As the sun rises over the Carolinian shoreline, we find our misbegotten Mesozoic misfits all still lumbering on, save for the “can you guess which one is not like the others” Cerebrasaurus huntsmanii. This highly evolved, well traveled, and articulate creature (proven once and for all to have been a mammal), recognizing the inevitable, has broken from the continent and drifted away on an island of sanity before this most recent debate. Its final pleas for Cretaceous civility and an end to the politics of personal destruction fell on deaf ears and very small brains, as the other contenders carried on, oblivious.
Brontosaurus romneii was clearly agitated at the fact that its preordained evolutionary inevitability has not been embraced by its fellow GOPasaurs, and that is must continue to submit to this endless series of debates. C. huntsmanii at least had the good sense to endorse B. romneii, although the incremental addition of votes may have only excremental significance. B. romneii has been campaigning since the Permian, and by now, had expected to be well into its dynastic reign of not only the Greatest Country on Earth, but Earth in its entirety. Instead, it dons incongruous plaid shirts and jeans in an a futile attempt to convince voters of its humanity, while endless attack ads chronicle the Path of Destruction left by B. romneii and the despised Bainasaurs.
Stegosaurus newtii mesmerized the witless debate audience and viewers at home with its disturbingly bright and almost iridescent hair, perhaps an attempt to emulate its Stepfordian mate, the uber-botoxed Callistasaurus tiffanii, whose perfect coif and unwavering facial expression suggests a cyborg rather than human provenance. More at ease than in previous debates, S. newtii drew upon its vast knowledge of the fossil record to attack B. romneii, now that the promise of a “positive campaign” has been trampled in the Carolinian swamplands. With a recent infusion of cash from a wealthy Casinasaur, S. newtii has ratcheted up its attacks with attacks on the evils of the Bainasaurs and their cold-blooded leader. Carolinian voters, however, are unlikely to flock to a pompous academic versed in history, given their penchant for rewriting it to suit their revisionist ideology.
Struthiomimus santorum has very nearly reclaimed its former status as a velociraptor with its fresh attacks on opponents and its more confident vocalizations. Fresh from a Permian Basin meeting of Evangelicasaurs who have made him their candidate-du-jour-until-someone-better-comes-along, S. santorum is ready to answer the call and take on B. romneii, saving the GOPasaurs from their unending idiocy and offering true Conservasaurs someone just like them. Well, just like them if they’re paranoid, Catholic, sweater-vested homophobes who want to eliminate any vestige of enjoyment from interpersonal activities occurring in behind closed doors.
Libertariasaurus paulii was not at the top of his game last night, rambling on about a 1% income tax (as had been the case in the Triassic) when what he clearly intended was that the 1% pay no income tax, and suggesting that we avoid conflicts with enemies from other lands. That won him no sympathy from the audience or other contenders, who believe that the best offense is threatening to annihilate your enemies in order to maintain your global dominance, then staging massive intercontinental invasions to show that you really mean it, and no, you weren’t just saying that. While paleo-pundits believe that L. paulii has no chance of reaching the White Cave, they concede that it may wield surprising influence for a decrepit septuagenariasaur.
Gaffasaurus perrii had moments of passion and coherence, but never both at the same time. With expectations lower than a trilobite’s belly, his performance was better than many expected. As the evening wore on, G. perrii’s thought process degenerated into increasingly disjointed vocalizations. For example, decreases in illegal immigration into Texas from Mexico were the fault of Obamasaurus Rex, who tanked the economy and killed off the jobs that had lured Mexicans to our once-great land but when he is in charge blah, blah, blah. With less chance of attaining the presidency than Colbertasaurus stevii, G. perrii remains in the competition in deference to two species: deep-pocket donors and late-night comedians.