I'm sure y'all remember that movie from the 80s with Tom Hanks and Shelly Long. If not, you might remember Cary Grant's Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House (Which had 100% more Cary Grant and casual racism). Last night my thoughts were drifting...I'm not sure if I was thinking about the freakshow that is Romney or a funny line from the movie, but the things came together in my head and I realized, yes, Mitt Romney is the living embodiment of the house of horrors that exposed untold levels of rot within its four walls and the people inside.
Ah home crap home!
5. The Buyers Were Desperate
When our protagonists, Walter Fielding and Anna Crowley, are kicked out of their New York apartment because her ex-husband has returned to the states, they don't have much time to find a new place. They don't have a lot of options, either. Walter is struggling under a massive debt he inherited and he has "no money." She's recently divorced and the implication is that she doesn't really have any money, either. They were comfortably putting off the inevitable, but now they've been forced to do
something. They put feelers out for a place, but there's nothing, until one of Walter's friends points him in the direction of a house "out in the country."
They decide to take a train out to see the house in question. They're met by the current owner, Estelle, who is very excited to show them the house. She calmly keeps them away from the most obvious trouble spots, directing him to use the downstairs bathroom, and showing them all the room in low candlelight. She makes an obvious downside (the huge grounds and all the required upkeep) into a positive point, and distracts them all the while with the sob story of her husband's recent trouble with Israeli intelligence (he was Hitler's pool man).
Walter is a surprisingly naive, trusting man. It's not as though he doesn't know any con artists. His own father defrauded all his clients and absconded with a young, pretty thing to Rio...this relationship is so important to Walter's character that the movie opens with Walter Sr's wedding! He's clearly surrounded by shady characters in the New York entertainment industry, and yet, despite his previous familiarity, he is accepting and trusting of Estelle. Even his real estate agent "got off with a small fine" as opposed to going to jail like Anna assumed. He only hesitates for a moment before signing over thousands of dollars to shady plumbers and contractors. Even Anna seems to have more guile than he does...but that's only because at heart, he is a good person. "What are you paying them back for?" One manager demands. "They're used to people stealing from them!"
"Walter, it's a million dollar house. Literally!"
And though there are pretty obvious signs that he chose to ignore in his exuberance, he was trying to do the right thing by the woman he loves and the family he's building.
Still, being a good man doesn't save him from the indignities of owning the house he purchased in such haste.
It's similar to how Romney sold himself to Republicans in the primary. They were desperate--the inevitable now upon them. Mitt is the (250) million dollar candidate! Clearly he's the best because he looks the best. Perfect suit, perfect hair, perfect smile, perfect wife, perfect family. That sort of perfection doesn't come cheap, and the superficial qualities are both attractive but also, off putting.
4. Purchase in Haste, Repent at Leisure
"It's beautiful!"
"I know. There must be something wrong."
At first, the general GOP was as suspicious of Mitt Romney as Walter was of the beautiful but cheap house. They tried on several different options, having a little more time than Walter Fielding, but the price was wrong, the fit too restrictive, the crazy a little...too crazy. In every instance, the problems were pretty self-evident, pretty near the surface, but hey, when you're desperate, you're willing to make concessions for the greater good. Still...the things that made each candidate untenable never went away. By the end, people re-evaluated their estimation of "something must be wrong" just like by the end of the tour, Walter did his best to convince Anna that the house is necessary. "I need this house! We need this house!" For Walter, the house was the solution to all his troubles, the affordable answer to his most desperate prayers.
I've seen the same befuddled look on Mitt's face.
"The point is, you get to capitalize on another human being's misfortune. That's the basis of real estate. Deal?"
That was how the semi-crooked agent convinced Walter to view the house in the first place. Walter believed himself to be the one taking advantage, not the one that his buddy, and Estelle, were going to take advantage of. But he was the human being in misfortune...just like so many of the Republican faithful believe that they are the ones will benefit from CEO Romney in office. But as they get to know their purchase, it becomes more and more clear that "it's a lemon, honey!" That's obvious right after the purchase is complete...there's still time to back out...but no, they can't do that. They're stuck.
3. Things Start go Go Wrong Almost Immediately After the Papers are Signed
"You should see the...I guess the water. It's revolting!...I didn't expect that water. It had legs."
Things start to get ugly real fast. The doorbell shocks Walter...then the door refuses to open...then the door falls off. Theres a broken stair that he ineptly tries to fix...the closet rod crashes to the ground...there's a raccoon in the dumbwaiter...and then the entire staircase crashes to the ground, nearly killing Walter in the process. The mattress falls in the bedframe, revealing that the furniture Estelle "threw in" was nothing but worthless kindling. They sleep on the floor while the rain pours into their living room from a very leaky roof.
And that's all on the first day!
"Wood's rotten," the carpenter revealed. "It won't hold a screw."
The kitchen looks great...until the fuse shorts out and destroys the room and all the appliances. The yards look great...until Walter realizes that its full of mosquitos and even the trees are fake--real trees that have been shoved in the ground but haven't taken root.
The bathtub is a great place to relax after a hard day until it crashes through the floor (after you've fetched water from the pissing fountain, heated it on the stove, and carried it up a ladder...you're trying to make this work!).
Mitt could make it easier to carry his water
2. Everybody Who Isn't Desperate Finds the Situation Hilarious
"Hey buddy, did you really buy this house?"
"Yes I did!"
They walk away laughing at him...because who could be that stupid? Didn't they inspect the house before they purchased it? Didn't they consider their money and their investment? Don't they know how ridiculous the whole situation is?
I think I'm hallucinating. The Care Bears were here earlier
It's not that there are problems...it's the problems you never would have expected because what reasonable person thinks they'll get thick, brown sludge when they start the bath? Who thinks there's a raccoon nest in the dumbwaiter? The gas works in the kitchen, but all the wires will burn right through the wall. When the tub crashes, Walter laughs and laughs and laughs because what else can he do? When he looks at the estimate for the house, he drops his shoulders in exhaustion and warns Anna to get away from him, to "save yourself while there's still time." It's a money pit and he doesn't want to pull her down with him.
1.Things Go From Bad to Worse
"A little problem in the kitchen. Nothing trivial."
Libya? The leaked video tape? The problems they had in the kitchen just pointed to other, more serious underlying problems. They lacked proper wiring, so no power. No ability to cook for themselves. No running water or plumbing.
At least in the movie, he found some shady characters who will take his money and destroy his house in order to rebuild it. But that's because it was a Tom Hanks comedy, and if they didn't end up with a beautiful house and a wedding in the end, it wouldn't be a Hollywood movie. I don't think there's anybody who can come in with enough money to rip everything out, to replace everything, to eventually start his life anew.
"Everything looks pretty well under control."
"It does?"
"Not to the layman's eyes of course."
Soon the house is in complete disarray. Torn apart by the contractors, walls destroyed, piles of dirt around the door, debris, garbage, rubble. But it's still their only house. And they're still stuck with it. Where else are they going to go? What else are they going to do? Now we're in the homestretch of the Election and the GOP is looking at the bill of goods they bought...and what they see isn't under control. "Its swiss cheese with a door."
America's reaction to "they think they're entitled to food"
At one point, he drops a log in the fire place and it immediately crashes down, bringing the entire chimney with it. Walter watches it crash down, dirt and bricks flying, and finally he gets a face of soot. He calmly crawls back into bed, choosing to pretend that it never happened at all. What is the next disaster the GOP electorate will be expected to shrug off? What will Mitt fling in their faces next?
"Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house. And it killed him."
With only small edits, you can make that epigraph more appropriate for 2012. "Here lies the GOP. They nominated a candidate. And it killed them."