Years ago, while in college, I drove a taxi in New York City and yes, I picked up anybody who hailed my cab. For the first four years or so, I drove nights; three in the afternoon to three in the morning, I was behind the wheel trying to earn a living.
One night I picked up a guy for a trip uptown from somewhere near the Village. I didn’t know it then, but later I figured that he might have been working on a routine for stand-up comedy. He started in by asking my opinion of the garbage collection in Manhattan.
As I had never given it much thought, I just offered a few non-opinions, but it was enough to get him started. His thesis was, he said, that a Chimp could do a better job collecting garbage than a human, and wouldn’t need to be paid as much as the union requires.
He gave me this ten-step method of garbage collection by a chimp:
1. Jump off the back of the truck
2. Walk to the curb
3. Pick up the garbage can
4. Carry it back to the truck
5. Tip it over and bang it against the rim of the truck’s receptacle
6. Straighten it up and carry it back to the curb
7. Bang it down on the sidewalk
8. Walk back to the truck
9. Jump on the back of the truck
10. Bang the side twice, to let the driver know he’s ready to move to the next garbage can
Now, the 113th do-nothing Congress approved funds for retired medical test chimps. Perhaps it’s time to propose this money-saving plan as a Federal Subsidy for our cities. Who knows? Replacing humans - people with families and real needs for money - with chimps who only need a place to poop, a few bananas a day, and a garbage truck to return to from the curb, might appeal to the Republicans. Do you think that John Boehner and Mitch McConnell can get together and convince the rest of Congress to enact this legislation? It will save amazing amounts of money.
Hey! It might even have saved Detroit from bankruptcy!