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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Intercepted!
C&J's chocolate lab, Molly, returned home last night and dropped this in our lap:
INTERNAL & CONFIDENTIAL
May 17, 2011
Gentlemen,
It has been apparent for some time now that the current field of GOP presidential candidates is not up to the task of facing Barack Obama in 2012. Each carries assorted baggage (marital infidelity, serial flip-flopping, cardboard personality, being a former CEO of a tastes-like-cardboard pizza chain, etc.) that ensures our party may not even make it out of the starting gate. This is unacceptable.
In the wake of a closed-door meeting with top GOP consultants, the members of the Secret Society have concluded that drastic times call for drastic measures. To that end we are in agreement:
We must draft Bush.
No, not Neil, the black sheep. Nor Jeb, who has all but admitted that his last name has given his first name a bad name.
I'm speaking, of course, of George Herbert Walker Bush.
There are ample reasons why the senior Bush is perfect: He has actual Oval Office experience. Unlike his son, he concluded a war and brought the troops home. Thanks to his two terms as Vice President from 1981 to 1989, he still has molecules of CO2 exhaled by Ronald Reagan circulating in his body, making him a walking shrine. And unlike the current crop of Republican candidates, he can tell time.
Can Bush, Sr. really go up against Barack Obama? We've thought this over carefully and, yes, we believe he can. In fact, we contend he can go one better than Obama. For example, instead of ordering strikes from the comfort of the Situation Room, George H.W. Bush will parachute into terrorist hideouts himself and capture evildoers with his bare hands. (But he'll bring an aide with a bazooka just in case they're particularly stubborn.)
Some might say that, at 86, he's really old. We say he's really experienced. However, we do admit that we'll want to avoid certain head-to-head competitions with Mr. Obama, such as, believe it or not, bowling.
You might be asking yourself if this is legal. Yes! Mr. Bush only served one term as president, which means he's got one left in his electoral quiver. Finally, the Republican party will have it's own Grover Cleveland.
We urge you to take this proposal seriously. We've set up a special pre-exploratory exploratory committee called "PoppyPAC" (not to be confused with Poppypac). We urge you to give generously as we ramp up our operation to take back America. As soon as we raise a thousand bales of cash, we can re-unleash the thousand points of light. It will be a momentous day when we go to Kennebunkport and tell Mr. Bush: "Read…our…lips. You…are…drafted."
Seriously. It's all we got.
Sincerely,
Randolph Abercrombie Winthorp "Skip" Throckmorton IV
Secretary
The Secret Society
P.S. As for the First Ladies, it will be no contest. Michelle Obama's biceps may be "guns," but Bar is 100 percent "battle axe."
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Note: In space no one can hear you scream. But thanks to advances in telescope technology, everybody within a dozen solar systems can see you naked.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the special congressional election in NY-26: 6
Days `til the Seattle Green Festival: 3
Amount Mitt Romney raised in a "nationwide phone bank" Monday: $10.25 million
Rank of "chemical engineer" among the top paying majors for the class of 2011: #1
Average starting salary of a chemical engineer: $66,886
(Source: National Association of Colleges and Employers)
Percent increase since 2004 in the estimated median household net worth of members of Congress: 22%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of registered Kossacks as of Tuesday: 310,917
(Source: jotter)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 182 (including 5 Ecumenisms and 3 days 'til the Rapture). Soul Protection Factor Maximum lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Perfect puppy practice makes practice puppy perfect.
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MOSTLY JEERS to ipecac for the progressive soul. It took 'em a while to get their bearings, but Maine's new Republican-controlled legislature and tea party governor finally rammed through a big ol' piece of legislation, and fast. LD1333 purports to overhaul our health insurance system for the benefit of the unwashed rabble. The Maine Democratic Party (via email) points at the elephant in the recovery room:
"LD 1333 represents one of the most stunning broken promises in Maine political history. For Maine Republicans, after a generation of unrelenting rhetoric about the evils of raising taxes for any reason, to now impose a $24 million tax on Maine people, after only five months power, is hypocrisy of the highest order," said Ben Grant, Maine Democratic Party Chairman. "The GOP faithful will be reeling when they learn of this vote, and Governor LePage's signature---and Maine people will be left paying the tab."
You can view the major components of the bill here. Responding to criticism of the rush to passage (which always means someone's hiding something unpleasant and/or underhanded), Governor LePage says, "Let's see it take effect and see if the cost goes up." It's telling that he didn't say, "Let's see if sick people get taken care of better, healthy people stay healthy longer, and shitty insurance plans become less shitty." I guess he's saving that for Phase II. Which he'll generously leave on the to-do list for the next Democratic governor.
CHEERS to green shoots!!! Hey, ya cling to 'em wherever you can find 'em:
Oil prices have fallen, with gas soon to follow. Demand for farm commodities, like the corn used in everything from cereal to soda, has dropped. And businesses remain slow to pass along higher costs because customers aren't getting raises and might walk away. […] Lower prices---or at least a break in their steady rise---will come as a big relief. Consumer prices rose 3.2 percent for the year ending in April, the most since October 2008. Higher food and gas prices drove the gains.
Whee. Now, jobs, please?
JEERS to thinkin' with the wrong head. For those of you who want your sexual skullduggery in very tiny doses, here's the briefest recap you'll ever read:
Schwarzenegger: Schtupped the house help in '01, producing a kid. Tears, separation, healing and privacy, please.
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France Guy: IMF head and no-longer-future-French-president raped the hotel help and tried to flee the country? Nabbed! Friendly advice: drop the snooty attitude while you're awaiting trial in the slammer. That never ends well.
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Fmr. Sen. John Ensign: Spotlight squarely on mortified Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK), who apparently brokered hush-money deal between Ensign and jilted husband of office help he (Ensign) was schtupping. Coburn maintains radio silence, hoping investigative depth charges won’t blow him up.
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Newt Gingrich: Schtupped his own party by dissing the Ryan Medicare-B-Gone plan, and then the party schtupped him. Democrats buy them all drinks afterward and thank them for the endless supply of 2012 campaign fodder.
This update brought to you by Acme Machete Emporium. Remember our slogan: "Acme Machete Emporium---what gets lopped off here, stays here."
CHEERS to happy outcomes. 159 years ago today, Massachusetts ruled that all school-age children must attend school, and that turned out okay. Seven years ago yesterday, same-sex couples started getting married there, and that's turned out okay, too. And earlier this year I read that Massachusetts has the lowest divorce rate in the country. I think I've figured it out: the red states don’t hate "liberal" Massachusetts---they're jealous. (How cute!)
JEERS to talking out of your ass. Former U.S. Senator and current GOP presidential contender Rick Santorum says that John McCain doesn’t understand how torture works. McCain responded that he knows all about how torture works. He added that it usually starts with Rick Santorum picking up a microphone.
JEERS to things that go BOOM! in the night…or the day…or anytime. The Pentagon says that, with the Taliban's spring offensive, IED detonations are expected to rise---the obvious implication being that U.S. casualties are expected to rise as well. Fortunately there's something easy the top brass can do to prevent more loss of life and limb: declare victory and come home. No, I'm not a military genius. I just play one on a blog.
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Five years ago in C&J: May 18, 2006
CHEERS to return of the nerds. Today's highlight on DVD is Napoleon Dynamite: Like, the Best Special Edition Ever! It contains a political pep talk that may never be rivaled:
Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
Pedro: Like, what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
Just like Chester Arthur.
CHEERS to the Great Wall of America. The Senate approved building a 370 mile-long fence along the Mexican border yesterday. The fence is described as "triple-layered." The architect is the research & development chief at Huggies.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to must-see (or rent when it comes out on DVD) TV. HBO made an all-star movie about the 2008 Wall Street collapse. It's called Too Big to Fail and what a cast: Paul Giamatti as Ben Bernanke! Dan Hedaya as Barney Frank! William Hurt as Hank Paulson! Ed Asner as Warren Buffett! Billy Crudup as Timmeh Geithner! (That's just the tip of the iceberg.) It's based on the book by Andrew Ross Sorkin. And it's directed by Curtis "L.A. Confidential" Hanson so it's gonna kick ass. The Hollywood Reporter calls it a must-watch "economics lesson from hell." Airs Monday night at 9 on the aforementioned HBO. I'll be on the couch curled up under my blankey made out of credit default swaps. (At least they came in handy for somethin'.)
Have a nice Wednesday. Plan carefully. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Bill in Portland Maine is an embarrassment to our party. Why don’t you get out of Cheers and Jeers before you make a bigger fool of yourself!"
---A Voter
5/16/11
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