Cast:
Mitt Gromney, Presidential hopeful and alien from the planet Griede 581 g
Michelle Barkingmad, Congresswoman and alien from Griede 581 g
General Bubbanomics, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of PEWPEWPEW!
Bluto Bloafish, an unpleasant talk-radio host
Glen or Glenda, General Bubbanomics's aide-de-camp
Ceiling Cat, a Deity who can see through sheetrock
Grubya, Ghreney,and Grumsfeld, 3 stooges from Griede 581 g
Players to be named later
Scene 1. Far above the Earth, aliens from planet Griede 581 g hover in their flying saucer.
Grubya, Ghreney and
Grumsfeld:(sing)
We're Plan Bain from Outer Space!
And our saucer ship's a beauty!
We have come to loot this place
And to outsource all your booty!
Grubya : How's PLAN BAIN coming along? Has Gromney softened 'em up for our hostile takeover yet?
Ghreney: Not even close! He's going to lose the election! He's so unpopular, he has to bus in audiences from Utah! It's looking bad...
Grumsfeld: I've got it! There's millions of dead people down there! We'll resurrect stiffs and make 'em Gromney Grepublicans!
Ghreney: It's so crazy, it just might work!
Scene 2. A radio broadcasting studio. The Bluto Bloafish Show is on the air.
Bluto Bloafish: (sings)
Ha ha ha I'm Bluto Bloafish!
Yes, I am he, that bloated oafish
Misbegotten bag of gases!
My obnoxiousness surpasses
That of all known swinish louts!
The filth my gaping pie-hole spouts,
Vast torrents of abuse obscene,
Lies that make Karl Rove look clean,
Dredged from my polluted soul
And nurtured in some toilet bowl,
I now shall vomit on the air,
Sullen bumpkins to ensnare!
Vile and drug-crazed though my puke is,
To you gnomes it's milk and cookies!
... Okay, first caller is Cindy from Scranton. Go ahead, you cow!
Cindy: Uh, I think Mitt Gromney's supporters are ... zombies. I was at this townhall meeting, and...
Bloafish: WHORE! Why don't you just videotape yourself committing sodomy with a dead corpse and send it to us? You prancing, whoring two-dollar floozy dyke SLUT! (click)
Sigh! (in a reasonable tone) When people call in without a legitimate argument just to push the lesbo-necrophile agenda, they're gonna get short shrift from me.
Scene 3. Dallas, TX: a well-attended Mitt Gromney rally at the J. R. Ewing Colosseum.
Mitt Gromney: (riffing off his supporters' signs) I see you people think "Brains" is what America needs in the White House! Well, I didn't build a zillion dollar business from scratch, on my own, entirely unaided, by being stupid! No sirree, I really used the old gray matter, the old cerebrum and cerebellum...
Gromney zombies: (drooling) Brainz! Bhraaaiiinzzz!!! Ghaaa...
Scene 4. An emergency meeting in the Oval Office.
General Bubbanomics: Mr. President, Peaches at CIA says these Gromney Grepublicans are stiffs resurrected by space aliens!
Glen or Glenda: Gromney (shudder) is not of this earth. He's from Griede 581 g!
President Obammer: How bad is it?
Bubbanomics: Invasion is imminent, and I think some PEWPEWPEW is in order, starting with Gromney!
President Obammer: (righteously) We can't just PEWPEWPEW my opponent and subvert the democratic process! Ix-nay. You must find some other way.
Bubbanomics: Then I shall use cunning, and rank satire. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Come, Glen or Glenda! Come, Ceiling Cat! To the tubes of the Internets! (whoosh)
Scene 5. In the flying saucer, Grumsfeld and Ghreney are giving orders to Congresswoman Michelle Barkingmad (R-Mn). Grubya is on vacation (snore).
Ghreney: Keep on distracting the press from the issues with crazy talk! Make preposterous accusations! Roll your eyes like a squirrel-cage and make shit up!
Michelle Barkingmad: I'm on it! I'll doll up like Vampyra and proclaim that Obammer is the Grand Wizard of the KKK!
Grumsfeld: Good! Make him deny it! ... Meanwhile, PLAN BAIN is now going so well, we'll be landing in force soon! (they cackle)
Grubya: (drowsily) Haul out the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner! (Zzzzz)
Scene 6. A Press Conference in the Nation's Capital
Sean Mooney of the Washington Times: Congresswoman, have you proof that President Obammer is head of the Ku Klux Klan?
Michelle Barkingmad: Yes. (rolling her eyes loonily) I have weighed this evidence very carefully before going public. You see, he's from KENYA, his mom's from KANSAS, and his death panels KILL the elderly! That spells... K-K-K! Gotcha, sucker!
Robert Novak: Brainz? Braainzz...
Scene 7. Inside the Tubes of the Internets
Glen or Glenda: We must lure the aliens into the tubes of the Internets where we'll have the drop on them! Then, PEWPEWPEW!
General Bubbanomics: I sent them a photoshopped picture of a pension fund Bain Capital hasn't looted yet! They'll be here very soon!
(an alien saucer appears in Cyberspace)
General Bubbanomics: PEWPEWPEW!!!
Ceiling Cat: PEWPEWPEW!!!
Glen or Glenda: PEWPEWPEW!!!
(The saucer explodes!)
General Bubbanomics: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
Ceiling Cat: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
Glen or Glenda: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
General Bubbanomics: Without the aliens' subspace signal, the zombies will re-croak, leaving Mitt in the lurch!
All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
Scene 8: A Mitt Gromney Rally at the Joe McCarthy Civic Center in Witchhunt, Wisconsin. Only 2 people are in the audience.
Mitt Gromney: I'd like to share my vision for a new, brainier America--one in which the individual entrepreneur, working alone, in a total frikken vacuum, is the key to ... uh, ... gee... where'd everybody go?
5:09 PM PT: Special thanks to the late, great Edward D. Wood, Jr. (1924-1978)