We Americans suffer from relying on single language separated by a large pond. It is impossible for us to understand Brooks' resignation without assistance.
Since when is a BOOT something attached to a car? We call it GAS, you call it PETROL. You use RUBBERS for erasing pencil marks, we use them with british women. LIFTS are what ELEVATORS do, not what they are called. CHIPS are thin, hard, salted, sold off the shelf. FRIES are what you get at Mac's.
Luckily, my Mac is equipped with an automatic English-American translator. So, I applied it to Rebekah Brooks' resignation statement. The translations are in italics.
(PS) ADULTS ONLY!
As chief executive of the company, I feel a deep sense of responsibility for the people we have hurt and I want to reiterate how sorry I am for what we now know to have taken place.
As top dog of the most powerful newsmakers and breakers in the world, I feel bloody angry as hell that you found out how we kept them bloody socialists and liberals under control. I was sure our threats kept our secrets secret.
I have believed that the right and responsible action has been to lead us through the heat of the crisis. However my desire to remain on the bridge has made me a focal point of the debate.
I built this bloody company, and I intend to keep this bloody company. Rupie's kids are a bunch of braindead losers. Without me, they are lost. I AM THE FEMALE RUPERT MORLOCK. But now that the knives are out, at least my parachute is not golden, but diamond encrusted platinum.
This is now detracting attention from all our honest endeavours to fix the problems of the past.
The public is such a bunch of stupid twits, all we needed was to force a good war someplace, and our problem was solved. But NOOOO! Those damned Yankees have so many of them already, no one would notice if I started a new one.
Therefore I have given Rupert and James Murdoch my resignation. While it has been a subject of discussion, this time my resignation has been accepted.
All my love, Rupie, I loved those board room meets, wink wink. As for that shitehead James, grow the effing up, you peabrained, conceited, droppings from a diarrhetic mule.
Rupert's wisdom, kindness and incisive advice has guided me throughout my career and James is an inspirational leader who has shown me great loyalty and friendship.
Rupert's what you call, ahem, endowed with great talent. (wink) James is a backstabbing, two-faced, little prick who (ahem) has nothing in common with Rupie.
News International is full of talented, professional and honourable people. I am proud to have been part of the team and lucky to know so many brilliant journalists and media executives.
I invested hundreds of thousands in the best criminal element money could buy. We had ears, we had video, we had whores get in bed with people we targeted. All of them were sworn to secrecy. I mean, they were the best at what they did. I cannot believe we got bloody caught.
I leave with the happiest of memories and an abundance of friends.
Fuck each and every one of you for fucking up the best thing I ever had going. The dogs don't deserve eating your entrails after I've pulled them out, inch by inch.
As you can imagine recent times have been tough. I now need to concentrate on correcting the distortions and rebutting the allegations about my record as a journalist, an editor and executive.
I am hiring the best fucking solicitors and barristers you ever saw. My army of lawyers will fuck you all, I guarantee it! Bastards, all.
My resignation makes it possible for me to have the freedom and the time to give my full cooperation to all the current and future inquiries, the police investigations and the CMS appearance.
Not only am I lawyering up, I am going into hiding so deep, so impenetrable, that you bloody assholes will never find me. Me spend a day in jail? Right, when the queen grows a cock.
I am so grateful for all the messages of support. I have nothing but overwhelming respect for you and our millions of readers.
Sorry I haven't called of late, mum, but I've been busy. Thanks for the wonderful flowers. As for the rest of you shiteheads, I not only printed out each bloody email, I personally ignited them with lighterfluid and pissed on the ashes. You bloody ungrateful bastards. You loved reading our crap as much as I enjoyed digging it up.
I wish every one of you all the best.
Fuck off. All of you.