I will be 67 in May. When I retired in June I planned so that if I had no income I could go 15 months before I would be dipping in to prior savings. Because of consulting and the few months I spent teaching again, I actually would have been able to go even further before my wife's illness hit and I had to give up that job. And of course we will be looking at a chunk of medical bills not covered by insurance.
At this point we are reasonably confident she will be able to return to work fulltime relatively soon, and colleagues have donated enough leave that she will going forward probably be fully paid.
I however am a different story. It would be hard enough for me to find another teaching job with either of my two barriers - 1) my age; 2) how much I was previously making. Even though I am willing to work for far less that I made as an experienced teacher in a public setting, some school systems will not hire someone with more than ten years experience, independent schools are reluctant to hire someone who has not taught in an independent school - you get the picture.
Meanwhile, while I used to have superb computer skills, those are now obsolete. As for politics or government jobs, it would mean giving up my independent voice the moment I went to work for a political figure, and many friends have urged me not to do that, even as they understand that if I want to keep my independent voice and perspective I am limited in how much I might be able to make from my writing. Here I have been luckier than many, in that I have on occasion been paid to write for online sites - usually but not always on education.
So I face a bit of a conundrum.
Let me share some of my thinking below the cheese-doodle.
I strongly believe that it is important I continue to write. One result of the writing I have done about my wife - where the posts here have been turned into emails with her real name instead of Leaves on the Current for several lists (her church, for example) and groups of family and friends who would prefer not having to go to a political site, especially a liberal political site, to keep up with what is happening with her. Yesterday Leaves was in her church for the first time in several months, singing in the choir as is her normal practice. People were so glad to see her, told her how well she was doing. They also told her, and some told me, how much they appreciate the writing I have been doing. Some offered praise for what I had written, which put me in a bit of an awkward position, because as socially awkward as I am I have never known how to handle being praised, even as a shy and very insecure person it means a lot to me.
On Saturday I went to Maryland's Boys 4A state basketball championship. My former school, Eleanor Roosevelt High School, won the the title, never trailing in the championship game. Several of my former students played in the game. Of greater importance to me is how many of the students there took the time to greet me, some even asking how my wife was doing, because they follow me on twitter, read me here, or once they are no longer my students I will Friend them on Facebook.
I have spent a lot of time in reflection recently. Often I have not had a choice - I think I am going to lie back on the sofa and read something, a book or on my computer, and our largest cat will pick that moment to drape himself across my chest so that I cannot see without dislodging him which I will not do. Unable to do anything else, I will let go and quiet my mind and reflect.
Or perhaps I will fill the tub with warm water and bath salts and simply soak for an hour. I may drift off to sleep, or I may sip a glass of wine or of scotch. In any case, as my body relaxes with the bath my mind slows down, I begin to watch my breathing, to feel my heart beat more slowly . . . in these varied moments I begin to get glimpses of understanding of what may come next.
May. Nothing is yet written. Nothing is carved in stone.
It is clear to me that I must write, whether I return to the role of classroom teacher or not. It is in part how I engage with the world, it is how I connect beyond my shyness and social awkwardness.
It is also clear that whatever I do I must maintain enough time and energy to continue to build the relationship with Leaves on the Current. As much as we love one another, there was a period last summer where our relationship was not as it should have been. I was too impatient, I was too locked in myself . . . things that had contributed to my decision to take the buyout and retire.
I know that if the only issue is SOME money to make up for the loss of buying power as a result of retirement, I can substitute several days a week, I could work in a bookstore, hell, I could probably become the oldest barista at my local Starbucks.
Alternatively, once the cancer is in remission, it might be possible for us to make even more modifications to our lifestyle so that I would not need as much additional income.
Leaves needs me around. I have to take care of my own health. Thus today I made her an offer she cannot refuse, which I hope I can fulfill. So long as she will not give up fighting her cancer, I will, after consuming what is left in the house, give up meat, beer and ice cream. That will make my physician very happy, given my high cholesterol. I will probably also finally be able to shed at least some of the 15-20 extra pounds I am carrying.
I am also going to embark on another exploration - how to be more mindful in how I live. I have always been somewhat reflective, but often after the fact.
I have an awareness of the importance of mindfulness in different traditions. Certainly it exists within Christianity, in the Rule of St. Benedict, in the example of Brother Lawrence of the Resurrection, in the practice of true simplicity among those in the Religious Society of Friends. It is also a part of Eastern traditions, and I have read much of the work of the likes of Thich Nhat Hanh, and on occasion even practiced walking meditation. I may do some formal training, or attend retreats to get myself more centered, or rather, return to the kind of centering I have experienced in the past - when one spends a month among the monks of Mount Athos one does learn to let go.
I will also return to something else - music. Somehow even if resources are tight I will spend money to fix up and tune the piano. Perhaps the most connected I am with my inner self is when I am at the keyboard, especially when I play Bach. And we will somehow get back to a stereo with a working turntable: there is too much music that matters to me, I am not going to reproduce it all by purchasing CDs or MP3 files when I have it on vinyl.
Food.
Focus.
Music.
Continuing to write.
Serving in some sort of teaching capacity.
Perhaps making some money, perhaps downsizing our lifestyle to fit within the income we have without my bringing in more.
Yes, the future is uncertain.
I can consider possibilities, but I really cannot plan, not with specifics.
Perhaps that should scare me.
Is it surprising that I find it liberating? There are possibilities, there are multiple paths I can explore.
All of this is within a context I am still getting used to.
It is this - my first responsibility is to Leaves. That outweighs anything and everything else. That meant I left a teaching job. It may mean I do not get another.
I will not for a moment regret it, because I am learning how to love.
In the process I may finally learn to love and accept myself.
Now that would be an accomplishment of which I could not have conceived a year ago.
I am incredibly fortunate, and blessed.
Peace.