Guess I'll find out how good a writer I am tonight. Here goes...
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Going Over The Top
Ladies and gentlemen, I quit.
I just quit. No, no...not the Vent-Hole; I'm not done with you guys just yet. It's something else that I've decided to quit today.
You see, for years I've gone it alone; never really caring whether or not I had a girlfriend or a date, or about whether I could get one, or so on...or at least that what I told myself and many of you. That's all changed, now. In the recent weeks, I've been thinking it over, and in the last two of those weeks, I came to a conclusion: that I'm not destined for the life of the happy bachelor. I can't stand it. For many of you, that might sound weird, but understand where I'm coming from with this.
Really, I've never had the chance to be in a relationship that's lasted more than a 90-day return policy at a department store. It's been years since I was actively looking, and by actively looking I mean”passively hoping, but not really working towards anything.” And now? Now, I'm just tired of this loneliness shit. Tired of going to places alone, or not going to places because I'm going to be alone and rather not be. Tired of missing out on cuddles and kisses and stories and laughs. Tired of just...well, tired of not having another voice in the room.
So I did what so many of us have done. I set up a dating profile account. Yeah, I'm on the ice, now.
You gotta understand how much of a challenge this is for me. I don't do these sorts of things. In one right, it's a liberating process; in another, it's terrifying, because like anything else, it's relative to chance. But more than this; it's important enough for me to do now, that suddenly my apprehension towards online profiles is overruled by a sort of mantra; a sense in me that says, “screw it, let's see how this works. Do it your way, but step out there and stake a claim, for once!” In many ways, that's a huge step.
I suppose the fear I have towards this is the fact that I don't know what will happen. I don't know what my exact chances are by doing this. All I understand are these things: I'm done with being alone, people have told me how good of a person I am, and doing this is better than trying to form a romance out of osmotic hoping. No, that doesn't work. And damn my financial situation. So what? It's not important to me, other than the providence which allows me to keep a modest home. It's a functional need, and I understand that, but my emotional and spiritual needs—those which I've put off in favor of functional needs for over a decade now—need my attention.
I'll be honest. My soul hurts. In realizing how important this has become to me in the last two weeks, I've gone through a cathartic, emotional period—lots of thinking, not enough eating, and much, much crying. I sat up most of the night last night just scanning YouTube for songs that were sad or melancholy; something that acknowledged the equal parts of pain, sadness, determination, loss, and the need to heal from it all. Then I slept for a few hours.
When I woke up, I decided that something needed to be done about it. I floated the idea of posting a profile someplace, and many told me to go for it. So, I did.
What this is going to bring, I don't know. Certainly, there's going to be more rejection, doubt, fear, nervousness; all of these things, I understand and acknowledge. However, if the chance exists that I can start to move away from this emptiness that now serves as the bane of my present existence, and that it would last, and most importantly, be true; perhaps it's worth a few more “no's” and “maybe's.” Perhaps this is what I needed to do all along, but never had either the confidence or motivation.
Perhaps this is where I've finally grown enough in spirit to take a chance like this, and not worry about the negatives or the fears anymore, because they never mattered then, and matter less now.
But I'll be damned if I let this—the lonely and empty presence that which I now sit—become me; become my life. Perhaps this is the point and time where my life changes; from a life of caution and disappointments, to a life where I stake a claim and map a path to where I'm going. Maybe, just maybe, everything I've hoped and wished for is over that hill—that mountain—that for so long I had convinced myself I could not climb; and now left with no other choice, I'm going to advance on, then go over that hill.
Maybe that's melodramatic prose. Maybe you understand where I'm coming from with this, or you don't. That's all fine. But for the sake of my soul, this is what I've set out to do. You can't learn to skate if you won't ever take to the ice. You can't dance with someone if you stay in your chair.
I can't stay in this damned, lonely chair anymore.
So I quit. I gotta go find out what's on the other side of that hill.
Now that I'm done with my sermon...John Waters and Pauley Perrette (who rocks) are the featured guests of Mr. Ferguson's show tonight. Enjoy. No Spoilers from the East Coast, please.