Sometimes, without warning, not even a hint, it sneaks up on you. There you are, sitting quietly, minding your own business, and all of a sudden it reaches around your lower back, like a surprise girdle, like a huge taloned claw, and all of a sudden, often without warning, it surrounds your entire lower back with thousands of tiny Tazers, each making an individual strand of muscle spasm like a guitar string.
Forget standing up, forget about coughing. And should a random sneeze decide to come ofr a visit . . . . well, this is a family site and language like that simply won't do.
And that's just the spasm time.
During a severe attack, it seems as though time stops. Your eyes are open, but they don't process visual signals. Things you hold in your hands may be dropped, or you may crush them.
At times you cannot help but think that every bloody, miserable second is so agonizing, so ridiculously disabling, that your mind flits across activities that you no longer dare try.
You can't think, you can't work, you can't even breath deeply. Lying down won't help, and getting up again is a battle you really want to avoid.
On the really bad days, when the pain and spasms are almost constant - stop me if you heard this before - "Take my back. Please." Ha Ha Ha. Oops, there I go channelling my inner mitt.
OK, tis not that funny.
When you cannot find any comfortable position, when the slightest bump in the road elicits a groan, when standing up is almost an impossible task, and when chemical pain killers, whether it be the hydrocodone or narcotics, are about as effective as a jelly bean. And that's not at all funny.
There are, I suppose, three or four choices available.
a. Do nothing, and hope it goes away.
Insurance industry experts love to claim that most back injuries tend to resolve themselves over a few years, regardless of the kind of treatment (or lack thereof) you receive. When defending PI cases involving back injuries, they push these "findings" and "facts" as though they were Gospel. "They are faking! Back injuries heal! Trust us!"
Come to think of it, they are about as accurate and factual as the Gospel. And that's the truth, bliss yore sole.
If you have not experienced such constant pain and suffering, well, I really hope that you don't. Doing nothing, for too many sufferers, is simply not an option. Even ignoring the actual suffering people endure, the loss in worktime, the loss of productivity, and the impact on family, loved ones, and coworkers is brutal and unacceptable. Society loses as a whole, and the individual suffers needlessly.
b. Pain meds.
In actual, factual terms, back pain and back injuries are real money makers for drug companies, even though they manufacture none, absolutely none, not even one "pain killer." NSAIDs (aspirin, Aleve, etc) can help ease minor pains, at the risk of ulcers, stomach bleeding, and allergic reactions. But for severe pain, they, too, resemble jelly beans. The more expensive, powerful drugs don't kill pain either - they simply make you not care too much about it. Not to mention memory problems, and a whole slew of side effects. Some users even become addicted, getting a double whammy - they still have pain, but now they have an addiction to contend with. Even worse, the FDA is so afraid that you might become addicted, that they are actively suing oncologists who prescribe too many narcotics to their terminal patients. Talk about ineffable stupidity.
c. Use drugs.
Unfortunately, even as 53% of Americans now support the casual or medical use of marijuana, too many people in power refuse to consider ever bowing to science or to listen to the voices of a majority of Americans. When you consider just how aggressively the anti-Pot brigade fights against legalization, (They waste BILLIONS of your tax dollars each year), the fact that so many Americans still find our war on Drugs to be a loser in so many ways, it simply is amazing. In the face of ridiculous propaganda, the People know better, and still the Government-Prison for Profit Complex destroy the lives of thousands of teens and adults each week - for lighting up a natural, incredibly useful weed. More than any other topic, this proves that given enough information and experience, you can trust Americans to think rationally and support the right position. Unless you sniff TeaBuggered waters. Or unless you are a modern day conservative christian, and anyone enjoying themselves, be it through hand holding, alcohol, sex, or pot must be committing a mortal sin.
Unfortunately, the War on Drugs is not only a failure, it forces failure upon others, those who suddenly and without reasonable cause find themselves guilty of a "crime." As for myself, I cannot afford such results, simply because I swore an oath to uphold the law. Practicing lawyers and judges, police and sheriffs - they are shit out of luck in this case. Even in the states where medical use is legal, the feds continue their utterly myopic and destructive war, making a bad situation worse.
And those with chronic pain? "Fuck them," says Eric Holder. May I return the favor, Mr. Holder? or as Jesus said in Aramaic "GFCKYRSLF!"
d. ahhhh.
There is a third choice, one that I found screaming, kicking and complaining about all the way to the table.
No, not the surgical table. Been there, done that, have two titanium bars with six large screws to show for it, not counting that really cute telltale scar. And not to mention that as success stories go, this isn't.
My honey has been swearing about a spa in Niles, Illinois; The King Spa and Sauna. Finally, after two weeks of agony, with flexoril, Naproxin, and hydrocodone doing absolutely nothing, with a lack of sleep, and making it an agonzing feat just to stand up from a chair, the bed or even the toilet, I submitted.
This spa has a number of different saunas, each with a different purpose. A russian purist would scoff at most of them, simply because they would seem not hot enough (never fear, they have those, too). What they do have is different means of applying heat to your body. A salt room is truly made of mined salt blocks, and how your body reacts is really strange. Then, the Emerald room, with walls of volcanic stones, cut in half, all bearing crystals. The tatami mats and wooden blocks allow you to lie down and meditate. The Gold room (Seriously, the pyramid shape room is covered on the inside with gold) seems to add energy, just as the sweat begins to flow.
There's an Ocher room, where it is best to start. And a Charcoal room that is intended to help remove toxins. The Oak room is closed two hours each day, to replenish the oak to burn and provide the heat. Ther is an experimental room which is also quite warm, and it is notable that several Oncologists are beginning to send their patients there for follow up care.
And the ice room. When your body gets hot enough, it is suggested to go chill in a room that is about 45-50 degrees F. And a really healthy Korean restaurant, a TV room, a sleep room, and even a movie theatre. Not only is this place spotless, it is just plain comfortable.
But enough about the saunas (not including the steam ones in each bath room, along with three large, exceptionally clean hot tubs, and multiple showers, etc.) The reason why you want to heat up your body is only the preliminary step to what really helps.
Accupuncture Massage.
Imagine limping into a room, barely able to get on a table and lay face down. Imagine a tiny Korean girl, at least one head shorter, and several stone lighter, who checks out your back, then begins to inflict her well-trained accupunctual form of torture.
She stretches your back, then works on neck, head and shoulders. When each elbow is pressed below the shoulder blades, it is one thing, but when she stands on your back, and presses her heels into your buttock, pressing against the ceiling to give her more pressure, or using her knuckles to press into every single strand of every single back muscle - well, that is bad, but it gets worse. When she starts working on the tight calves, it is agony. But then she uses an elbow with almost all her body weight on the most sensitive parts of your foot, well, I screamed. I screamed so loudly that people heard me outside the massage area.
Each time she started on a new body part, I thought, "No, not there, a little more . . . ow. . . . OUCH. . . . Oh SHIT, STOP! DON'T . . . . .Hey, Don't stop!. Oh my god, that just released these other muscles. Holy back ache, batman!"
Despite my screams to stop, she did not listen. Instead she began swearing. "Jesus Christ, this is the tightest back I ever saw! Wait, I need to do this one more thing."
"ARGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!"
"Yes, Pastor Ag, I think I found the spot."
And then one blessed hour later, when she was done, for the first time in three weeks, I could stand straight up, I could bend, I could sit in comfort, and I could walk without limping.
When I left, the manager asked me if I was alive and OK. Gee, being able to stand up straight alone, not to mention walking without a limp? Priceless.
Accupressure massage is not for the timid. It can and does often hurt like hell. But if a doctor clears you for it, (My scalpel bearing sturgeon looked at my last x-rays, and said, Go forth and accupuncture yourself. You have obvious distress) try it. It can be a life changing event. Imagine going a week with a low level of pain, and being to be able to function semi-normally. THAT is how good it is.
It may not work for you. You may not have access to a well trained, experienced little Korean girl who literally bounces off the walls and ceilings, hitting your nerve and energy points with a knuckle, elbow or foot. But if you do, give it a try.
(insert smarmy theme song like, "I can see clearly now, the pain is gone, or Papa's got a brand new back, or Comfortably Numb, or even (I can get some) Satisfaction" )