We all know what I’m talking about – the nosy neighbor who feels compelled to report every single thing she (it’s usually a woman) finds offensive to the condo association, the home owner’s association, the code enforcement officers, or even the police. She is constantly knocking on your door to tell you it’s time to mow your lawn or that she doesn’t think the purple pansies you planted fit the “scheme of the neighborhood” or that you have a box on your doorstep. She peers in your windows to see if she can complain about something inside your home, and if you have visitors, she’s watching them and you.
But she’s not the only bad neighbor. What about the neighbor whose fence is falling down and won’t repair it? Or the family that thinks playing their music at 11 or louder all hours of the day and night is their God-given right? Or the garage band that doesn’t use mufflers on their instruments and can’t carry a beat if someone put a handle on it for them? Or the neighbors who stand in the middle of the street blocking traffic and won’t move because “they aren’t doing anything illegal” and it’s their “right to stand in the street if they want to”? How about the neighbor who lets their rambunctious dog roam the neighborhood and poop where it would – preventing you from letting your children play in your own yard? Or the neighbor whose cat digs up your garden and poops in your child’s sandbox? What about the neighbor who trespasses on your yard to "adjust" your gardens, or kills your plants, damaging your landscaping?
These are just a few of the bad neighbors we encounter. Living in a condo, apartment, tenement, or a large subdivided house is worse than living in a single family home simply because your neighbors are that much closer to you. But just because you live a driveway's width or more away from your neighbor doesn't mean they can't and won't intrude on you and yours.
Being a good neighbor doesn't mean you have to endure the worst. You didn't buy your house to put up with late night parties, barking dogs, out-of-control children, vandalism, verbal abuse, and so on. There are things you can do to help your neighbors become better people (or encourage them to move elsewhere - which is really a good option if they are just renters), and ways to restore the peace of the neighborhood.
I happen to like an active, dynamic neighborhood with neighbors who are visible, even if that means an occasional high spirited toilet papering of my tree after a homecoming game or pumpkin smashing in the street after Halloween. I'm not at all upset by neighbors who paint their houses in garish colors or designs or plant vegetables in their front yard or even that let their grass grow a bit high.
But I have had a few bad neighbors.
What do you do when your neighbor dumps their trash in your yard, peers in your windows, plays their music too loud, vandalizes your car or house with shoe polish or eggs? What do you do when it’s the president of the HOA or condo association who’s harassing you and making threats or spreading lies about you?
How do you survive a bad neighbor?
There are steps you can take that don’t involve violence or vandalism.
Ask:
Is your neighbor renting, or do they have a mortgage?
If renting, who is their landlord - a company or a person?
Is the property adjacent to yours or a lot or two away?
Have they caused monetary damage?
Once you've answered these questions, you need to determine what category your neighbor falls into - this helps in planning your strategy. Mind you, these are not the only categories, because bad comes in many flavors, non palatable.
Oblivious - this neighbor genuinely doesn't realize they are being a nuisance
Parents of unruly children - this neighbor isn't supervising their children and aren't aware their children are causing problems.
Busybody - thinks she (it's usually a she) is "helping you" or "helping the neighborhood" or "maintaining standards because [sniff] someone's got to".
Rude, brutish, uncaring - usually renters, but not always
Patronizing Snobs - usually holds a mortgage or owns the home, but not always
Criminals - also usually renters, but not always
Some of these bad neighbors can be turned into Good Neighbors, and I would suggest that approach if at all possible, but when it fails, read on.
Each category requires a different approach.
Let’s start with general tips first, then move on to dealing with each category.
1. Know your neighbors. Don’t wait for a neighborhood welcome wagon to visit you. Lots of neighborhoods don’t have welcome wagons. Do it yourself. Go door to door and introduce yourself. Leave a nice card if no one’s home. Host an Open House or a Barbecue or a Block Party. This helps establish a congenial rapport so if a problem does arise, you’ll be better able to resolve it peacefully.
2. Bring problems up as soon as they happen (new puppy that barks all day or all night, a neighbor who keeps parking in your space, new drums for a neighbor’s kid…). Offer to help with things that are problems – pruning a tree whose limbs may threaten your property, halves in repairing or replacing a fence. And if a neighbor plans an add-on that will block part of your property or limit your access or invade your privacy, bring it up before the add-on is built. If they didn't consult you when they drew up the plans and applied for building permits (and most cities will send you a notification of the building permit of your property adjoins their, but not all do), and your first hint is when the construction crew breaks ground, bring it up immediately before the foundation is poured - much easier to stop them to relocate then than after the building is up.
3. Ask around to see if other neighbors are bothered. If it’s just you, maybe you’re too sensitive. If several of you are bothered, approaching the neighbor as a group may be more effective – and safer.
4. Be proactive. If you are having a party, let your neighbors know that parking may be tight and the noise level may rise but you’ll do your best to keep it down. Invite them if there’s room for it. Nothing defuses anger at a loud party better than being invited to attend said party! Deal with conflict on your own first before taking it to the next level. Unless you are truly afraid for your life, calling the police is a last resort in a neighbor conflict. If you are part of a HOA or condo association, ask if you can have community building speakers come in and talk about being good neighbors. Even if you’re not, maybe inviting such a speaker to a block party might be a good idea, or inviting the police to come and talk about neighborhood safety.
5. Be nice. If you do something that might annoy or offend a neighbor, apologize before they complain. Or if they complain before you get a chance to apologize, be quick to offer that apology. Bring your neighbor cookies or a bottle of wine or nice card if you have a conflict – after it’s resolved, usually but maybe even during it if it’s a long drawn out process.
6. If necessary, write a polite, detailed letter spelling out what you think the problem is and what you feel would be a fair solution. Do not get personal or threatening. Keep the tone dull and humorless because humor can be misinterpreted and used against you. Send it to the neighbor certified mail. Send a copy to yourself certified and don't open it unless there's a dispute, and then only open it in front of a lawyer or judge.
These tips will work excellently well with the oblivious neighbor and often with the neighbor who has rampaging children, and may help control the “helpful” neighbor. The best way to have good neighbors is to
be a good neighbor. If you know your neighbors, you might learn that the sidewalk that didn’t get shoveled after a storm belongs to an elderly person with a broken leg or the overgrown lawn belongs to a single person who’s been very ill, or the family with the barking dog are as exasperated as you are only they don’t know what to do. A little niceness resolves these issues beautifully.
Neighbors who “police” your neighborhood, who threaten you with “turning you in” for violating rules that exist only in their heads, who harass you to force you to please them, who pounce on everything they think might possibly be an infraction require a sterner approach. These people are usually prevalent in HOAs, condo associations, high rise apartments, and possibly in apartment complexes. Most often, they are female, but not always.
In these cases:
1. Learn the HOA/condo rules and keep a copy handy so if this person tries to tell you that you are violating some code or other, you’ll know if you really are. Whether you rent or are buying, this is vital for your own peace of mind.
2. If you are renting, let your landlord know as soon as you identify this person so as to forestall any trouble with your landlord.
3. If you are an owner, attend the HOA/condo meetings so you can know about rule changes immediately and can be prepared if this person launches a new attack. If you can't attend yourself, have a friend or neighbor record the meeting for you. Voice or video will work. No one should object unless they are doing something illegal during the meeting. After all, you're a member of the HOA, too, and you have a right to know what happens in them.
4. Document the actions and write a formal letter to this person. Be explicit and detailed, factual, and cite codes or regulations. Do not threaten or talk about lawsuits or police involvement. Be polite. Spell out what you think would be a fair solution.
5. If that fails, file a formal complaint with the HOA or condo association.
6. If the busy body neighbor spreads rumors or lies about you, don’t shrug it off, let her know you will not hesitate to sue her for defamation of character. If she persists, follow through.
7. If this person peers in your windows, alert the police as this is a criminal offense. S/He's trespassing at the least. Don’t have her arrested the first time, but do let her know you’ve spoken to the police about your legal rights and you will call them next time she oversteps her boundaries.
This is usually enough to keep her off your back, but she will mutter and complain about it to anyone who listens. You just have to have a tough skin and ignore all that muttering. Only act when she is violating your privacy, spreading lies about you, or otherwise behaving in an
actionable way. She has the right to mutter and complain as long as she isn’t causing you harm. If you ignore her whining and complaining with good humor, she may eventually leave you alone, especially if she finds a new target. Share these tips with that new target; you’ll make a friend.
Unruly children require a vastly different approach from when I was a child. Back then, if we misbehaved, they could yell at us and then talk to our parents and we'd be in Big Trouble. Now, if a child vandalizes your car, breaks your windows with their balls, eggs your door, plays their music too loud, threatens you, or kills your pets, and you dare to yell at them you are the one who will get in legal trouble.
If your neighbor doesn’t realize their child(ren) are being nuisances, approach your neighbor, not the child(ren). Document the nuisance behavior with recordings and photos - preferably ones taken from a video surveillance camera and not ones you pointed personally (you could be charged with pedophilia if you personally take the photos, but a surveillance system isn't specifically targeting the children). Point here: never, ever talk to the children who are being a nuisance other than to locate their parents. Speak to the children politely and calmly, and ask something like, "Are you new to the neighborhood? May I bring cookies to your parents to welcome them in to the neighborhood? Where do they live?" Then, bring cookies to the parents and address your concerns to the parents, not the children. Talking to or yelling at the children can get you in trouble, even if the children are the ones causing the problems. Always, always, always, address any problems you have with ill-behaved, nuisance children with their parents/guardians.
If you have children, you can pursue things through your children. Perhaps host an outdoor party where the unruly children are invited - and their parents. Once you get to know the children, often, they will be much better behaved.
Only after you've talked to the parents (calmly, over cookies, maybe) and they don't take any control over the children, do you escalate. If you are part of an HOA or condo association, bring it up there at the next meeting. Ask for help in resolving the matter.
Without an HOA or condo association (or apartment manager), you might get together with your other neighbors (whom you've already befriended), who may be just as irritated as you and approach the parents either with a small representative group or en masse to explain that the children are out of hand and what needs to be done.
If you get no help there, and the child(ren) have caused monetary damage to your property and your surveillance cameras caught that, notify the police. If it's gotten to this point, press charges.
Neighbors who are rude, threatening, or just plain don’t care require a different approach.
1. First of all, if you feel threatened (usually if you are elderly or female), don’t ever confront these people alone. Bring another neighbor or friends with you. This is when Step Three in the General Tips above is useful.
2. If there’s a HOA or condo association, speak to the board members about how to resolve this problem. They may suggest mediation – take it.
3. If it’s an older neighborhood and/or there’s no HOA or condo association, if you’re renting, speak to your landlord. Your landlord may already know about the problem and know ways to handle it. If you’re an owner, talk to neighbors. They may have dealt with this person before and can offer suggestions.
4. Suggest mediation. Most cities have a mediation center and all states have at least one. Sometimes, they can suggest things before it reaches mediation, and if that doesn’t work, mediation may help. This is particularly useful if the neighbor is rude or just doesn’t care.
5. If the neighbor is threatening, in previous years, I would have suggested you don’t hesitate to ask for police advice or back up. Today, I'd check into security services instead as the police seem to have forgotten they are our employees and are here to help us, not just to ticket us or have gun fights.
6. If the issue is verbal harassment and verbal rudeness, take the kindness approach: visit them with cookies and speak to them calmly. “I noticed you seemed unhappy last time we met so I thought I’d come over and see what I could do. Is something wrong?” Be calm, concerned, and curious. Each time they verbally abuse or harass you, visit them and inquire about what’s wrong calmly, curiously, and with genuine concern in your voice and attitude. Never retaliate or argue with them. Pursue the issue in great and excruciating and polite detail. One of 2 things will happen: they will eventually reveal why they are being abusive so you can work it out or they’ll avoid you in order to avoid another calm, concerned, and curious visit.
In all cases, if the nicer, personal requests to resolve the problem don’t bring results, document the issue and take it to the next step. The next step is usually the local Code Enforcement officer. You need to know what the zoning and city codes are before you take this step.
If the person is a snob who thinks they are too good to obey common courtesy, who thinks you are their servant and they own your property, the best approach I've found is to ask them for outrageous sums of money for everything they ask you to do. I had a neighbor who had just moved in once ask me to wash his car. I said I'd be happy to, but since I was so very good at it, my current price was $500 for a basic 5 minute wash. If he wanted more, like me actually using water, that would be $100 more. My neighbors all knew about it, and when he asked a different neighbor the same thing, he was told, "Well, Noddy does the best car wash in the neighborhood, but I'll cut you a deal, you pay me $400 and I'll throw in the water for free!" He never asked us to do anything for him again. When he parked in front of my neighbor's house, just barely blocking her drive for the 5th time (she'd asked him to move it and left a note on the car about moving it which he ignored), she called the towing company and had his car towed. He never parked in front of her house again. It took us 3 or 4 years, and cost him a lot of money, but he's a decent enough neighbor now.
There are probably other, better ways of handling the snob neighbor, but this one worked for us.
If the person is conducting illegal activities in your neighborhood, contact the police immediately, but try to do so as anonymously as possible so the police don't find some reason (and they will) to also charge you with some violation.
I realize that in some of the not-so-nice neighborhoods, police presence and responses are less than optimal. If you live in one of those places, document the illegal activity. It is possible to file a nuisance suit with the city or county for something that is substantial, continuous, and violates a law. Visit sites like NOLO or Neighbor Law for tips and suggestions on documenting nuisances and how and when to involve the police and authorities. In fact, Neighbor Law is a great site to visit.
For people who let their dogs roam and poop on your lawn, or who walk their dog and don’t scoop, animal control is the next step up if speaking to your neighbor doesn’t work. They are also the place to go for barking dogs. I put a pooper scooper station in my front yard because this got to be a serious problem. Mine is a simple metal post with hooks to hold a roll of poop bags and, when I'm feeling generous, a trash bag for disposing of the filled poop bags. It has a sign on it that says, "Scoop the Poop Enforcement Pole" followed by the city laws regarding pet poops and walking pets. It seriously cut back the poop that once accumulated in my yard from people who walked their dogs. The little pooper bags are cheap enough at the dollar stores, and it's worth it to preserve some peace and cleanliness in the neighborhood.
Edited to add: Arizonaslim mentioned this site about barking dogs in the comments and I felt it deserved wider recognition.
For lawns that are badly overgrown and the resident or landlord just doesn’t respond when you contact them, the local Code Enforcement officer or city hall is the place to start. The same holds true for junk cars, trash piled up, and other eyesores. I mow my next door neighbor's front yard when it gets really bad because I happen to know she's now 103 and I don't expect her to mow. If her lawn service is late, I mow and then present the lawn service with a bill, accompanied by before and after photos. They don't appear late too often anymore.
Remember, litigation is a last step. It’s lengthy, expensive (a minimum of $10,000 in court costs and fees unless you go to small claims court, and even there, it can be $3,000 or more), and will usually destroy any chance of being good neighbors afterwards. It’s usually not worth suing over.
If you must litigate:
1) Take your time gathering the facts.
2) Document any and all activity you see or hear.
3) Document notes with a date and time. Surveillance footage from security cameras is always acceptable, but other forms of video/photo/audio recordings may require you to check local laws first.
4) Whatever documentation you compile, keep a set for yourself and give copies to authorities/the neighbor.
5) Stay within the letter of the law, don't be reckless.
6) Keep your words in check - yelling and cussing are a big no-no.
7) Have patience. You will need a lot of patience.
8) Our legal system has to go through its own steps. Give it time to work for you.
9) If you don't try, nothing will ever change. Change can be good. You might even get a new, good neighbor out of the process, although if you have to litigate, chances are one of you will be moving.
10) Don't give up too soon. If you can't find the answers in one department or office of officials, there are many more to go.
And if you just want sympathy or to complain, feel free to do so in the comments here, or visit
Neighbor From Hell.