It's been almost two years since the first diary I ever wrote on DKos. In that time, things have changed for me - some for the better, some for the worse.
I still struggle with feeling successful, even in the wake of some of these changes, and I know that there are some very good things that I have had happen. But I can't help but feel a nagging sensation at the back of my mind that I'm digging myself deeper into a hole that I'm never going to get out of.
In the 18 months since my first diary, I've had a couple of very major changes.
One of these was that, contrary to every expectation I'd been led to believe, I got accepted to a Master's track program on an assistantship at the local university. Much of this came about as a direct result of working with the trombone professor at the university and the work that my big band had been doing. He stood up for me, and I got in.
I presently hold a 3.91 GPA, and am halfway through my expected track - if everything goes according to plan, I'll graduate with my Master's at the end of next year. This is very good.
However, not everything is rosy - and in fact, some of it looks disturbingly dark on the other end.
The climate for teaching in Michigan is growing darker by the day. Republicans continue to vociferously attack education, to the point where new teachers entering the workforce have no hope of ever acquiring a pension, school budgets are gutted to the point of being only able to barely function, school boards are threatening their teachers with appeals to the state for an emergency manager if teachers don't immediately accede to their demands for changes in contracts, and the rhetoric against teachers has grown so virulent that even mentioning that you're a teacher in a public forum gets you shouted down as a leech on society. This has me horrified at my job prospects once I graduate; I fully fear that when I graduate I'll be right back in the same situation I was in before I started my MM.
My parents, realizing my situation, graciously offered to help me with the costs of going back to college. While my assistantship covers the cost of tuition, it doesn't cover things like books and fees - and the stipend is so small that I'm only barely surviving on it. So this means that I'm adding to the debt that I've incurred, just not to a bank, but my parents, which in my mind, makes it all the worse.
My interactions with some of my professors have made me realize just how messed up I am socially. It got to the point where the Director of Bands (DoB) actually pulled me aside in her office to tactfully talk to me about how she was concerned that I am socially stunted somehow and how that was going to affect my ability to hold down a job later. She's tried to give me some things I can do to help, and I've tried to follow through on those things (with varying levels of success), but I'm afraid that it won't be enough when push comes to shove.
One of the discussions that was had with the DoB and I was where I'd like to be after I finish. My answer largely hinges on the state of the job market at the time I graduate, but in an ideal world, I'd like to go into teaching at the secondary level for about 5-10 years, then go back for my DMA. After completing my DMA, I'd like to try and find a collegiate gig somewhere where I could be either a DoB or assistant DoB. I have realized, however, that with my social skills in as poor shape as they are, my chances of ever reaching this plateau are slim, at best. This is an issue that I'm certain is a massive hurdle to my future success, not only to reach a collegiate post, but to merely hold down a secondary school posting.
All of this has really shaken my faith in whether I'll be able to succeed at all upon graduation. It makes me question the wisdom of leaving a full-time, reasonably secure (if dead-end) job for what some would probably tell me is merely a pipe dream.
I recognize that some of this is fear of the unknown, but at the same time, I can't just ignore it, either. The thing is, right now, I'm committed to this track, and until it completes, I can't really do anything more. I'm very, very afraid, and I don't know how to get past that fear long enough to succeed where I want to. I've become trapped in a mode of thinking where I choose the outcome I know, even if it's harmful, as opposed to the outcome I don't know, because I'm more afraid of the risk of what could happen.
It's a huge roadblock that I simply don't know how to get past. I'm so pathologically afraid of failure that I'm willing to take a sure thing that's harmful or neutral as opposed to a risk that could pay off big.
Of course, the MM degree is a huge risk, but I've rationalized that by saying that I can succeed in my classes (which I have).
It's everywhere else that I'm not sure about.
Am I afraid of success? Or is it something even more deep-seated? And then comes the bigger question: what do I do to get past this?