On Monday night, Jon Stewart came back from a week of vacation to discover all this bad news in America, and only John Oliver could cheer him up by pointing out the news was much more depressing over in England because of the growing Rupert Murdoch scandal.
JOHN OLIVER: But the real cherry on the shit sundae was the case of poor Milly Dowler, a missing 13-year-old girl that had Britain riveted.
NICK DAVIES (7/10/2011): During the period of time when she was missing, the News of the World were using a private investigator to listen to her voicemail.
JON STEWART: To help in the search for the....?
OLIVER: Oh maybe. Maybe, Jon. But just to be sure, let's check.
NICK DAVIES: The voice mailbox on Milly's phone filled up. The News of the World were hungry for more information, for more stories, so they intervened and deleted the messages.
STEWART: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
OLIVER: But, let's be fair to them, Jon. No harm, no foul. Right?
JEFFREY KOFMAN: That gave her family and police hope that she was alive. Milly was later found murdered.
STEWART: Oh Jesus. Why didn't the police step in?
OLIVER: Oh the police, Jon? Oh the police? That's a good question. Why didn't Scotland Yard stop them? Maybe it had something to do with this!
NED TEMKO (7/7/2011): Routinely, the News of the World was paying at least some police officers at Scotland Yard.
STEWART: Can't your Prime Minister or anybody....?
OLIVER: Prime Minister, Jon? Prime Minister? Is that what you're talking about?
STEWART: Yes!
OLIVER: David Cameron, the Prime Minister? Leader of new England? Funny story about him, Jon. The former editor of the News of the World, Andy Coulson, the one who presided at the paper at the height of some its most egregious hacking scandals, and later resigned in disgrace, was hired by none other than, wait for it, you're gonna love it....
STEWART: Please! No! NO!!!
OLIVER: David Cameron!
STEWART: Oh fuck!!!
OLIVER: As his fucking press secretary!
STEWART: OH MY GOD, MY BALLS JUST CRAWLED BACK UP INTO MY BODY!!! OH GOD!!!
Video and full transcript below the fold.
JON STEWART: Anyway, this is the week where we celebrated America's 235th birthday: broke, unemployed, endlessly deployed....
JOHN OLIVER: Jon, Jon, Jon, you're hurting. I know that. I appreciate that.
STEWART: Wow, John Oliver, how did you get here?
OLIVER: Jon, I got here the way the British people who bring comfort have traveled for hundreds of years. A magic floating umbrella, Jon. That's how I got here. How do I get here every day?
STEWART: I guess you saw, I was away for a week, I come back, the news is just bleak, and I'm in a bad way.
OLIVER: I saw that. Corruption of your national institutions have got ya down, haven't they, chappy?
STEWART: If only a trusted friend could, through, perhaps, a comparative back-and-forth, put my troubles into perspective.
OLIVER: Have no fear, England's here, to make you feel a li'l bet'er.
STEWART: What happened to your consonants?
OLIVER: We drop 'em when we're 'elpin' 'eople.
STEWART: That's charming.
OLIVER: Yeah.
STEWART: I think you're in over your head, quite frankly. We got real trouble here in this country.
OLIVER: Oh right, Jon. What would England know about a dying empire with rotting institutions? Well, let me present you with Exhibit A, Jon. This is the British tabloid News of the World, 168 years old. At their peak, they sold 8 million copies. And remember, that's in a nation whose population is only 5 million people.
STEWART: Actually, England, I don't think....
OLIVER: That's not the point. That's not the point, Jon. The point is, as of yesterday, its owner Rupert Murdoch, himself 166 years old, shut it down in disgrace.
STEWART: I actually don't think Murdoch is....
OLIVER: Again, that's not the point. The point is, do you know how hard it is to disgrace a British tabloid, Jon? The News of the World are the people who hired a private detective to learn if Freddie Mercury had HIV. It's true. Also, the people whose crusade against pedophiles led to a lynch mob attack, and attacks on the home of a pediatrician.
STEWART: Well, I could see how you could make that mistake. Pedophile, pediatrician. So wonderful, your tabloid reporters are scumbags. Our real press, our legitimate press, is falling down on the job. The political coverage is atrocious. They weren't just covering the Casey Anthony trial, they funded it. Look at this!
ABC NEWS (6/22/2011): The Anthony family is paying for Casey's defense in part, her lawyer says, with money from licensing home videos and family photos to ABC News and other media outlets.
TODAY SHOW (7/7/2011): What we believe is a $200,000 payment that was made to her and her attorney by ABC News when this first broke.
STEWART: ABC News! $200,000! And that was apparently only after she turned down ABC's offer to be their next Bachelorette.
STEWART: So that's where we're at. What did News of the World do?
OLIVER: Well, compared to that, I guess not much, Jon. Just this.
JEFFREY KOFMAN, ABC NEWS (7/10/2011): The paper hacked voicemails of the families of Britain's soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.
STEWART: Wow. Why would they even....
OLIVER: I don't know Jon, perhaps the same reason they did this.
ALI VELSHI (7/11/2011): Staffers with the now-defunct newspaper actually tried to hack into the phones of 9/11 victims.
(audience boos)
STEWART: Suddenly we're on a game show.
OLIVER: Pretty fucking depressing.
STEWART: It's very depressing. Why would they need the details of victims of 9/11?
OLIVER: Well, maybe it might sell one or two extra papers, Jon. But the real cherry on the shit sundae was the case of poor Milly Dowler, a missing 13-year-old girl that had Britain riveted.
NICK DAVIES (7/10/2011): During the period of time when she was missing, the News of the World were using a private investigator to listen to her voicemail.
STEWART: To help in the search for the....?
OLIVER: Oh maybe. Maybe, Jon. But just to be sure, let's check.
NICK DAVIES: The voice mailbox on Milly's phone filled up. The News of the World were hungry for more information, for more stories, so they intervened and deleted the messages.
STEWART: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
OLIVER: But, let's be fair to them, Jon. No harm, no foul. Right?
NICK DAVIES: They intervened and deleted the messages.
JEFFREY KOFMAN: That gave her family and police hope that she was alive. Milly was later found murdered.
STEWART: Oh Jesus. Why didn't the police step in?
OLIVER: Oh the police, Jon? Oh the police? That's a good question. Why didn't Scotland Yard stop them? Maybe it had something to do with this!
NED TEMKO (7/7/2011): Routinely, the News of the World was paying at least some police officers at Scotland Yard.
STEWART: OH FUCK! FUCK!! OH JESUS!!
OLIVER: Jon, d'ya want a Snack Taffy Doodle?
STEWART: No!
OLIVER: They're very bland.
STEWART: Can't your Prime Minister or anybody....?
OLIVER: Prime Minister, Jon? Prime Minister? Is that what you're talking about?
STEWART: Yes!
OLIVER: David Cameron, the Prime Minister? Leader of new England? Funny story about him, Jon. The former editor of the News of the World, Andy Coulson, the one who presided at the paper at the height of some its most egregious hacking scandals, and later resigned in disgrace, was hired by none other than, wait for it, you're gonna love it....
STEWART: Please! No! NO!!!
OLIVER: Yes! Yes!
STEWART: NOOO!!!!!! DON'T!!!!
OLIVER: David Cameron!
STEWART: Oh fuck!!!
OLIVER: As his fucking press secretary!
STEWART: OH MY GOD, MY BALLS JUST CRAWLED BACK UP INTO MY BODY!!! OH GOD!!!
OLIVER: Yes! That's how we've been for the past 50 years!
STEWART: WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT??? OH YOU PEOPLE ARE GARBAGE!!!
OLIVER: Yes! Yes we are!
STEWART: YOU ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE!!
OLIVER: Yes! And Jon, the truth is, it only ended now for the bravery of one person.
STEWART: Who is this most brave and valiant Brit? Who?
OLIVER: Well, this individual, Jon, went undercover wearing a wire.
STEWART: Incredible! What courage! Who is the most virtuous person in all of England?
OLIVER: I'm about to give you a shouting-freuda-gasm. Jon, may I present to you, the hero of this story.
CHARLES HODSON (7/11/2011): Hugh Grant was a celebrity victim of phone hacking. ... And he even wears a wire to secretly tape a conversation with a former News of the World journalist, who admitted to hacking people's phones.
OLIVER: That's right. The guy who got car head from an L.A. road prostitute is now the moral compass of my nation.
(wild audience applause)
OLIVER: So, let me ask you this. Let me just ask you this, Jon. Do you feel any better about America yet?
STEWART: You know what's weird?
OLIVER: What's that?
STEWART: I actually do.
OLIVER: That's great!
STEWART: I feel kinda good now.
OLIVER: That means that my work here is done. Chim-chim-cheroo!
STEWART: You're not flying, you're just walking on my desk.