The sun rises at promptly 7:00am on a beautiful black-and-white morning. Gregory Oren Pinkerton of Swan Lake, a beautiful upper-class gated community near a beautiful lake wakes calmly to start his day.
He stretches and yawns while looking in the mirror to pick out his clothes today for mandatory mass. He slips on a simple white button down shirt and pulls over a lavish gray sweater-vest to match his gray dress pants.
This is the start to a day in the life of Gregory Oren Pinkerton.
As he settles his hair into a perfect combover, with not a hair out of place mind you, Gregory walks across the hall to greet his wife Gretchen in her room.
"Uh, oh" Gregory says to himself as he still sees his wife in a slumber. Gregory isn't his best when he doesn't have his breakfast (Raisin Bran with skim milk) with the Business section of RedState in front of him.
"These are Gretchen's duties", he says to himself as he gave a look of pity and shock as Gretchen continued slumbering through her alarm clock set to The Wit & Wisdom Of Ronald Reagan. He awoke Gretchen up with a loving slap on the shoulder as she immediately apologized.
"I am so sorry. I overslept. Please forgive me.", Gretchen stated with dust in her tear ducts. Before waiting for her husband to answer, she raced down the stairs to prepare breakfast, get the mail and dress up their pride & joy, Grover as he prepared for school.
Grover is nearing the age of 18 as he prepares to fill out his college applications. The town noticed his talent when at the age of 6, he was already a better shot than most of the 7-year olds! Big things were expected out of Grover and Gregory took note. Gregory even let Grover fire his first person at the age of 10, five years before any other child on the block had a chance to!
However he was up as late as 8:00 last night playing the new "Call of Duty: Transvaginal Warfare" on his Wii, was shockingly up when Gregory made his way to the dining room.
"How late were up till, son?" Gregory asked before continuing, "you know, if you want to go to Goldwater University you must get your 14 hours of sleep".
"Gee, sorry Father! I didn't mean to but I got wrapped up in that game....." Grover ended apologetically.
"Well, as long as you were up studying, I can't yell at you", Gregory finished.
The two men of the family ate as they discussed topics such as the widely-praised spinach mandate that was sweeping Swan Lake (all families must refuse to eat it) before Gretchen was allowed a glass of water after cleaning the house.
Gretchen seemed a bit unsettled before her son asked, "Mother, how are you?". Gretchen gave Gregory a serious look before mouthing the words "Gertrude".
BOOM.
The sound of all of Swan Lake's doors being slammed shut banged like a nuclear bomb. A mob of citizens with faces as scarlet as blood, demanded to know Gertrude's whereabouts. A town of sweater-vests and dresses became a town of pitchforks and self-censored swear words.
"WHERE IS SHE", the mob chanted.
"We said, that we can't wait to vote for DeMint!", Grover quickly answered.
The town, respecting Grover as the wunderkind that he is, relaxed and cheered on the family before retreating back to their domains.
"Excellent thinking, Grover", Gregory began before rounding on his wife "what in the name of Inhofe are you thinking, Gretch? We could've been killed! Those new Stand The Rest Of The World laws, which are constitutional, could've made us victims!".
As Gretchen mumbled her hourly apology for sleeping in, she quietly joined the family at the table.
Gertrude is the Pinkerton family's other child who was recently excommunicated from the village. You see, a friend from the neighboring ungated development posted a picture of her and Gertrude on her Facebook. The fact that women were on the internet was enough to make any self-respecting person's faint but the picture was taken at an Adam Lambert concert.
The double-whammy of supporting an alleged bestiality supporter (given after Lambert was seen kissing his boyfriend) and internet usage led to Gertrude's life being in danger. Gregory, in a quick moment of fatherly love, broke off ties with Gertrude who was living in parts unknown.
The mention of Gertrude's name almost ruined the morning before they were saved at the thought of attending church.
As the family headed in their Cadillac to St. Huckabee's, they seemed to put the morning behind them as the ride was almost cheery.
In the town's Constitution, church must be attended everyday but you get the vibe that you almost have to pay these people to not go to it.
Cardinal Santorum, a jovial man in his 50s, lead the mass and was well-regarded within the community. The Cardinal was affable and many thought he had a chance to be elected the next President of the United States before he decided he'd rather stay with in Swan Lake (though rumors of anti-Semitism run rampant).
As the family went in to church with the rest of the community, Cardinal Santorum said "Jesus loves you, God Bless all of you" and then mass was over.
"I feel saved, Father!", Grover exclaimed.
"Me too, son, me too", Gregory said wiping tears away.
The Pinkertons headed back home with the sense of accomplishment as they felt they were one step closer to their creator. Gregory hadn't felt this proud since he excommunicated a man named Pablo after he dare say "Adios" to Grover. Gregory after all has to watch his son, for Pete's sake.
As Gretchen tended to her nightly duties and Grover practiced shooting effigies of the socialist Bernie Sanders in their backyard in order to pass his SATs, Gregory had to take care of his least favorite thing in the world: taxes.
The Pinkertons, just like the rest of Swan Lake, had to pay their taxes at the end of every month. Gregory's mouth opened in shame of the once-great nation as he saw that he owed .05 to the country.
"I earned this money, and they just take it away......", Gregory mumbled to himself.
Gregory shakily threw in his nickel and had to loosen to the top button off his shirt to cool himself down. This obscene gesture was luckily unnoticed by the rest of the community who were outside paying vigil to former President Norquist who allegedly had a case of the rhinovirus. The town was glued to their radios for further updates.
As the clock neared 6:00pm, it was time for bed. As Gretchen went into her room, Gregory turned on the TV that was stuck on the Weather Channel.
"Another record-high for January as temperatures reached 85 degrees today. This winter has been the warmest on record with an average temperature of 74. All across the world we've seen record droughts, heat waves & the glaciers in the Arctic have all but melted....."
"Socialist drivel, all the trees that weren't the right height needed to be chopped down as they weren't productive. All living things must be profitable to survive....." Gregory ranted to no one in particular. This would be the last time he would watch the science channels.
As bedtime neared and Grover kissed his mother goodnight and gave a firm handshake to his father, who just got finished reading "S.L.U.T.S: Single Ladies Under The Socialists"; Gregory took one last look outside.
Swan Lake was gently receding to its lowest levels ever. Gregory subconsciously gulped before realizing his mistake and promptly blaming Gretchen before he dozed off to sleep.
Just another day in Republican Utopia.