Dim background lighting. Spotlight on Mitt.
Mitt is wearing a hardhat and safety goggles. He is standing in front of what looks like a waterfall in the dim light. A rushing sound is heard, as of water falling.
On closer look [the light brightens up some] it's not water but people falling from above and disappearing below the stage floor. What originally sounded like the rush of great water turns out to be the wailing of people. A sign at the top identifies the landmark as People’s Falls.
Mitt: What national treasures we have in this great land of ours, from sea to shining sea. This one is my favorite, People’s Falls. We owe these poor folks a lot. What would we do without them?
Mitt (grinning at audience): In case you’re worried where these poor folks are heading, let me assure you they’re just fine. I’m not concerned. They’re just…falling in love. Only kidding…Or how about that Duran Duran song, Falling Down. Love the lyrics and, no, I won’t sing it. Seriously, there are sturdy nets down below to break the fall.
[A moon-base on wheels slowly moves in, stage right. Its top is shaped like a dome. When it stops a hatchway opens and out walks Newt.]
Mitt: Wow, you know Mr. Speaker I’ve never seen a mosque on wheels before.
Newt [outraged]: Have you no shame? The first executive order I’ll issue after I’m inaugurated will make it a felony to cast mocking aspersions on men with grand ideas.
Mitt [grins at the audience]
[Newt opens the cargo hold, hauls out trampolines and throws them over the edge unto the stream of falling people. Shouts of pain are heard as people collide with the dropping trampolines.]
Mitt [to the audience]: Mr. Speaker, what is it that you’re “lobbying” over the edge?
Newt [outraged]: This elitist perversion of our precious official language is precisely why, before Callista and I attend our first inaugural ball, I will issue a directive to immediately cease the use of homophones in all government communications.
Mitt [grins]: Sounds to me like the Speaker has earned a degree in hysteria.
[Newt and Mitt glare at each other. A minute or so passes when suddenly people are seen ascending the Falls, beaming with joy as they move up; but when their trampoline-driven momentum is spent, they fall back down in a panic of flailing limbs. There are many collisions between people moving in opposite directions. The wailing gets even louder.
Santorum stumbles unto the stage, balancing a tall stack of books. He puts the stack down and kneels in prayer. Approaching the falls, he begins to lob books unto the downward rush of bodies. People reach for the books, or collide with them, eliciting cries of pain. Some books, as they are hit, explode into a blizzard of pages, some of which end up swirling around the three candidates.]
Santorum: It’s the Bible. Just look at how they crave the Good Book, for it teaches the poor to forego contraception and sodomy and give themselves up, body and soul, to the gospel of free-enterprise.
[Soon, the books are being hurled back at the candidates by ascending people. The three candidates try to evade the sacred missiles but finally retreat into Newt’s moon-base on wheels, shutting the door behind them. A minute passes and the vehicle begins to shudder and shake and move erratically about the stage. Muffled shouting and yelping is heard from inside. The vehicle moves precariously close to the edge and, in a final spasm, goes over into the abyss.
The sign, People’s Falls, flares brightly momentarily, and everything goes dark.]
CURTAIN