Dear Mitt:
For too long now we Republicans have been typecast as the anti-science party. Certainly, we find it easy to ignore “science” when it suits us, whether it be the flames blossoming from faucets as a result of fracking, the infernal summer temperatures that melt our flip-flops to the asphalt, or the idea that the sick should have access to “medicine.” For us, evolution is indeed something that happened to other people.
As the Democrats and their rainbow-colored storm troopers gather in Charlotte, I would like to suggest a new tack for your campaign that I believe will lead you to victory. I am proposing that we Republicans embrace one of the most recondite fields of modern physics: string theory. Now here I must confess that I am no scientist. But I have TVo’d the PBS program on string theory, and it seems that it involves several versions of some geek in a polo neck wandering into a bar, ordering several drinks from a bar at once, and playing pool against himself. This admittedly does not sound like your bag, Mitt. But bear with me—string theory opens up the possibility of multiple universes, which I think might get you out of quite a few jams. Somewhere, in this manifold multiverse, is a Barack Obama that was born in Kenya and is a radical socialist and secret Muslim. Somewhere it makes sense for the healthcare policy that worked in Massachusetts to be an umittigated disaster for the country. Somewhere there are women whose bodies can “just shut that whole thing down.” Somewhere, in a distant dimension, Ryan’s budget doesn’t feed grandma to the marauding polar bears driven from their melting homeland. Who knows? –Maybe there’s another version of you out there who paid his taxes. And somewhere there’s a world where there simultaneously are and aren’t exceptions to our Republican anti-choice platform—let’s call it Schrödinger’s Zygote.
Only by invoking a multi-dimensional reality can we Republicans make our policies make sense and finally level with the American people. No strings attached.
Sincerely,
Bob