Every year my husband writes a new Christmas Story. I've been sharing here on Christmas Eve for the last 4-5 years. I'm sure I'll get some flames for this not being a political post, but I believe in the spirit of sharing in this Christmas season and hope this brings a smile to at least few faces!
Christmas Story, 2012
Well it’s that time of year again when I sit down in front of my laptop and blurt out yet another embarrassing story about a yuletide misadventure… Most years, they are just only mildly embarrassing or mildly painful… And most years it begins with finding the Perfect tree and ends with Katie saying I told you so. This year…, well this year… it started at with the tree and ended up where no one had expected.
(I asked Katie to keep a lid on this year’s tree hunt on the off chance I would decide to write it down.—that’s why there has been no Facebook pictures or posts of this year’s “fun” so far)
This year’s tree hunt started like so many before it, by measuring the height of the living room ceiling (as if it would change from year to year), but since the fiasco of the Perfect Christmas Tree of 2007, we measure every year. --- In 2007 Katie told me we had an 8 foot ceiling and I swore to her it was a 9 foot ceiling (we didn’t measure and went out to buy the tree)… sigh, I had to concede it was indeed an 8 foot ceiling after attempting to put up a 9 foot tree in our living room (gouging the ceiling in the process – I thought I could just squeeze it in there)… I only made matters worse when I tried to trim the tree down by a foot and ended up cutting off more and more of the tree… in an attempt to reshape it around a bald spot until ….we ended up with a 5 ½ foot tree that year…
Needless to say we measure the room every year now. And we bring the tape measure with us to the tree farm as well, thanks to the Perfect Christmas Tree of 2008… when I thought a 9 ½ foot tree looked 8 footer (“See Honey, I can reach the top – it can’t be more than 8 feet” – funny thing is – when you pick a tree growing on the side of a hill.. it’s important NOT to be on the uphill side of the tree when estimating the height – live and learn)… and yes, after 3 ½ feet of cutting and trimming later I had smaller tree, however it was bigger than the last years tree. So I felt I kind of won that one.
But I digress.
So, we measured the room (8 feet again – go figure) then I packed up my tape measure, work gloves, safety goggles, bungee cords and insurance card and out the door we went to find the Perfect Christmas tree.
It was a short drive to the tree farm…, Christmas music was on the radio, the kids were placing bets on how bad I’d get hurt this year – Logan had good money on a pulled groin, Will was betting on a cut finger and Jay had his money on a tree branch in the eye (heh, he didn’t see me pack the safety goggles – sucker). Katie was singing along with the radio and checking on the camera.
It has been unseasonably warm by us all Fall and it had rained pretty hard the night before. The farm was very muddy and the parking lot was up a small hill on a dirt road ---now a mud road. The thought to just park at the bottom of the hill was quickly dismissed. An image of us dropping our tree in the mud as we returned to the van flashed through my head – I decided to risk the drive up the muddy hill. As you may have guessed, the van got stuck in the mud half way up the road. I sat there for a bit just waiting, just waiting … here it comes – I’m going to get out and push and then the van is going to slide back on me – crushing my foot, or worse – hmm, I wondered… was it too late to place a bet on a crushed foot, or try to talk the family into buying a fake tree this year???
The boys and I got out of the van and Katie got into the driver’s seat. I told her to put it in low and we would push. To my surprise we rocked the van out on the first try!!! – AND– I didn’t get crushed!! However, I did manage to fall forward and get covered in mud as the van pulled away. – But still, it was just mud.. no injuries – HA -- no one wins the bet. I was so very happy as I trudged up the hill…. This was going to be my year, we had our misadventure… just some mud, not so bad… and now it’s just smooth sailing.
After we parked the van, we got a tree saw from the guy who owned the tree farm. He offered to cut the tree down for us after we picked one out. As one, the boys shouted “NO, Dad needs to do it, it’s a family tradition”. And off we went.
Now usually, our tree hunt lasts about 2 hours. We walk back and forth, and back on forth, up and down the hill side, looking at tree after tree, trying to decide which one…, which one is the Perfect Christmas Tree? William likes this one, Jason likes that one, Logan insists the one he picked is the one, and Katie is sure that the one she has selected is the absolute best one on the farm. There is always a fight along the way and then there is the inevitable mishap at some point in either cutting the tree down or getting it into the house.
However, this year was different, we all were drawn to the same tree, and yes – it was perfect.
PERFECT.
No bald spots, a real healthy green and that Perfect Christmas Tree Triangle shape… but best of all--- We found our tree in less than 5 minutes. Seriously, less than 5 minutes!! (Absolutely perfect in my eyes now)
The tree was on flat ground, there was no deer poop hidden around the base and the ground was not that muddy at all. We took out the tape measure – 7 ½ foot tall. Perfect!!!!
I could not believe our luck. This had never happened before – I was guessing that the early misadventure was it. The van getting stuck in the mud was really it. I thought to myself, that maybe…, just maybe…, I’d be walking away from this one unharmed mentally, physically and financially. Hey, maybe it was lucky mud–should take some of it home with me for next year?
Anyway, it was time to get down to business. Katie took a picture of the Perfect Christmas Tree and then a picture of the boys with the Perfect Christmas Tree. I put away the tape measure and put on my work gloves and safety goggles (heh – no win Jay – no win!!). As I crawled under the tree, I was shocked at the total lack of deer poop and mud. I thought to myself, this is going to be my year! This really was Perfect.
The saw we had gotten from the tree farmer was new and sharp. It started cutting through the tree with ease. I could not believe how well it was going. From under the tree, I could hear the kids grumbling about how this year was no fun. This could be it – this could be my year! No real damage to anyone or anything… just a little mud.
I was almost all the way through the tree and then all a sudden … I could not cut any more. I had about an inch or so left to cut through the trunk – But no matter how hard or fast I sawed, I could not cut that last inch. DAMN IT!! I brought this on myself. All that “It’s my year” stuff. It jinxed me. It wasn’t lucky mud after all – it was just wet dirt. I was starting to get pretty upset about the whole thing (jinxing myself, thinking I was safe). I could feel the tinge of excitement grow from the boys as they realized something was wrong.
Shifting my position under the tree, I redoubled my efforts, huffing and puffing now…. I was cutting like a maniac. I had to get this tree down before my luck completely changed. I was really breathing hard. Then it happened!!! On a massive inhale to catch my breath, something shot into my mouth. At first I thought it was just a bunch of pine needles, but then… something was moving around in my mouth. It was a bug, some kind of bug!!! WHAT THE (CHRISTMAS CENSORED EXPLETIVE). I was trying to spit it out when I felt it bite my tongue! My filthy tree sap soaked gloved hands shot instinctually into my mouth. The taste was sticky, nasty and was just plain full of awful. I scrambled out from under the tree. I feverously ran my gloves over my tongue as I spat out the remains of a huge spider.
Clutching my sticky gloves to beard, I cried “It bit me, it bit me”. “What bit you?”, Katie asked. I screamed, “A spider, a spider flew into my mouth and bit my tongue.” For 30 seconds, there was dead silence……, and then the boys exploded with laughter. I screamed at them to shut up, it hurt and I thought I was going to be sick… Katie stood there in disbelief, until I showed her the pieces of the spider I had just spit out. “Ewww” was all she said.
Katie then suggested that maybe I had bit my own tongue. After loudly discussing the point with her for a while... (I mean I know the difference between me biting my tongue and a spider biting it… and we don’t argue – we just loudly discuss.. just sounds like arguing to the untrained ear) Katie then suggested that I should just finish cutting the tree down since my screams and the kid’s laughter were starting to draw attention from the other families getting their trees nearby. My tongue felt like a bee sting, it hurt – I know I did not bite it, the spider did.
Perfect Tree my ass… I was so mad…, so mad at myself for thinking I was going to get away from this unscathed. So mad that I thought it would be over so quickly. So mad that Katie would not believe me. I was in pain, and so mad. Out of frustration I grabbed the tree and gave it a (CHRISTMAS CENSORED EXPLETIVE) shake…, I wanted to choke the Perfect Tree… and you know what? – It just gave way. The last inch that I could not cut through, just snapped and the tree lurched into me. Knocking off my safety goggles and poking me in the eye. (So, I guess Jason was the big winner this year – because I don’t think anybody had money on spider bite to the tongue)
The boys continued to cackle as we carried the tree to the farmer’s stand so we could pay and leave. Their laughter would only get louder every time I would say with a growing lisp “Its, not that funny!” We tied the tree to the van’s roof with the bungee cords and drove home without any further incidents. Thank God.
However, by the time I had pulled into our driveway my tongue felt like it was swelling. Once we had the tree unloaded and carried into the house I showed my aching tongue to Katie. “Oh My” was all she said. Then after taking another look at it, Katie called our doctor. Katie had to keep repeating herself to the doctor, “Yes, he was bit on the tongue by a spider while cutting down a Christmas tree”, “No, I do not know what kind of spider it was”, “Yes, I’m serious”.
The doctor wanted me to come in right away so he could take a look at it, he also said to keep my tongue elevated and to put ice on it until we got to his office.
What the hell??? How the?? What does that mean I thought… How the (CHRISTMAS CENSORED EXPLETIVE) do you keep your tongue elevated??? So, I grabbed a cold pack from our first aid kit, stuck my tongue out, pointed my head up and placed the cold pack on my extended tongue. Katie drove me to the doctor’s office as I held my head and tongue in that position.
We got some pretty interesting looks from people when we would stop at traffic lights. I had to fight the urge to say “Merry Kithmas” as the other motorists stared at me.
We got to the doctor’s office in pretty good time and Katie had some fun explaining the whole thing to the receptionist and then to the nurse who came to take us to the examination room. Now, usually there is a long wait at our doctor’s office, but I just had the feeling he could not wait to see this one. We got to see him right away.
The doctor took a good look at my tongue, then told me I really had nothing to worry about since it looked like the swelling had stopped. He then tried to loosen the mood by telling me that he gets “tree cutting accidents all the time, during this season… however this is his first spider bite to the tongue” He then prescribed an antihistamine and some antibiotics just to be safe.
At the end of the examination, he asked what was all over my beard and around my mouth. Katie told him tree sap. The doctor then looked at me tilted his head sideways and quizzically asked – “how the heck are YOU cutting down trees? Next time use a saw.” Both he and Katie got a good chuckle out of that one.
Anyway, we got back home and put the tree up. There was no further craziness, other than the boys singing “Spider-Tree” as we decorated it. (Spider-Tree, Spider-Tree, does whatever a Spider–Tree does. Does it swing from a web? no it can’t, it just tries to kill my Dad dead)
My tongue did hurt for a while, but after a day or so the swelling went away. And after reflection, a spider bite wasn’t that bad (considering what had happened in previous years) … and after all it is a Perfect Christmas Tree.