Thu May 31, 2012 at 3:09 PM PT: Holy Meta Jesus on a pogo stick, can we all just lay down our swords and shake hands, or something? This is draining, and nothing is going to get resolved. Some people are not convinced by the evidence-that's fine. Most of them have indicated they will simply not comment in TN's diaries from now on, which seems like a reasonable compromise.
I'm exhausted at this point, and need to take a break. A few things I want to state for the record.
The emails I posted in this diary did NOT come from a member of Daily Kos. According to Weatherdude, they came from a Right Wing troll.
Regarding Timeus, who was apparently accused of being one of the emailers, The Nephew said this:
I 100% and without question know (10+ / 0-)
that you did not send me the emails. I have the IP address of the sender and they are not you.
Any accusations against any member of this site for sending emails to The Nephew are baseless and detrimental. This is being handled by admin, as it should be.
Here, have some muppets:
I'm out
(OK-one more thing from the always wise Wee Mama:
Asking questions civilly and reaching for clarity (3+ / 0-)
Recommended by:mahakali overdrive, joedemocrat, SwedishJewfish
is not by itself wrong - there is after all a site rule that people here can be anonymous but cannot misrepresent themselves. It is only if questions are asked and pursued aggressively or in bad faith that someone raising questions acted wrongly.
Let me start off by saying that I really, really did not want to write this diary. My natural inclination in situations like this is to simply walk away. I hate conflict, and I know that no matter how carefully I word this, people will inevitably either take it the wrong way, or use it as a way to stir up drama. With Netroots Nation on the horizon and an election coming up, the last thing in the world I want to do is divide this site in any way. I consider this my internet home away from home, and I've grown incredibly close to many of you.
After a particularly brutal week though, I decided this just wasn't even worth it anymore. I wrote up a GBCW diary-but ultimately, I couldn’t bring myself to post it. I still feel too connected to this community to leave. Besides which, I’m pretty stubborn and I don't believe in backing down to bullies.
Furthermore, over the past week, I inadvertently solved a mystery that has apparently plagued the Daily Kos community for over 2 years-one that started long before I joined, and didn't even know existed until very recently. The mystery I'm speaking of surrounds the Kossack known as "The Nephew"-who, if recent discussions here are any indication, a large swath of this community sees as a fraud and/or sock puppet.
Let me also state this for the record that I have no horse in this race. I was not here in 2010, so I was not emotionally or in any other way involved with the saga of Florida4Obama or her nephew. In fact, up until very recently I just assumed he was a new user because I had never seen him before. I didn't even comment in any of his diaries until last week.
It was in that diary that I inadvertently stumbled into a dead thread where he was being questioned and implicitly accused of being a fraud. Without knowing any of the context, I bumbled in and tried to diffuse the situation-and quickly regretted it. It soon became apparent that there were elements to the story that I wasn't aware of, and I felt a bit foolish inserting myself in the middle of it. I generally try to stay away from controversy here, and had no intentions of being pulled into a fight for someone who, it seemed, may very well be a troll.
Still, as someone who has been on the receiving end of my share of harassment and false accusations lately (side note-I’m not addressing the accusations in this diay, but I have refuted them on my blog here) I felt empathy for him. So I sent him a private message letting him know that he wasn't alone. We exchanged messages back and forth-and eventually, I gave him my phone number (and yes-I do realize that might sound crazy but by this point most of my private information had been published online without my consent anyways so it really didn't matter)
After I gave him my phone number, I received a response almost immediately. And when I saw it, I laughed. It said something along the lines of "I just saw this on my phone and tried to call, but my phone died. I'm out right now so I can't put it on the charger. Can I call you tomorrow morning?"
This, to me, seemed like a load of BS. If his phone was dead, how was he able to respond to the email? To me it seemed like nothing but a stalling technique. I assumed, at that point, that the theory that "The Nephew" was really "The Aunt" was probably correct.
So imagine my surprise when the next morning I got a phone call from a North Carolina area code-and on the other end was a young man unmistakably in his 20's, unmistakably male, and unless he hired someone to pretend to be his boyfriend, unmistakably gay.
I talked to Matt for a little over an hour-and by the end of the conversation I had no doubt in my mind that he was exactly who he had portrayed himself as online. He answered all of my questions-some of them rather probing-without a moment’s hesitation. Things that had raised my suspicion and the suspicion of others here turned out to have very simple explanations. For example-much hay has been made over the fact that Matt has a Trust Fund™, but his aunt was often in dire straits financially. Well, as it turns out-the wealth comes from his father’s side of the family. His aunt is his mother’s sister-and thus would have no way of accessing the family fortune. Those abusive emails that he never reported to the site admins? Turns out he did report them after all-he just chose not to talk about it publicly. Which makes perfect sense when you think about it-he was trying to de-escalate the situation. Admitting that he reported the emails to admins would have probably made the harassment even worse.
By the end of our conversation, I decided that I wanted to write something in defense of Matt. But as I started to write, I went back over some of the threads and comments where questions were raised-and once again, I started to doubt him. In particular, the story about him being kicked out of school for being gay seemed a bit outlandish to me. Along with that, the names of some of the people who were publicly doubting him were very respected members of the community.
So I sent him an email and asked if he would be willing to provide proof to back that story up. I just needed to make absolutely sure that he was being honest with me before I put myself on the line for him. Again, I assumed I would never hear back from him.
He responded in less than an hour. First, he gave me access to two private blogs that he kept after his move from North Carolina to Florida. These blog posts contained literally hundreds of comments from Matt's friends, as well as his former classmates and even a teacher. Some of the comments were from profiles that were still active online-so the possibility that Matt could have made the comments himself was ruled out.
These comments are a testament to the warped world he grew up in, and the kind of treatment he endured after being outed. Here is just a small sampling:
Matt also forwarded a few of the harassing emails he had received. Here is another sample: (NOTE FOR CLARIFICATION-Since first writing this, I learned that the IP address of the person who wrote these emails was traced back to a right wing troll. This was NOT a member of the Daily Kos Community)
YOU FAKE ASSHOLE YOU POOR MONEY STARVING LITTLE BITCH YOU ARE NOT GAY YOU ARE A WOMAN YOU ARE FLORIDA4OBAMA ADMIT IT NOW KOS KNOWS THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU LEAVE NOW OR YOU WILL BE EXPOSED FOR ALL TO SEE
"The Nephew"
You are a fraud,
You are a fake.
I watch you lie,
Make others cry.
You are not gay,
like you say.
You are the aunt,
You can not recant.
You are a woman,
Someone to summon.
You need some love,
So you pretend to be.
I hope you die,
Poke you in the eye.
Watch you fry,
You can't deny.
I watch you post,
I will make you roast.
Banned you will be,
as soon as others see.
The fake you are,
you aren't a star.
FU.
A regular Sylvia Plath, I tell you.
Finally, Matt sent me something that erased any remaining doubt in my mind-a copy of the school conduct code from the private evangelical high school he attended in North Carolina. Right there, in black in white, was the provision in the conduct code that got him kicked out-explicitly stating that not only were "deviant behaviors" like homosexuality and bisexuality grounds for expulsion-but even supporting or condoning the behavior (which one can only assume includes being friends with that person) is grounds for dismissal. Chillingly, the few friends who came to Matt's defense in the comments section in his blog were threatened with this-and told that if they continued defending him, they would be turned in to school administration.
In examining the evidence then, we are left with two different possibilities:
First possibility- In the year 2008, Matt-who judging from his voice and the pictures I have seen of him would have been a teenager at the time-created a pseudonym on Daily Kos called "Florida4Obama" and for 2 straight years pretended to be a middle aged woman living in Florida. Then, in 2010, he decided to switch online personas and created "The Nephew". In addition to posting numerous diaries at Daily Kos, he created 2 blogs that talked about his life in Florida-complete with pictures of some random 20 year old guy living said life in Florida-and dozens of phony accounts that left comments on these blogs-long before his identity was ever questioned. In addition, he kept a handful of the accounts that made comments active over the ensuing two years. He found a private school in North Carolina that made a practice for kicking out students for being gay, and was somehow able to get a copy of that conduct code in his possession to send to me. And he was able to send himself emails from an IP address that was thousands of miles away to pretend he was being harassed.
Second possibiliy- He is telling the truth, and a small but vocal contingent of Kossacks have been publicly harassing and scapegoating an emotionally traumatized teenager for the past 2 years.
In a reality based community, I certainly hope most people here go with the second option-even though it is not a pleasant reality to confront. And that leads me to the bigger question that I would like to address here today-why did this happen in the first place, and what can we do to make sure it doesn't happen again?
When I was in the 8th grade, a marble notebook was passed around my homeroom. The "slam book" as it was called. Each page had a name as the heading, under which people could write their unfiltered thoughts about that person. Since I was not part of the cool crowd, I wasn't allowed to see it-until I was called into the guidance counselors office, along with the rest of my class, after the book was discovered by a member of the faculty.
For reasons that are, to this day, completely inexplicable to me the Guidance Counselor showed me my page. It was not anything I wanted to see. Other than a few halfhearted platitudes, everything that was written about me was downright malicious. I can't remember exactly what was said (I recall it mainly being about what a disgusting slut I was) but I thought at the time my life was over. It was confirmed now that my entire class hated me, and to make matters worse even the guidance counseler and my principal probably thought I was a terrible person.
Sadly, put-downs and scapegoating is something many people do to feel good about themselves or to feel group cohesion. And with modern technology at our disposal, the "slam books" and bathroom walls have now been given a digital makeover. The most recent reports show that over 50% of adolescents experience cyberbullying or cyberharrasment at one point in their lives. Some studies have shown that it is more psychologically harmful than traditional bullying-and it is a growing problem among adults as well.
Cyber bullying and cyber harrasment are particularly devestating for 2 main reasons. First, technology gives perpetrators the ability to harrass their targets 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. While traditional bullying is no picnic, most victims are able to find refuge at home. But when they can be targeted through email, text message, and on their cell phones they have no escape.
Second, unlike the slam books, bathroom stalls, and other more primative forms of defamation-once something has been said online, it never goes away. This has especially devestating impications for adult targets. In an age where most employers do a cursory google search on prospective employees, it can ruin reputations, careers and lives.
There are differences in the terminology and a few slight variances in motivation and technique between the online abuse meted out to children and adults. When children are involved, it is called Cyberbullying. When adults are involved, it is called Cyberharrasment. No matter what the age group, the intent and desired response is almost always the same-to intimidate and to denigrate a person until they are completely powerless.
This almost always involves slander and character defamation. Rumors, inneundo, gossip and false allegations-whether spread via whisper campaigns on back-channell communications, or posted publicly on Slam boards and social networks, the result is chilling. Even if the charges made are completely baseless, popular opinion holds that if someone is targeted, they must have done something to deserve it. Even if the charges made are not believed. It inevitably colors held perceptions-even the perceptions we have of ourselves.
The other result is that harrassment almost always provokes a response. While it may seem easy enough from the outside looking in to tell a victim of bullying or harrassment to just ignore it, it's usually not that simple. It is our natural reaction to abuse-whether physical or emotional-is to defend ourselves. Of course, responding in this way only empowers the bully further by giving them the gratification of knowing they are under your skin. When a victim responds, they are often told that they are overreacting.There is a clinical term for this-it is a form of emotional manipulation known as gaslighting.
Gaslighting is always done to provoke a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal. They become more hesitant to speak out-afraid that their resposes will be used as further ammunition against them. It ultimately renders people emotionally mute.
So what are we, as a community, to do about all of this? First, I think it's important to define the problem. When we speak of Cyber harassment or cyber stalking, there is a strict definition of that behavior:
From the National Conference of State Legislatures (Note-there is a chart that shows the different laws for each state on this website)
Many states have enacted "cyber stalking" or "cyber harassment" laws or have laws that explicitly include electronic forms of communication within more traditional stalking or harassment laws. In addition, recent concerns about protecting minors from online bullying or harassment have led states to enact "cyber bullying" laws. This chart identifies only state laws that include specific references to electronic communication. However, other state laws may still apply to those who harass, threaten or bully others online, although specific language may make the laws easier to enforce. This chart classifies the various state laws addressing these three different types of online behaviors, as described below.
Cyberstalking |
Cyberharassment |
Cyberstalking is the use of the Internet, email or other electronic communications to stalk, and generally refers to a pattern of threatening or malicious behaviors.
Cyber stalking may be considered the most dangerous of the three types of Internet harassment, based on a posing credible threat of harm. Sanctions range from misdemeanors to felonies.
|
Cyber harassment differs from cyber stalking in that it is generally defined as not involving a credible threat.
Cyber harassment usually pertains to threatening or harassing email messages, instant messages, or to blog entries or websites dedicated solely to tormenting an individual.
Some states approach cyber harassment by including language addressing electronic communications in general harassment statutes, while others have created stand-alone cyber harassment statutes
|
There is a difference between the illegal and punishable forms of online behavior, and things like trolling, flaming, and heated debates. I've been targeted by misogynists and RWNJ's ever since I started blogging and wear it as a badge of honor. For example, Big Government blogger Lee Stranahan wrote not
one but
two blog posts about one of my diaries and how much he really, really hates Daily Kos. And most recently, I had a starring role in a
9-minute long Youtube rant by an angry Men's Rights Activist. I find both of these very amusing. I don't think anyone enters the world of netroots politics thinking it's going to be all marshmallows and unicorns. As Gloria Steinem said "The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off". When I piss the right wingers off, I know I'm probably doing something right. And when they make it personal-especially when they start making sexist comments as they often do-then to me, that's a clear sign I've won the argument.
But the issues that have arisen lately are not the result of battling with the right wing. While as Weatherdude suggests in his diary, there may be infiltrators trying to sew dissent during election season, in my case and in TN's case this came from people ostensibly on our side. And while a few of those responsible have been warned or banned, this speaks to a larger problem-the circular firing squad that sometimes characterizes the progressive movement. The factionalism and cliquishness that naturally results when you get a large swath of people together like this inevitably results in pack-behavior, and emboldens (or pressures) people into acting out in ways they wouldn't normally.
My suggestion would be to follow the Wee Mama rule. Before you say anything to or about another Kossack, ask yourself these three questions:
Is it True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary?
And act accordingly
And remember that Free Speech also means freedom from abuse and harrasment. If people here are afraid to speak out about the things that matter, then maybe we aren't as free as we would like to believe.
Thu May 31, 2012 at 6:37 AM PT: Just a few clarifications...
I'm not trying to imply that anyone who had doubts about Matt's validity or the validity of his story is a bully. The insiduous nature of rumors and innuendo creates an atmosphere of doubt-even I was influenced by it as I admitted here.
There is a difference between asking a question, seeking clarification, and outright making an accusation. There is also a difference between making an accusation and sending harrassing and threatening emails like the ones posted. Personally, I don't think it's fair to make public accusations or even insinuations/suggestions about another person if you don't have solid proof to back up your claim. It doesn't pass the Wee Mama test, but it doesn't necessarily make you a bully either.
Thu May 31, 2012 at 11:51 AM PT: UPDATE #2
According the The Nephew, the IP address of the person sending him the harrassing emails were traced to a right wing troll. I did not realize this at the time I wrote the diary, otherwise I would have clarified.