As a practicing Catholic, I've been very concerned over the left's attempts to wage war on the most sacred holiday in Christianity. Some may ask, "Easter?" No. Despite Jesus' resurrection being the basis for our religion, the most important of the Christian holidays, that were strategically placed around pagan holidays, is Christmas.
However, with the ongoing war being waged against Christmas, my family and I must drastically change how we celebrate this season. As you will see, our history, our ritual, our tradition will be forever changed. As much as I do not want to hide my religion, our Christian survival is dependent upon. I highly suggest that you all take note and implement similar strategies.
1) In order to avoid having attention drawn to us for being Christians, my wife and I will not shop for all of our Christmas presents in one location. We much shop at a clothing store for presents related to clothes and toy stores for toys. We need to make it very difficult to be traced. We also have implemented a strategy of buying items online. I know... "But what about your credit card being traced for online purchases?" Paypal is my answer. We may even need to purchase gift cards in which the recipient of such can buy whatever he chooses with it, thus not being traced to us for buying said item.
2) After we are done wrapping our presents for our children and each other, my wife and I must decide in secret places to hide our presents so those that want to destroy Christmas cannot find them and accuse us of being Christians. These presents will be finally freed from these locations at the last minute. Places to hide Christmas presents include in the attic, closets, under the bed, crawlspace. If one is inquiring whether to ask a neighbor or relative to help in hiding presents, be careful. People can easily appear to be Christians by celebrating Christmas, wearing crosses, praying, and putting up lights. Just to be safe, our names will not be noted on the presents, rather, we will use the pseudonyms Santa, Santa Claus, or St Nick.
3) So I do not get fired from my job by by supervisor (don't trust anyone!), I requested the few days surrounding Christmas off as to not celebrate publicly.
4) As the weather gets colder and snow begins to fall, especially since we live in the Midwest, our children may want to go outside to play in the snow, build snow forts, or go sledding. As a precaution, we will dress them in multiple layers of clothing so their Christmas shirts are not exposed for all to see.
5) In order to avoid the haters of Christmas to wreak their vengeance on us, my wife and I will wait until the middle of the night on Christmas morning to get our presents out for our children and place them under the tree. This late night strategy increases the chances that the vast majority of people are asleep, including our young children. Also, if our calculations are correct, our children will wake up before dawn to wake us up in order to open their presents, unknown to others in the neighborhood. They have already learned the importance of stealth in darkness.
6) At some point during the day, we will attend Church. However, unlike previous years, the Mass will not be done outside, openly, in below zero weather. Rather, we will be inside the Church with the doors closed, expressing our faith. With the doors closed, those on the outside will not know what is exactly going on inside. We may also attend something called Midnight Mass which starts at midnight. As mentioned previously, darkness is important. Leaving in the dark to attend Mass and driving when people are asleep may be a smart thing to do. However, beware of the police on the road. There may be infiltrators within their ranks.
I hope this guide was informative. Please, be careful this Christmas season. Our religion depends on it. God bless. What's that? Who's there? Hello? Nnnnnoooooooooooooo!!