I have one memory of my birth parents from when I was around 3 years old. I was in the foster home that 4 years later would adopt both my brother and I. My foster parents sat my brother and I down at the bar across from a man and woman who proceeded to explain that they were our real parents. I had been in foster care since I was 13 months old and I had lived in a couple of homes and to be honest, I didn't really even understand the concept of parents, so, I had no comprehension of the significance of what my birth parents were trying to explain to my brother and I. Honestly, I am not really sure why I even have the memory.
Now, here I am, near the 30 year anniversary of being adopted and I am finally going to find these people who's faces I can't even remember. People who hurt my brother and I a lot. So much that, and I know this is going to sound terrible, but I kind of hope that I find out they already passed away. They were older when I was born and 37 years later they would be in their 70s or even their 80s. But what they did to my brother and I that resulted in our being taken away from them by the state was bad enough that I really don't want them in my life. I really just want to know who they were and find out who my siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles are. Find out if they are normal and good people. I know that I at least have a sister who testified against my birth parents to have us taken away permanently. I would like to meet her.
Another reason I want to find my birth family is that it didn't really work out for my brother and I with our adopted family. A few years ago we turned in our adopted parents for child abuse and that was the end of being accepted by our adopted family. They disowned us. So, we are back to being on our own again. Now that my wife and I are about to finally have our own children, I don't know what to tell them when they ask about family on my brother and my side. They don't really have any now. So, I kind of want to see if maybe he and I have some chance of finding some connection with our birth family.
I have had the form sent by the court liaison since Nov 7th last year. I opened it today and found the phone number and called to let them know that I'll be mailing the form and payment tomorrow. I am both excited and scared. My experience with families hasn't been great and I expect to find out that there is nothing of my birth family that I want to have in my life. But I also know that there is at least a little chance that there are siblings who have wondered for 37 years what happened to their little brothers. Maybe they are normal and good people and maybe I won't die without an extended family that I belong to.
I have my wife and my brother and my foster sister who still talks to me, and I love them all dearly and I am filled with their love for me, but I would also like to belong to a family that has a history that I am a part of. Something that makes me feel like I am not just floating out here alone in a sea of billions of people. But if I don't, then my wife and I will start a new history with our own children. We will tell them that they may not have an extended family, but they have 2 parents, an uncle and an aunt who love them completely and forever.
I hope that I find something good from looking for my birth parents/family. At least to find where I come from. Even if it isn't from a good place.
Tue Sep 27, 2011 at 4:58 PM PT: thank you everyone for all of your encouragement and advice. believe me, i need both.
i'll write about how it goes.