Two weeks ago, Bill Maher closed his show by lamenting how political everything in our lives has become.
And finally, New Rule:
If seeing this nice lady on TV saying she likes the movies or nutrition or exercise fills you with rage, get help. (audience applause)
The appropriate response to seeing Michelle Obama on TV isn't, "WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?!? Being on TV is for people who have done something with their lives, like Ice Road Truckers or the Amish Mafia or Swamp People. You think because your husband is the leader of the free world, it makes you all that? Come back when he runs a pawn shop!"
But look, I'm not here to talk about the First Lady. I'm trying to get to a bigger point. And that is, since when does everything in America have to be political? It's exhausting!
Eating a corn dog used to be just a guilty pleasure. Now it's a blow for freedom against the radical Obama nutrition agenda. "I will exercise my God-given right to pump our children full of salt and corn syrup until we can't even tell which part to put the sneakers on!" (audience applause)
Not everything has to be seen through the lens of politics. If you hate Obamacare, you eat at Papa John's. If you hate gay marriage, you love Chick-Fil-A. Big portions, conservative. Knowing where your food comes from, liberal. (audience applause)
It's exhausting! You know that at Whole Foods, they have a note on the ground beef that says, "This cow raised 20 miles from here." So? You're eating it, not going to its high school reunion. (audience laughter)
Even what beer you drink, a new study says, has become political. Conservatives like all-American beers like Bud and Miller that are easy to spell. Or Busch, with its patriotic eagle logo.
While liberals prefer imported beers from Europe — socialism in a bottle.
And also, liberals love St. Pauli Girl, who clearly engages in high risk sexual behavior. And expects the government to pay for her birth control.
But in fact, it's not just beer. It's all through the supermarket. Liberals like to try new brands; conservatives stick to the tried and true. Like Tide detergent, because their mom used it. Or Uncle Ben, because then they can say they had a black man for dinner. (audience laughter)
I'm just asking, how is it that a nation that was never even interested in politics that much has now made everything political? "I believe in science" didn't use to be fighting words! (audience cheering and applause)
Climate scientists weren't suspected of being scheming hoaxers, and gynecologists of being a bunch of liberal agenda activists. There were things we simply didn't use to pick sides on. Like, getting raped is bad. That didn't use to come up in debates. Neither did the weather. Everybody was anti-hurricane.
You know, back in 2004, Barack Obama told the Democratic Convention that "there was not a liberal America, or a conservative America, there was the United States of America". And everyone wiped away a tear and said, "God, that Will Smith is good." But boy, that's some bullshit right there.
Walter Cronkite used to end his broadcast every night with "And that's the way it is." Because back then, we all at least agreed on what was reality. Not now. There's Fox for conservatives, MSNBC for liberals, and CNN for airports.
And get this. A poll last month found that Fox News is both the least trusted news station in America, and the most trusted. And that's a problem. Because as Lincoln once said, "A government cannot endure half-slave and half-wit."