This diary is inspired and encouraged from a comment from a previous diary here
In that diary, I came to an epiphany of sorts on how pervasive sexist behavior invades our minds and our culture. This diary however? This is something that I have been living for the past eight years I have been employed at my current location.
Join me beyond the fold if you may, for one persons perception and introspection into how minority citizens are still to this day placed, like baby, into a corner.
I guess I should start by describing where I work?
I work in government. I am a public sector employee. Specifically I work for HUD, not immediately direct mind you, no I work for a Housing Authority. Funds come in and we then dole these out in the form of subsidized housing. Given that I work in a moderate urban location it, unfortunately mind you, comes to be that we service a large portion of minorities.
In our office, we also employ a large minority group. In fact the majority of our office is minority, and also women as well. Because of this, I am in the minority of my work place. I am a white male.
...and it was really only until I got this job that I recognized how privileged I am.
I didn't ask for it, and to be honest I really wish I wasn't given it. There are days that I really wish I could just hide in our server room and ignore the entire world and get lost in ESX scripts and Cisco IOS programming.
But as I learned pretty quick, as a medium size IT department, the sysadmin must come out like Punxsutawney Phil, from time to time and predict the direction of an organization's IT direction. And in coming out, based on my position and perspective, I found peoples reactions shaped my thought and opinion.
Mind you now, this epiphany took a lot of time for it to form. Later here in this narrative I will describe to you an instance that planted the seed of the idea that racism isn't gone in this nation, no it just is cloaked to some degree. Like a Klingon vessel waiting in the wings, it sits cloaked ready to fire when possible. Firing to do as much damage as possible.
I'm rambling to some degree so let me bring my point closer perhaps.
My boss, or rather my immediate supervisor, is African American. He hired me on a chance from a retail store where I worked as a bench tech. He saw something, I don't know what to this day really, that had value. It was an amazing chance for me. His decision literally helped me to build my house that I write this in tonight. I am indebted to him in ways that I cannot describe. A former military man, serving as an artillery man, he apparently saw something in me that reminded him of both rigid discipline and a drive to get a job done.
I owe so much to him that the ninetieth time I experienced direct racism towards him it made my blood boil. The Irish Man in me wanted to literally punch the racist ass in the face for being so.....I don't know, the words are lost as I am seething again right now.
Let me describe the first situation I can remember and then maybe, I don't know, you can get an idea of how I felt after having been berated with it over and over again.
This was my second year at my position. Still getting my feet wet in that transition from private to public sector (It is as polar crazy as people describe), I was joining my boss in a business meeting with a vendor who was going to quote us a project on connecting our scattered locations with wireless.
We drove a company vehicle to the vendors building. Well more specifically I drove because I at the time could not really ride passenger, I got crazy dizzy sick at times. We arrived in the late afternoon, parking the car under a shade tree. We walked to the front of the building, I opened the first door for him and he opened the second door for me.
Both of us stepped in nearly lock step to the front desk, the secretary taking notice of us looked to me first and then asked "How can I help you"
....I didn't notice it yet
My boss spoke up and mentioned that we were there to meet so and so. The secretary corrected herself to some degree, again something I had to reflect on to notice, and mentioned to my boss that we could take a seat in the waiting area to the left of the reception desk. We then motioned ourselves to the waiting area for our chance to speak with this vendor.
We waited and discussed the possible upcoming project.
Two people talking as a boss and subordinate, yet talking as equals about an upcoming venture. His ideas just as equal as mine. I deferring to his experience, him deferring to my fervor; we, as we always have, stood as equals. This was how I saw ourselves, and I like to think to this day, this is how he saw ourselves.
The vendor we spoke with that day though?....well that was a different story.
I had yet to that day never really thought about race. Honestly I never had!
I've always been a very egalitarian person, trying to strictly think about topics and people through the rose colored lenses of equality. I realized then, as I did recently regarding women, that this reality I built for myself was nothing more than a house of cards.
The vendor came out to us, to meet us in the rec room of the office they resided. He approached us cordially enough, yet his direction was very obviously working towards myself.
You've been in those situations right? Usually the person meeting offers the hand shake towards those they feel are in the position of power? Well yes, I got the first hand shake.
And yet....I still didn't get it.
We introduced ourselves and started the small talk. Yet during this talk, he continually deferred questions my way. It was as if he assumed I was in charge. I figured because I happened to be the one to answer a particular question first he might have made a mistake on who was the superior. There were times the vendor would ask questions that were literally above my head and I continually deferred to my boss, who then answered those questions. Those same questions that I honestly was not in any position to answer despite the vendors assumption that I was the superior.
And even still....I still didn't get it yet.
We left said meeting, and I thought to myself that maybe perhaps I had just used certain words or phrases that maybe just belied the vendor into thinking that I was the person on the lead for this project.
I feel like a horrible person to this day to admit this though.....It took another 2 years before I finally saw what was really going on. It many more meetings just like that one, to make me realize that there was something larger going on here.
No it took another 2 years to make me realize that I, as a white male, was appreciating a response from other white males. I continue to see it even to this day, yet at least after those two years of not really paying attention, I now see the waters amongst which I swim.
And then I finally got it.....Racism still existing in this nation.
It may not be as bold as it used to be, but it is still there. It is pervasive, just as pervasive as I diaried about sexism previously. Yet, if we can recognize the waters that we swim in...maybe perhaps we can spawn and move into different waters?
I'd like to think so.