OK, you’re mad, we hear you. You have every reason to be. Your blood pressure is through the roof. Your family and friends would tell you to calm down, but you’d rip their heads off. It’s time to let off a little steam. We need you, dear Kossack friends, to maintain your health and strength for the challenges ahead. You family needs you healthy. So do your friends, heck, even your pets need you healthy.
So we’ve got a special Hydrant feature today: a Mad-Lib. For those of you who’ve missed out on this simple yet hilarious form of low-tech entertainment, it’s best done with two people. One person looks at this script and asks the other to fill in the blanks with a type of word or term (an adjective, a noun, a saying), then reads aloud the resultant text. If this fails to make you crack a smile or laugh, you may want to seek immediate medical attention.
So… your Mad-Lib awaits below the (a term for an abstract bit of doodling)
When the votes were counted, I was stunned. “(Expletive)!!”, I screamed at the television. “ (Expletive repeated three times)!!” I punched the couch cushions, kicked the (piece of furniture), and kept bellowing at the top of my lungs until I was (a color) in the face and hyperventilating with rage.
“Who in (name of a place) do they think they are? Do they think we were born (a day of the week)?” By now, I was so angry that my pet (a type of animal) dashed under the couch, cowering in fear. I picked up a (household object) and smashed it against the sliding glass door, thinking that would let off some stress. Instead, all I got was a pile of shards and cuts all over my (part of the body).
My neighbor, a (derogatory term) Teabagger, was out in his back yard, barbequing a (another type of animal) and drinking beer with his (another derogatory term) friends and saw me run, screaming and bleeding out into the back yard.
“What’s the problem, (your name)? A little upset this afternoon, are we?” He smiled that vapid, moronic smirk as he wiped his greasy hands on his American flag (article of clothing).
By now, I was well past out of control. I tore open the door of my garden shed, pulling out a 5-gallon can of (a flammable liquid) which I proceeded to pour over his barbeque grill as he stood there (adverb). At first he and his (derogatory adjective) friends just stared, transfixed, the ball of fire reflecting in their (adjective) eyes.
“Hey!”, he screamed, finally. "What do you think you’re doing?!”
Watching the flames spreading across his parched lawn to his house and garage, I felt strangely calm. “What I’m doing”, I said, slowly and deliberately, “is taking my country back. Starting with your place. You want to see this country, my country, go to (a place) in a (a piece of luggage), fine. Let’s start right here. Right now.”
As his (derogatory term) friends stood, gaping, I watched as the fire reached his garage, igniting the (a number) cans of (a flammable liquid) he had stored there for End Times.
Then I went back inside, stepping over the broken glass, and cracked open a can of (your favorite beer).