TRANSCRIPT -- HOUR ELEVEN OF RAND PAUL’S FILIBUSTER OF ITUNES TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF USE
SENATOR PAUL (CONTINUED): …which brings us, finally to page 27, and the most intrusive and egregious encroachment on the rights and privileges of free Americans – besides Obamacare – yet rammed down our throats.
(Paul opens a leather-bound first-edition of “The Free Market and Its Enemies: Pseudo-Science, Socialism and Inflation” by Ludwig von Mises. He withdraws a photocopied piece of paper serving as a bookmark)
Quoting now from Apple’s iTunes Terms and Conditions of Use: ‘You also agree that you will not use these products for any purposes prohibited by United States law, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture, or production of nuclear, missile, or chemical and biological weapons.’
Notice what’s happening here.....
A private corporation, coincidentally filled with scrawny, homosexual contributors to the Democrat Party, is hiding behind a brick of bilious, job-killing, bureaucratic boilerplate crafted by fancy-pants Wall Street lawyers for the sole purpose of asphyxiating audacious, visionary, entrepreneurial job creators who – through their own native enterprise – may not only have designed, but – and these are the very words of the terms! – but manufactured! produced! lucrative, ultra-high-value products desired not just by Americans but by people the world over. We’re talking about potential sales of American-made goods to world leaders controlling trillion dollar budgets! Hamid Karzai! Bashar al-Assad! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad! Kim Jong-Frickin’-un! They’d LOVE to buy these products, and the money from these sales would flow into American coffers.
I mean, is this Democrat Administration so intent on affirming its Marxist agenda it refuses to even give lip service to spreading proud free-market capital-C Capitalism? Let the eagle fly!
SENATOR CRUZ: Would the Senator from Kentucky yield for a question?
SENATOR PAUL: I will not yield the floor, but I will yield for a question.
SENATOR CRUZ: Since my esteemed colleague Senator Rand Jefferson Smith Paul has ignited a brush-fire of liberty in the heartland of the American Twitterverse, would he consider joining me as my Vice-President on the 2016 Republican ticket?
SENATOR PAUL: With all due respect, I would remind my friend the esteemed Senator from Texas that since he was born in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, he is ineligible to become President and is therefore, I regret, counting his pinto beans before they are refried. But thank you. When I’m President, you will become my Secretary of Enterprise and Busting Unions.
(Paul reaches into his pocket for an “Ayn Rand Personal Will-To-Power Bar,” featuring a ‘Muscular Objectivist Blend of Soy Protein Isolate, Rational Self-Interest, High-Fructose Corn Syrup Solids, Productive Achievement and Fractionated Palm Kernel Oil.”
He rips off the wrapper and eats as he continues speaking.)
Somewhere in this great land of ours, there’s a young Thomas Edison, Walt Disney or John Galt who, after putting in an honest eight hour day modifying assault rifles to take extra-large Beta C-Mag dual-lobed drum magazines, goes home and then puts in another eight hours of scrupulous sweat equity in his picturesque garage workshop hacking iTunes and using the resultant code modifications to create innovative, next-generation trigger devices for suitcase-sized atomic fission weapons, or perhaps conjuring an elegant, untraceable evolution of the Bundibugyo ebolavirus.
Our young inventing genius – quite possibly with a skin pigmentation other than rose-petal white, most likely tending toward the lighter browns of a Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino rather than a Kenyan Dark Roast – deserves to benefit from the fruits of his labors by reaping the profits from said goods on the free, open market. Why, then, should he be subject to arrest? Or worse, kidnapped by jack-booted thugs rappelling from United Nations black helicopters, rendered to a FEMA camp in the hinterlands of Colorado and vaporized by rogue drone missiles like friends of relatives of conservative Internet chat room followers of constituents of mine have allegedly reportedly been?
SENATOR RUBIO: Would the esteemed Senator from Kentucky yield for a question?
SENATOR PAUL: I will not yield the floor, but I will yield for a question.
SENATOR RUBIO: Benghazi?!?
SENATOR PAUL: If only, Senator Rubio, IF ONLY the security forces at our embassy had enjoyed the benefit of our young man’s dynamism and productivity! President Rand Paul would not have hesitated a single second to deploy the inspired infernal device of our young do-it-yourself, wielding the frozen form of an ambitious living intelligence. It well might have saved lives, rather than emboldening our enemies because of our lefty-liberal, namby-pamby, every-kiddie-gets-a-trophy beansprout Bolshevik politically correct fecklessness.
Which brings me to my ultimate and definitive objection to these heinous terms and conditions of use.
Before I began this filibuster, I used my computer machine to visit donttreadonmestopthegungrabbers.com, where I chanced upon the words – the actual, original words, since concealed and then modified, in the dead of night, by faceless, liberty-hating liberal apparatchiks, of the Second Amendment of our beloved Bill of Rights. Here are those words as they were originally hand-written on December 15, 1791.
Paul pulls his briefcase up from the floor, opens it and pulls out a copy of “No Treason No. VI: The Constitution of No Authority” by Lysander Spooner. He opens it and pulls out a piece of paper.
“A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms – specifically including nuclear, missile, chemical and biological weapons as well as assault rifles, personal defense weapons, machine pistols and smaller flamethrowers -- shall not be infringed, no matter how gun-grabbing, latte-swilling, ivory-tower, never-met-a-payroll air-bag liberal socialist moonbats feel about it on any particular day.”
This was the version that originally resided in our National Archives until February of 2008, when…well, we all know what happened then. The point is, of course, that if I choose to purchase and install iTunes, and then use that code to arm my homemade Teller-Ulam-configuration thermonuclear device for home protection purposes, who is Barry Obambi or the late Steve Jobs or Hitlery Clinton or anyone else to tell me I can’t? It’s about freedom, my friends. Free-frickin’-dom.
Well, we’ve almost come to the end of our journey together. I ask you to Stand with Rand to fight for our freedom, even if you think it’s a lost cause. What was it that Senator Jefferson Smith said about lost causes? You fight for the lost causes harder than for any other. Yes, you even die for them. Or, at the very least, send others to die for them.
All that said, I’m going agree with the iTunes terms and agreements, because if I don’t, I’ll lose my Special Edition Platinum Collector’s Download of “If You Can’t Lick ‘Em, Lick ‘Em” by my personal guitar hero Ted Nugent, including 4 bonus tracks and an extended live jam.
With that, I yield the floor.