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Some of us have a complicated relationship with our expectations, both what we expect from others, and what we expect of ourselves. We may hold ourselves or others to impossible standards, and then kick ourselves when we [inevitably] fail to live up to this ideal.
Conversely, we may have been burned by disappointment when our own expectations weren't met so many times in the past that we refuse to believe they ever will be in the future, and so we stop having them.
This kind of thing is often rooted in childhood, where everything from our performance in school to our creative efforts to our behavior is examined and judged; for many of us, this feeling never quite goes away, particularly if we perform the kind of work that involves regular reviews or benchmarking or outside scrutiny.
Even the language so often used in such evaluations reflects the central role of expectations, good or bad, in such evaluations: "X did not meet expectations this term" or "X's performance met expectations but there is room for improvement." Then there's the double-whammy we experience when we let both ourselves and others down. I know from experience that folks prone to addiction are awfully quick to beat themselves up for real AND imagined failures.
We may encounter this feeling if we spend time with judgmental, self-involved, or unreliable folks, too. Expectations can be loaded things. We may feel betrayed by our own expectations of how others might treat us, meet our needs, or reciprocate when we extend offers of help, support, friendship, or advice. Let's face it: it kind of sucks when we hope for the best and receive the worst---or worse, when we are simply ignored or taken for granted.
Some people feel that if they let go of their expectations regarding others entirely, they will spare themselves disappointment if the others don't provide support or encouragement, fulfill promises, or respond in kind to gestures made. While this may be true (it's pretty natural to want to spare yourself disappointment!), it's also a good way to avoid making meaningful connections with other people, and that can do more harm than good in the long run.
If we accept that there's intrinsic value in putting your best self out there in the world, as best you can, and as often as you can, and holding out some hope that others might be doing the same thing, then all is not lost.
And if we accept that it's safe to expect some things---not impossible things, mind you, but some things---from ourselves and others, then we're managing our expectations in a way that is likely to do the least harm to us, and create room for others to return our actions in kind...creating a stronger network of support for any kind of challenge you may be facing.
A little note of thanks to Common Sense Mainer for tonight's topic.
We really are all in this together!
Who's Your Li'l Buddy?
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