Romney and his advisors discuss an invitation to the Apollo Theater in Harlem.
Adviser 1: I don’t think it’s a good idea.
M. Rizzle: Why not?
Adviser 1: You won’t blend in.
M. Rizzle: I’ll win them over with my singing. After the speech, I sing “America the Beautiful.”
Silence.
Adviser 2: Let’s not do that at the Apollo.
M. Rizzle: Why not?
Originally published at www.EagleBreath.com. Fake Romney 2012 Campaign coverage, from the dais to the dog.
Adviser 1: It could be a little silent, or… I don’t know, worse.
M. Rizzle: You can’t disparage America the Beautiful!
Adviser 2: It’s…
Adviser 1: You could appeal to jobs. Many of them don’t have jobs.
M. Rizzle: Hey, there’s a good idea. Now you’re thinking positively!
Adviser 1: But, still. We would stick out. Heck, we’re ALL kind of pale.
Adviser 2: We do best when we blend in. Wear their clothes, take their positions, talk like them. But it’s a bit of reach to do that at the Apollo.
M. Rizzle: I’ll wear a Kangol hat.
Adviser 1: Well, I’d...
Adviser 2: There’s no avoiding the stark juxtaposition of a culturally stiff pale face, like me, with everything else in the room. It might make you nervous.
M. Rizzle: So what?!
Adviser 1: So… well, we don’t want to let out the laugh.
M. Rizzle: The laugh? Which… Mine?
Adviser 1: (nods)
M. Rizzle: What laugh?
Adviser 2: Brett Baier…
M. Rizzle: Br…! But… that’s human.
Adviser 1: (Nodding) Not the kind we’re looking for.
M. Rizzle: You’re saying I can’t get nervous? I can’t laugh?
Adviser 1: It would help the campaign. Help you become President.
M. Rizzle: By not laughing? How often?
Silence.
M. Rizzle: Wh… Never?!
Adviser 2: People are suffering. What’s there to smile about?
Adviser 1: No ad libbing either. Show you are serious. You care about them so much, you can’t bring yourself to laugh. Stick to business.
Adviser 2: Plus, laughing makes you seem rich and out of touch with all the suffering.
M. Rizzle: Enough! I’ve heard enough of you trying to dehumanize me. I am human. I can relate to other humans. I… am going to let it rip, gentleman. My girl said it best. I… am going to unzip myself. You remember that movie, Office Space? There was a scene where a girl in a fast food restaurant was ashamed to put on silly pins that demonstrate her personal ‘flair.’ Not me. I will not apologize, nor hide my personality. In direct contradiction of your advice, which postulates that I not smile for the entire campaign, I am going to crank up the flair! And… I am going to crank up the realness. The hair is coming down, yo.
(He raises his eyebrows, purses his lips and blows air into the pocket of air above his front teeth.)
Tell you what: You two, take a one day sabbatical. But before you go, get me a brother from the street, to give me some consulting. Guidance with regards to the street vernacular and milieu.
Adviser 1: Fehrn, you got that?
The Fehrn: I’ve got some other things to tie up. Why don’t you take that.
Originally published at www.EagleBreath.com. Fake Romney 2012 Campaign coverage, from the dais to the dog.