Since we're apparently still faced with the dispiriting prospect of Brontosaurus romneii fumbling, stumbling, and bumbling his way to the GOP nomination, let's turn our attention to the vast (or "half-vast") field of veepasaur contenders. Rumors continue to emerge from the Tar Pits that our collective curiosity will soon be satisfied with a running mate announcement, if only as a temporary smokescreen to take attention away from the ongoing rope-a-dino-dope pummeling that our presumptuous presumptive nominee is suffering at the hands of Nevadasaurus harryreidii.
Spectulation abounds on Robasaurus portmanii, if only because his Paleo-Pedia page has been purged of all sorts of forensics-worthy fossil evidence. Hailing from the former inland seas of Ohio, R. portmanii came to the attention of paleo-politicians as budget director for witless Texasaur Georgeasaurus bushii "W". Given B. romneii's penchant for paleoreconstruction, and the whispered advice of Cheneysaurus dickii, this pick seems as obvious as an approaching meteorite.
Ayottesaurus kellii, hailing from the [take it for] Granite State brings little to the ticket, given B. romneii's affiliation (deleted e-mails notwithstanding] with the neighboring Bay State. True, A. kellii's a female, and sufficiently loyal and deferential so as not to elicit a jealous backlash from Dressageasaurus annii, but beyond that, one wonders what this pick would signal in GOPasaur ranks.
Behemasaurus christii has been surprisingly quiet of late, suggesting to some that he's working on a rousing acceptance speech that will eclipse his "absolutely-not-no-way-don't-ask-me-again" speech that crushed the hopes of Jerseysaurs everywhere. Hailing from the greasy shores of the Garden State, B. christii is clearly a survivor, although even the most primitive reptilian instincts are likely telling him to run, walk, or trudge away as fast as he can rather than aligning himself with soul-less cyborg B. romneii.
Louisianasaurus jindalii brings some Gulf Coast street cred to the ticket, that, along with his brownish coloration might fool some votersaurs into believing that those "boring white guy" rumours were just a diversionary tactic. As a governor, L. jinalii also shares B. romneii's image as an "outsidersaur" to the miasmic swamps of Washington.
Pawlentasaurus timmii, fallen from the ranks of paleocontenders for the top spot on the ticket, offers an amiable blandness and humanity to offset B. romneii's Freon-in-his-veins coldbloodedness. Unlikely to make waves or be found ensnarled in scandal, the inoffensive P. timmii meets the "boring white guy" threshhold criterion, but offers little in the way of "spark" to the campaign.
Carolinasaurus nikkihaleii, another female GOPasaur, hails from the South, a region likely even more suspicious of B. romneii's motives than other parts of the continent. C. nikkihaleii's conservative stances on social issues have helped to overcome her personal paleopeccadillos which might have made her an unlikely choice for a spot on the ticket.
Latinasaurus martinez would hit the Triassic Trifecta: female, Hispanic, and an "outsidersaur". Best of all, she switched from being a DEMasuar to a GOPasaur, which dovetails nicely with B. romneii's penchant for personal and political retroactive reinvention. While the New Mexico Basin and Range may not qualify as a swing state, this pick might energize fans of paleopandering.
Slashasaurus ryanii, who has already crafted B. romneii's budget plan for driving the middle class to extinction and enriching the One-Percentasaurs, hails from the Wisconsinan shores, where experiments in reverse wealth distribution are the stuff of [worst-case] legends. Young, energetic, and yes - a boring white guy, S. ryanii's affinity for budgeting would enable B. romneii to focus on other things... like managing his offshore investments.
Marcasaurus rubii has fallen from the first tier of Veepasaur contenders, in part because of his financial um... irregularities, to say nothing of his retroactively edited claims of provenance. Given his fiscal woes, perhaps a position of Secretary of the Treasury would be a better fit.
Condoleezasaurus riceii, another throwback to the Bushii Era, rounds out the female field of contenders. Like B. christii, this outwardly self-deprecating GOPasaur has said "never" just a few too many times to be believed. C. riceii would bring strong foreign policy street cred to the ticket, except for a few gaffes that even a thorough purge of Paleo-Pedia can't overcome.
Dark eohippus Petraeusaurus davidii, offered by the Drudgeasaurs, would also bring foreign policy street cred, while offsetting the "sat out the Vietnam war in France" chicken-hawk tag that B. romneii just can't shake. Still, one wonders why P. davidii would submit to the "leadership" of B. romneii, a man whose Paleo-Profiles in Cowardice are well documented in the fossil record.
Are there other Veepasaurs stumbling through the Mesozoic hinterlands? Please feel free to add them to our menagerie before the big announcement sends most of these creepy critters to a well-deserved extinction. Keep in mind that B. romneii himself may have little say in this crucial decision, since he's now a wholly-owned subsidiary of Casinosaurus adelsonii, who pulls all the strings, whether puppet or purse.