If you're anything like me, you can't digest milk. But also, you watch a lot of television news, and if you do, you might have noticed, there's a question that is increasingly in the media's mind.
ERIN BURNETT (9/13/2013): Was this racist? An Alabama sorority accused of rejecting a candidate because she's black.
S.E. CUPP (4/19/2012): To smear an entire segment of the population ... are they racist?
LOU DOBBS GUEST (7/3/2013): Race, is race an issue here?
SEAN HANNITY (4/20/2011): Was that racist?
CHRIS CUOMO (7/16/2013): Was race a factor?
TOURE (7/14/2013): Are you racist?
BILL O'REILLY (6/18/2012): Am I a racist?
(audience laughter)
Never ask a question you don't know the answer to! But listen, this is the media, they're just asking, they don't know! Was everything happening racist? They're just passengers on this crazy bus called news! Well, fear not, for tonight we settle these vexing questions with our brand new segment, Racist Or Not Racist?
JON STEWART: With our own panel, Jessica Williams, Jason Jones, Aasif Mandvi! Thank you so much for joining us, guys. We are very excited about this segment. It's a beautiful segment, it's a big segment.
JESSICA WILLIAMS: OK, well first of all, that is one weak segment title.
JON STEWART: Do you have a better title?
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Yeah, of course I do!
JON STEWART: OK.
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Welcome to Straight Trippin' Or We Cool? (audience laughter)
JON STEWART: I don't... isn't that title racist?
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Oh yeah, definitely, but not if I say it.
JON STEWART: Oh, all right. Well, um, let's just go on to our first story if we can. We're going to start with... this is an easy one, if you want, easy one.
ALYSON BRUNER, WHSV (11/4/2013): Halloween is over, but the controversy surrounding a costume is continuing after a Craigsville boy dressed as member of the Ku Klux Klan.
(shocked audience response)
JON STEWART: OK, remember, we're starting slow. Panel, what do you think?
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Racist!
JASON JONES: I want to say adorable!
AASIF MANDVI: That is racist, Jones!
JASON JONES: What are you guys talking about? He looks like a pointy ghost!
JESSICA WILLIAMS: What?!
JASON JONES: OK, fine, racist. But adorable racist!
JON STEWART: All right, we're going to move on to a story slightly more difficult. This is difficult.
CHRIS CUOMO (11/12/2013): A white Republican from Texas came up with an unorthodox strategy to appeal to a mostly black Democratic voting district. He just simply implied that he was black as well.
JON STEWART: Ooh. White Republican, black voting district, implied that he was black. Racist/not racist?
AASIF MANDVI: Uh, I'm gonna need a little bit more info on this one, Jon.
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Yeah, like how did he imply that he was black?
JASON JONES: Hahaha, I know! Maybe he indicated he had a....
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Don't, don't, don't.
(howling audience laughter)
JASON JONES: You don't even know what I was going to say!
JESSICA WILLIAMS: But don't I, though? Don't I know what you were going to say?
JASON JONES: OK, fine, you probably do.
JON STEWART: You know, actually, I do think we have, if I may, we have a little bit more info. Here is one of the candidate Dave Wilson's radio ads.
DAVE WILSON RADIO AD:
BLACK WOMAN #1: Bruce Austin is killing the hopes and dreams of our children. ... I've had about enough of him! So what we gonna do?
BLACK WOMAN #2: I'm votin' for Dave Wilson!
JON STEWART: And here's Dave Wilson.
Panel?
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Racist. Smart, but racist.
JON STEWART: Jason Jones?
JASON JONES: I'm going to go with creative.
AASIF MANDVI: I think it's hilarious, but it's totally racist.
JASON JONES: OK, yeah, big surprise there.
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Excuse me?
JASON JONES: I... I... just... because... you know, you're....
JESSICA WILLIAMS: What? I'm what?
JASON JONES: No, no, no, it's cuz he's... he's got....
AASIF MANDVI: What? What am I?
JASON JONES: Because he's not.... All I'm saying it'd be nice if we could get some impartial judges in here! (audience oooohs)
JON STEWART: You know what, I think, let me just say this, no no no, you feel like you're not in the power position, I understand that. Let's get some other judges in here. I think that might help the situation.
JASON JONES: Oh, seriously? That would help me a lot.
JON STEWART: OK, let me please welcome Key & Peele. Key & Peele, can you guys come out here? (massive audience cheering as they enter) All right, I think we can do this now.
JASON JONES: Jon! They're not impartial!
KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: What are you talking about? We're both mixed race.
JORDAN PEELE: Yeah, it literally doesn't get any more impartial than that.
But c'mon! You're both... you're both....
KEY & PEELE: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
JORDAN PEELE: Racist!
KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: That's racist, right there! Racist!
JON STEWART: Can we just stay focused here? There's just a couple more here. We're just going to stay focused. This Washington Post columnist named Richard Cohen, who recently defended the Tea Party against charges of racism, by suggesting that the country is just changing faster than they can adapt, which he phrased thusly:
ALEX WAGNER (11/12/2013): "People with conventional views must repress a gag reflex when considering the mayor-elect of New York — a white man married to a black woman and with two biracial children."
JON STEWART: Gentlemen?
KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: That guy's straight up racist.
JORDAN PEELE: Oh yeah, he's a volcano of hate. Against white people.
JON STEWART: Wait, what?
KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: Oh yeah, he's giving white people no credit!
JORDAN PEELE: Yeah, basically he's saying, hey, you got to cut the Tea Party some slack 'cause they can't think straight, because they're trying too hard not to vomit when they see a black guy with a white girl.
KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: Or maybe two white girls.
JORDAN PEELE: Yeah, or three.
KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: Or, you know, like three white girls and an Asian.
JORDAN PEELE: Oh yeah, what's he doing? What's he doing in this scenario?
KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: He's just chillin'... at first!
JORDAN PEELE: Spell it out!
JON STEWART: Guys, guys! Listen, can we just... panel! Why is the guy chilling at first? Why is the Asian guy....? He's just chilling, checking the scene out.
KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: He's just checking the scene out.
JON STEWART: I understand what you're saying, plot what he's going to do.
KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: Yeah, where's he going to hit first?
JON STEWART: I understand that, that's very nice. That came very naturally to you guys, as you did fantasies, that's very nice. All right, let's just move on to our final example. Sarah Palin.
ENTIRE PANEL: Racist!!! (wild audience cheering and applause)
JON STEWART: No! Let me just go! Hold on! Hold on!! Just hold on a second! Let me show the clip!
11/12/2013:
JAKE TAPPER: you obviously feel very passionate about the national debt. The other day, you gave a speech in which you compared it to slavery.
SARAH PALIN: To slavery. Yes. ... There is another definition of slavery, and that is being beholden to some kind of master that is not of your choosing. And, yes, the national debt will be like slavery when the note comes due.
(audience laughter)
KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: OK, all right, spoke too soon. Not racist.
JORDAN PEELE: Yeah, yeah. That's just stupid.
JESSICA WILLIAMS: Super-stupid. Hella stupid!
AASIF MANDVI: Moronic!
JASON JONES: No, guys, no! Adorable!
JON STEWART: Thank you so much, everybody. Racist? Not a racist? We'll be right back after this. Very nice job, everybody.
than the new World Trade Center tower.
Then last night, Jon briefly touched upon Obama's press conference about the Obamacare website
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both talked about the amazing press conference Toronto mayor Rob Ford gave yesterday.
where he debunks stuff like a zombie apocalypse.
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for his racist column.
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on Thursday. Stephen had on the