When I was younger, I thought it was so sad to see old folks staying home so much of the time, instead of getting out and staying engaged with the world. .
Then guess what? I got old.
Not only am I old, I have severe mobility limitations due to spinal stenosis and poor upper body/hand strength, which makes using a rollator a bit of a challenge. I am also fiercely determined to maintain full independence for as long as possible, and that includes continuing to drive and do my own errands, and today, I needed to go get some items from the drugstore. Sounds like an easy task, doesn't it?
The first clue that it was going to turn into another exercise in endurance came when it took me three tries to load my rollator in the side of my van because the damned door kept sliding shut on me. Since I have all of 3 to 5 minutes to be on my feet before the back spasms hit, it was a toss up as to who would win this round, the van door or me, but finally, I got it loaded.
Then it's hang onto the van and get around to the drivers side door, get it unlocked, and climb in, within the next 3 minute window. Ah, I made it! Sure, I'm, puffin and sweatin' a little, but I'm on my way!
It was a beautiful day, and it always feels so good to be on the road again! Just to feel the wind on my face and get to go over 30 mph for awhile, I took the long way around on a county road that reminds me of the one I used to race around on in my heyday, when my hobby was racing stock cars.
Ok, already I need to use a bathroom, so it's time to get this errand finished. Luckily there was a parking space close to the drugstore door. I get out, get around the van, get the door open, grab the rollator, which of course got it's wheels caught up on the door frame, which put me past my three minute window. Whew..finally it's out..and thank goodness they make them with seats now: I rest, and back spasms are averted once again!
When I stood up to get my bag out of the front seat, off went my rollator. I hadn't realized I'd parked on a slight incline. Believe it or not, two different people walking in just watched it roll on by and made no attempt to stop it, much less bring it back to me! It finally rolled to a stop against the back end of a parked car, way too far away from me to walk to unassisted. Ok, now what?
Wait. Sit down and wait till someone comes along. The lady who came to my aid was older than I am, and a total sweetheart: she stopped, looked at it, then at me and said.."Lose something, did ya?!" then wheeled it back for me, suggesting I might want to put it on a leash! I needed that laugh right about then, because as it turned out, I wasn't done with this adventure at all.
Ok, so, a bit frazzled by now, I hung my bag on the handlebars, and started for the store. Not till I got inside the door way did I realize I had hung my bag upside down, unzipped, and had left a trail of my belongings behind me. Swell. Just freakin' swell.
It sure would have been nice if someone had stopped to help me pick stuff up, but no such luck. I remember thinking, crazily, "Well..at least I'm too damned old to have tampons fall out of my purse!"
Eventually I made it back inside, picked up my items, trying hard not to think of how badly I needed to use a restroom. If my back only allows has a 3 to 5 minute window of opportunity to get things done, the old bladder doesn't allow a whole lot more than leeway than that either. Yes, they have a restroom, and yes of course it's in the very back and opposite corner from where I am. (Oh boy, time to play "Let's Beat The Clock" one more time!) I won again, by a very narrow margin of victory.
By now I am exhausted, and I still have to get back to the front of the store and through the checkout. I tell myself take it slow, sit and rest along the way, and finally, the deed is done without any more trouble. (But please let me get this thing loaded back into the van up without a struggle, please!)
It went much better this time: that incline worked in my favor to keep the sliding door open long enough. The walk around the van to the drivers side door seemed a mile long though. And the walk from the underground garage where I park, to my apartment, felt like a six mile marathon.
Yet, I did it. I can still do it. And I will keep on doing it until I just can't do it anymore.
Because the finish line is still so sweet, and I love to win races.
I do wish I could apologize however, to all of my old clients and patients, for truly not understanding what I was asking them to do. I had no idea how high the mountains are for bodies that are old and battered, or how much courage and strength even simple tasks can require. I didn't know till now, how often the old and disabled are simply invisible to others, or how often people just "walk on by", or how powerless and alone one can feel sometimes. I hadn't yet tasted the bitter brew of humiliation one can feel when others let you know in so many ways, that you are in the way, or are slowing them down.
There is another reason I wanted to use today as a diary topic, and that is to beg everyone who still has a strong and able body to appreciate it for all you're worth. I mean it: the next time you get out of a chair and start to walk in one smooth and easy motion, just enjoy being able to do this with full awareness. If you spine is strong enough to let you stand straight and tall, pause long enough to revel in that feeling!
If I have any regrets, one of them is that I did not enjoy and appreciate having a strong and healthy body when I still had one: I took it for granted, and I abused the hell out of it. But I am making it up to her now, by celebrating the heck out of all of those years of faithful service, and appreciating it fully for all it can still do.
One final thought about this aging business: when they say it isn't for sissies, believe it! However, a healthy sense of humor can work miracles to make it a whole lot more fun, too. Never stop looking for the funny side of it all, because I promise you, there usually is one somewhere!