Last night, Bill Maher closed his show talking about America's image problem, and a simple way to fix it.
And finally, New Rule: It's one thing to be a country that refuses to pay its bills, it's another thing to dress like one. Just because you haven't seen your genitals in 20 years, doesn't mean we want to see them. When did America's new business casual become a pair of sandals and a sock on your dick? Maybe no one's bothered to bring this to your attention, people of America, so let me say it, plainly here and now: when you leave your house, we can see you!
Now, folks, I am not saying that dressing better is going to fix all that ails us, or patch up the economy, but I do think we have to try and recapture a sense of pride and common purpose. And the first step is, stop going to Target in pajama bottoms. I'm not asking us to cure cancer or wipe out child poverty. Just wear pants! Ones that have belt loops. Call me a dreamer, but I think we can pull this one off. Or up. It's like what Kennedy said about going to the Moon — "We do it not because it's easy; we do it because we don't want people to see our ass crack!"
You know, back in the 1990s, New York City tested an idea called the broken windows theory, which said in a nutsack, that if you fix the little things that make people feel like they're living in a dumpy neighborhood, the big things will follow. If you fix the broken windows and paint over the graffiti and pick up the trash, a psychological barrier is broken. New York basically said we're going to look good until we feel good. And it worked! Crime plummeted. And before you say, but Bill, this is about poverty, not fashion, no. No it's not. If you can afford pajama pants, you can afford pants! (audience applause)
They're sewn in the same Bangladesh firetrap out of the same human hair by the same children. Here are jeans for $10 bucks. And here are Target's $17 lounge pants collection, which as you can see, come in a choice of the Bud Light logo, the Duck Dynasty logo, and the ESPN logo, the holy trinity of slob wear.
No, this isn't about money. It's about pride. In the 1950s, a man put on a suit, a tie, and a hat just to masturbate. (audience laughter) And if a man wore a wife beater, it was because he was actually planning to beat his wife. My God, even the Elephant Man wore a suit!
Did it make him look hot? No, but he tried! He made an effort! These days, people wear shorts and flip-flops to church. I'm not even a Christian, and that offends me!
You know, there's a website called People of Walmart
And just looking at it for 5 minutes, two thoughts came to mind. One, will I ever get an erection again? (audience laughter) And two, what are other countries saying? I bet they're starting to whisper, "Have you noticed how America has let itself go? They used to always look so nice, and now, ehhh, it's just sad."
So I'm just saying to my fellow citizens, don't be a broken window. It can't just be a coincidence that when America had the respect of the entire world, the public sphere looked like this.
And now it looks like this.
We've gone from the shining city on the hill to the skidmarks in Aisle 3. It's not a look that says we're all in this together. It's a look that says we could all fit in these pants, but I'm wearing them all by myself. Because today is my wedding day.