Do I move to the state where I was supposed to unite with my recently deceased beloved, or would that only prolong and magnify my grief?
The very day I was originally supposed to move to the state in which my recently deceased beloved resided, he died. I had to postpone the move for an additional 6 weeks due to monetary problems. The last conversation I had with him was letting him know I had gotten the 2nd job to fund the move, and that in less than two months we would be together. He died the next day.
I had visited him a handful of times, at the same time taking interviews having sent out resumes. I am a chef by trade, and the small town in the deep south where I live is dying. The last standing country club within 70 miles is on it's last leg-- I got laid off from there along with many others due to budget cuts a year ago now. There are no jobs for chefs here, not that there were many to start with. I've been working in a warehouse at a barely above minimum wage.
Now I have fantastic offers coming in from the resumes I sent out to the major metro area from whence my beloved came. I already turned a couple of job offers down thinking I couldn't possibly stand the reminder him in the place we spent all our time together, not to mention the fear of how I would navigate in a major metropolitan city with no one to help me figure it out.
On the one hand, I know moving will allow me to pursue a career in the profession I love, will afford my son better medical care and schooling, and may even be the change I need to help me heal. On the other hand, I fear it may magnify the hurt and that I could fail miserably and, unlike here, I could end up homeless and much, much worse off than if I'd just stayed put. To fail there could mean a fate worse than death for both of us; that we could end up homeless, my son sucked into one of those horrid gangs and/or a drug addict... I think you get the picture. But, am I doing us, and my beloved, a disservice by not even taking a chance?
Part of me says I should explain my situation as professionally as possible to the chef that contacted me today and ask if he could give me some time to think it over, heal a little, weigh my options, try to suss out what is best for us. But, in truth, the larger part of me says I should stay put, where I've always been, where it's safest for both of us. Is this just fear and pain dominating my life, or common sense?
I have found all your input on how to trudge through my seemingly endless days without him immensely helpful- more than I imagined. I hope to find it as much so in this situation.
As ever, many thanks to everyone who reads my words and honours me with response to them.