"200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North." Something you never hear in the news.
CNN: Pat Robertson tells man to go to Saudi Arabia so he can beat his wife; God tells women to go to Virginia so they can beat Pat Robertson.
If I saw a suicide bomber, I'd point to his head and be like “The most powerful bomb is a knowledge bomb.” Then we'd hug. Or explode.
I wonder if any president ever just snapped, and threw a chair and screamed WHY IS IT AN OVAL!
I fell off the bed in the middle of sex and she yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. I think I'm in love...
As a kid you're told drugs lead to bad choices, but eventually you realize you made awful choices without drugs.
Take Dr. Seuss, make him a black midget with chronic asthma and give him access to Urban Dictionary. Behold, Lil' Wayne.
Dancing seductively on the bar is all fun and games until someone gives you money, and then it's a job.
I wish the "Goo Goo Dolls" would do a concert with "Lady Gaga." I just think the name "The Goo Goo Gaga Tour" sounds adorable.