US: “Good morning, Mr. Romney. Have a seat. Mind if we call you Willard?”
MITT: “Uh, it’s Mitt.”
US: “Okay, Mitt. So, you want to be president? You know we already have one, don’t you?”
MITT: “Yeah, but he just wants to give free stuff to black people. What’s up with that? Besides, I’ve got experience as a CEO. And I’ve got nothing better to do for the next eight years.”
US: “Any experience running a country?”
MITT: “Well, No. But I can’t imagine it’s any different than running an equity capital firm.”
US: “How’s that?”
MITT: “Look, I’ve got um, investors. Like Sheldon Adelson and the Koch brothers and a bunch of other billionaires. They’re funding my buyout . . . uh, I mean campaign.”
US: “What’s in it for them?”
MITT: “Just the chance to make America a better place, a land where hard work, perseverance and ingenuity are rewarded.”
US: “Really?”
MITT: “Hah! What are you smoking? I’ll do what I’ve always done. Cut costs, outsource jobs and maximize the return for my investors by slashing their taxes.”
US: “What’s in it for us?”
MITT: “Why does it always have to be about you people? Why can’t it just be about me for a change?”
US: “Uh, do you have any references?”
MITT: “Well, there’s Clint Eastwood. And Donald Trump. Oh, and Newt Gingrich.”
US: “We checked with Newt Gingrich. He called you a liar.”
MITT: (Chuckles uncomfortably) “Newt’s a kidder. He’s just a little sore over some stuff I said about him earlier in the year.”
US: “Can you tell us a little about Bain Capital?”
MITT: “Bain is great. Built it all myself. I created lots and lots and lots of jobs.”
US: “How many jobs?”
MITT: “Hundreds. No, wait. Thousands. Millions? What do you want to hear? I don’t really know, but it was a lot. I can tell you that!”
US: “But wasn’t Bain involved in outsourcing jobs overseas?”
MITT: “Well I didn’t say I created the jobs HERE. (Chuckles). Besides, I wasn’t there.”
US: “You weren’t where?”
MITT: “At Bain.”
US: “But aren’t you taking credit for everything Bain did?”
MITT: “Yes, but not the blame. That wouldn’t be fair.”
US: “It says here you told the SEC that you were the CEO, Chairman and sole shareholder until 2002.”
MITT: “Let me see that. You got any Wite-Out?”
US: “Uh . . . .”
MITT: “Never mind. They’re just titles. I was retired.”
US: “When did you retire?”
MITT: “Just now.”
US: “But the outsourcing occurred back in 2000 or 2001.”
MITT: “Didn’t I just say I was retired?”
US: “Yeah, just now.”
MITT: “I didn’t mean JUST NOW. I meant just now, RETROACTIVELY.”
US: “Retroactive to when?”
MITT: “Whenever it was I would have had to retire to give me an alibi.”
US: “So what did you do after you ‘retired’ retroactively?”
MITT: “That’s easy. I saved the 2002 Winter Olympics.”
US: “All by yourself?”
MITT: “Damn right!”
US: “Didn’t the taxpayers chip in $1.3 billion?”
MITT: “I don’t get your point.”
US: “You didn’t build that.”
MITT: “I still don’t understand. But I’m offended.”
US: “Any other business experience?”
MITT: “I saved General Motors.”
US: “But I thought Obama bailed out General Motors?”
MITT: “Exactly. And I take a lot of the credit for that.”
US: “Didn’t you oppose the bailout and write that GM should be allowed to go bankrupt?”
MITT: “Exactly. All my idea.”
US: “Um, okay. Says here you were governor of Massachusetts.”
MITT: “Yeah, it’s getting late. We don’t need to talk about that.”
US: “Hmm. Forty-seventh in job creation . . . .”
MITT: “Uh, like I said, it’s getting late. Can we just wrap this up?”
US: “Hey, this is interesting. I see here you approved health care reform in Massachusetts. You signed an individual mandate into law, and now 98% of people in the state are insured.”
MITT: “I can’t talk about that.”
US: “Why not?”
MITT: “It gets Rush Limbaugh all red in the face, and he starts spitting. It’s not pretty.”
US: “Are you afraid of Rush Limbaugh?”
MITT: “No! Definitely not. Wait. You’re not going to tell him I said that, are you?”
US: “Your health care plan sounds a lot like Obamacare.”
MITT: “Does not. Obamacare is socialism! The individual mandate is tyranny!”
US: “Didn’t your plan have an individual mandate too?”
MITT: “That was different!”
US: “How so?”
MITT: “Duh. ROMNEYCARE. OBAMACARE. Totally different spellings. They don’t even rhyme.”
US: “Ever serve in the military?”
MITT: “No.”
US: “Didn’t you come of age during the Vietnam War?”
MITT: “Yeah. But I served my country by trying to convert French people to Mormonism.”
US: “Uh huh.”
MITT: “Somebody had to keep an eye on the French.”
US: “Ever think of enlisting?”
MITT: “Oh yeah, I longed in many respects to actually be in Vietnam and be representing our country there.”
US: “In what respects?”
MITT: “Well, definitely not in the respect that I actually wanted to crawl through the mud and get shot at. I mean, seriously. Can you see me doing that? But in other respects, for sure.”
US: “It says here you got four deferments from the draft.”
MITT: “Yeah, but in other respects . . . .”
US: “Any recent overseas experience?”
MITT: “As a matter of fact, I just got back from a whirlwind tour of England, Israel and Poland.”
US: “I think I read about that online. Didn’t the mayor of London call you a ‘wanker?’”
MITT: “What? Oh, no, I’m pretty sure he meant ‘banker.’ You know the Brits and their funny spellings.”
US: “So why should we give you the job of president?”
MITT: “Look, I know nobody likes me. I’m a rich, entitled snob. I’m out of touch. I’m a flip-flopper. But I’m an American through and through. And, I’m not Obama. He’s so, so, foreign. Make me president and the job creators will start creating jobs again.”
US: “Why would they do that?”
MITT: “Because they like me.”
US: “But you just said no one likes you.”
MITT: “That was a couple of minutes ago. You can’t hold me to that now.”
US: “Can we see your tax returns?”
MITT: “OBAMA DECLARED WAR ON RELIGION!”
US: “About those tax returns, we’ve got the one for 2010. Can we maybe get a couple more years? Obama gave us 12 years worth.”
MITT: “OBAMA’S TRYING TO STOP SOLDIERS FROM VOTING!”
US: “Were there any years when you paid zero taxes?”
MITT: “OBAMA’S GOING TO HAND OUT WELFARE CHECKS TO ANY BLACK PEOPLE WHO ASK FOR THEM!”
US: “You don’t really believe the crap you put in your campaign commercials, do you?”
MITT: “Well, I’m not familiar with precisely what I said, but I stand by what I said, whatever it was.”
US: “Okay, Mitt. Thanks for stopping by. We’ll let you know.”