should call it "Only God really knows WHY season" ... THIS has been a Factor Talking Points Memo(c), on the topic.
Joe Barton: (Huh? How'd he get in here?)
I just want to take a few moments ... to make it abundantly clear ...
These Tornadoes ARE NOT BP's fault ... I would like to apologize to BP (again) on behalf of all Americans. You are simply doing what Corporations were created to do -- make a Profit.
Koch Brothers:
This Season of Creative Destruction, in America's solidly red states, represents an unprecedented Opportunity,
for all good Capitalists, to sweep in, and to Clean up.
It's American Extreme Home Makeover -- on Steroids!
Frank Luntz: (Shhh! It's FOX's smartest consultant, when it comes to "making it simple" ...)
Well our extensive studies and focus group polling, tells me the best "re-labeling" you can use for these horrific tornadic events, in order to make all critical thinking, about them, simply go away ... is ...
Simply Don't call them anything having to do with "Climate"
-- simply call these events "Haphazard Displacement" ... or better yet "Neighborhood Improvement Opportunities". You want to focus on the positive. You want to make it upbeat.
Above all we must not let people dwell on the past -- afterall "Climate Change" is "behind us" ... (or is that "upon us" ... ??? ... I always get those two ideas mixed up.) Check Plea$$$eee!
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This just in: FOX News Alert: FOX News directors have just decided to keep bundling these record-setting Tornado events under the catchy moniker of the "Season of Pain" ... afterall the promotional banners were already drawn up and those "automated news crawlers" -- they were already programmed in, too.
... Besides the FOX Corporate Owners keep reminding us, we all need a "little Pain" now and again.
Pain -- It's what keeps America Strong ... afterall.
Keeping America Strong -- it's what FOX is all about.
[End of poorly timed Snark-o-matic retro/futuro-spective of our oh-so-smart Corporate Media. May you live in pleasant times. Someone post a PSA please.]