A few weeks ago I suggested that Democrats act less like the scared rabbits they've been since about the day Jimmy Carter was actually scared by a rabbit, and become more like the one rabbit who actually could scare a President of the United States--Bugs Bunny. It is now heartening to look around the political landscape and see that certain wascally Democratic state legislators have come to realize that the Republicans have indeed become a party of relentless if not psychotic Elmer Fudds and have begun to deal with them appropriately. In response to various Republican initiatives to shame and terrorize women, endanger the lives of medical providers, and turn the clock on American sexual behavior back to the 1950s, a handful of female lawmakers have decided that the only way to properly deal with this revolting development is with legislative derision. Thus they've introduced a number of bills specifically designed to curl the barrel of the legal shotgun back on the Fuddians.
The Wall Street Journal’s WSJLaw Blog reports:
In Ohio, Nina Turner, a Democrat, introduced a bill that would limit a man’s ability to get a Viagra prescription without meeting certain conditions, including psychological counseling and written information from doctors about the potential risks….Last month in Oklahoma, State Senator Constance Johnson, a Democrat, introduced an amendment to the so-called “personhood” bill that would declare it an act against unborn children to “waste sperm.” In Illinois, Rep. Kelly Cassidy introduced an amendment to a mandatory ultrasound bill that would require men to watch a graphic video about the side effects of Viagra before being able to get a prescription for it. “If they’re serious about us not being able to make our own health care decisions, then I’m just as serious about them not being able to make theirs,” she said. In Wilmington, Delaware, the state’s largest city, the city council passed a resolution earlier this month, calling on the state legislature and U.S. Congress to pass laws granting “personhood” rights to eggs and sperm. The resolution was written by Loretta Walsh, a councilwoman, as a response to the current battles over health care access for women. A bill in Virginia sought to require rectal exams and cardiac stress tests for men seeking Viagra, while another in Georgia would limit vasectomies for men. If all of these legislative moves make a point, it’s not one that the anti-abortion group Family Research Council appreciates. “It sounds like they’re mocking pro-life bills,” Jeanne Monahan of the FRC told Huffington Post.
Yes, it does sound like they’re mocking pro-life bills, and God bless them for it. It’s about time Democrats went on the offensive. But the Republican onslaught is not just aimed at “women’s issues," it’s
a full-scale carpet-bombing of individual liberties, good citizenship, and common sense. To further the cause of making a mockery of Republican attempts at reinvisioning America as if Elmer Fudd was one of the Founding Fathers, the Nobby Works hereby presents a Contract With America as Bugs Bunny would have written it:
The 10 Commandments Strict Enforcement Act
Although we prefer to abide by the Founding Fathers’ Constitutional prohibition against mixing the roles of Church and State, we recognize that certain municipalities feel compelled to flaunt their Judeo/Christian heritage outside their houses of worship by enshrining hallowed Mosaic Laws in public places. This act will thereby waive enforcement of the First Amendment to the Constitution (and thus save Federal Treasury the cost of such enforcement), providing that any municipality that enshrines the 10 Commandments in a public place show them proper respect by enshrining them into law as well, for example, but not limited to: criminalizing adultery, criminalizing failure to honor the Sabbath by missing religious services or conducting business of any kind, and a strict prohibition against killing by private citizens or government employees.
The American Exceptionalism Act
We recognize that America is an exceptional nation and commit ourselves to advancing laws and policies that support that exceptionalism, specifically in the areas of protecting our exceptionally beautiful natural environment, promoting our historically exceptional generosity toward the poor and huddled masses of the world, and proclaiming our exceptional embrace of Jesus Christ, whose primary lesson to us is to love our enemies.
The Voter IQ Act
To prevent voter fraud and assure that our elected officials are representative of a well-informed electorate, we propose a simple five-question, True-False Civics Test every voter must pass in order to receive a ballot:
1. Social Security is a government program T or F
2. Medicare is a government program T or F
3. Washington bureaucrats and the brave men and women serving in our armed forces are all government employees T or F
4. The Interstate Highway system was built with taxpayer dollars T or F
5. The Constitution specifically gives Congress the right to raise taxes T or F
The Immigration Containment Act
The Pentagon will be tasked with launching a Third World Airlift to drop condoms and birth control pills over high density areas of Asia, Africa, and Latin America.
The Anal Integrity Act
To prevent government subsidizing of sodomy, no tax refunds will be awarded without a doctor’s written statement that taxpayer’s rectum has been used for egress purposes, and not for ingress, except as medically necessary.
The Support Our Troops Act
To curtail the growing epidemic of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and suicide among our troops, we seek to better prepare each recruit for what he or she is in for by subjecting them to 24 hours of non-stop viewing of battlefield carnage (eyelid prods and Beethoven soundtrack provided at government expense).
The Taxpayer's Right to Know Act
In order to curtail growing indifference to what’s being done in our name, we propose a $2500 tax deduction to any taxpayer who voluntarily reports to a local IRS office to participate in a very special Drone Attack Seminar and Video Presentation.
The Middle Class Protection Act
To promote a more level playing field between American workers and foreign workers, we will direct the CIA to begin a secret campaign to foment movements for workers rights around the globe, including, but not limited to, calls for minimum wages, better health and safety standards, and the right to organize.
The First and Second Amendments Balancing Act
To restore the historic balance between the right to free speech and the right to bear arms, we will hereby extend to the First Amendment all the latitude now enjoyed by the Second, to include, but not limited to, elimination of such infringements on free speech as laws against libel, slander, false advertising, and fraudulent contracts and extension of free speech rights to carry pornographic material into college classrooms, political rallies, and state legislatures.
The Muslim Stimulus Act
We will encourage American automakers to turn out bigger, faster cars and American consumers to refuse public transportation and any efforts at economizing on their personal driving habits in order to funnel more American dollars to Saudi princes and other despots in the Middle East in the belief that this money will trickle down to poorer Arabs, thus stabilizing their tenuous economies and making them hate us less.
Comedian Registration Act
We will require that all comedians register with the Clerk of their local government office so voters will not be confused between people who actually earn a living making people laugh and those whose professional and civic behavior is wholly laughable.