Moments
There are moments when I forget that you are gone.
I reach for the phone to share a thought,
only to remember.
You are not here.
It's been one year.
Times of grief, anger, sadness
fill my heart and soul. Still.
Seeking answers, finding none.
I ache to speak to you,
unfettered by their terms,
to ask and maybe understand why.
Can you explain, could you explain.
I see others starting anew.
It is not without pain that I view their new paths.
Wishing I could share in their hope.
But dreams are lost.
Shaken to my core
With emotions so raw.
And grief that dwells within my soul. Still.
This depth of despair never ends.
Always in the back of my mind
Treading lightly.
Till it rises forth, peaks and roars.
Hear me, it screams
You are not here!
Again, and again, and again.
Maybe you never were.
Silence broken by cries.
I am drained once more.
Pleading for peace and light of heart.
Moment to moment
I make it through my day.
It's all I ask, to make it one more day.
By Mollywog
To commemorate the approaching one year anniversary of my son's arrest. 5/13/13
More below the squiggly -
For background history on my son's arrest and its effect on family members, please read here - [http://www.dailykos.com/...]
I've learned a great deal over the past year, about our penal and judicial system at the county and state levels. It's knowledge I never thought I'd acquire and I'm still learning and still trying to make sense of it all.
My concern in my last diary was mostly how a loved one's arrest and incarceration affects family members and the lack of resources for 'those left behind'. While this diary will address some of those same issues, I am also including information that has enabled me this past year to help my son. I'm hoping by sharing my story that the ideas and links I provide will reach others in the same situation as my family. I know from the support and comments on my last effort, there are numerous Kos members that are, unfortunately, dealing with a family member's incarceration.
So, here we go -
The first topic that garners the most attention from me is the availability of, or lack of, books in prisons. I am a book lover, my kids were exposed to books at a very young age and I have continued my love affair with books with my grandchildren. I was aghast to learn that the county jail where my son was incarcerated for almost eight months during his trial stage had no library, no books available for the inmates to help pass the time, to expand their education and in all too many cases, to practice their reading skills. Most prisons do not allow family members to ship books directly. For those families that can afford to order books via retail online outlets such as Amazon or Barnes & Noble, there is that option. However, for the majority of inmates, books are a luxury.
Statistics show that the majority of inmates in state prisons and county jails do not have their high school diplomas.
Men make up 90 percent of the prison and local jail population, and they have an imprisonment rate 14 times higher than the rate for women.2 And these men are overwhelmingly young: Incarceration rates are highest for those in their 20s and early 30s. Prisoners also tend to be less educated: The average state prisoner has a 10th grade education, and about 70 percent have not completed high school.3
Source: [
http://www.prb.org/...]
For an economic look at how a lack of education affects ex-inmates and their families, please click here, warning, actual report is a PDF.
Source: [http://www.pewtrusts.org/...]
The report examines the impact of incarceration on the economic opportunity and mobility of former inmates and their families. In addition, Collateral Costs examines the prison population by race/ethnicity and educational levels. It finds that incarceration reduces former inmates’ earnings by 40 percent and limits their future economic mobility and that one in every 28 children in America has a parent behind bars, up from one in 125 just 25 years ago. The report’s findings are based on research by Professor Bruce Western of Harvard University and Professor Becky Pettit of the University of Washington.
Thankfully there are many books to prison programs that attempt to fill the needs and requests of inmates nationwide. But, lack of funding is always a concern and many rely on donations from private parties.
The Prison Book Program Lucy Parsons Center & Bookstore located in Quincy, MA is the program I am most familiar with. [www.prisonbookprogram.org] I initially contacted them when my son was first incarcerated last May and was able to print out a book request based on my son's interests. Unfortunately, their waiting list is six months or longer and my son never received any reading material. (His current prison has a library, thankfully!) They do offer a very helpful guide, National Prisoner Resource List (NPRL) that is free for prisoners and their families. You can download it and send to your loved one or request that one be sent to them. Their web site also lists many other books to prison programs based on location.
They are currently holding a fundraiser drive for dictionary purchases.
From their donation request letter:
Written by Ruben, serving time in AZ, "You cannot checkout a dictionary out of the prison library. A lot of reading, writing and studying is done during lock-down time and in the inmates living area."
About 1 out of every 3 people who write to us asks us for a dictionary.
If you can, consider donating for this worthy cause.
Another problem I've been trying to find a solution to is visitation. My son is serving his time in a prison almost 8 hours from our home. It is costly and timely to visit him. I try to make it every 3 or 4 months but he craves outside contact. On this front I've been less successful. In my last diary several commenters suggested I contact American Friends Service Committee (AFSC). I emailed an office close to my son's prison and was notified that they unfortunately do not provide prison visitation services anymore. They did, however, provide another option which led me to Prisoner Visitation and Support. [http://www.prisonervisitation.org/ This volunteer organization visits prisoners in federal or military prisons nationwide. This doesn't help my son but hopefully someone reading this will be able to use this information. So, I'm still trying to find an outside contact for him if even for visitation once every other month or so.
And finally, support for family or those left behind. Many Kossacks suggested Prison Talk for online support. I do read them periodically but the prison thread that involves me is very, very slow. I think the last comment was back in Feb. And I don't like the fact that the general public can read comments without joining the group.
I have found two groups locally though, I just have to work up the nerve to attend a meeting. I also have a contact at a local college who has worked with prisoners during incarceration and re-entry that has offered to meet with me. So several avenues to research yet and make the time to act.
In closing, this year has been one of anger, sadness, a lot of grieving, growth (?), worry, much, much, much worrying, it's what moms do best. My son's wife has filed papers for divorce and is changing their daughter's name to her maiden name. That has brought emotional turmoil front and center again. He is going to send me copies of the divorce papers and I'm looking into any legal recourse he has to prevent the name change. Not to mention ongoing credit card bills that are now in debt collectors hands, preparing a house we were renting to them for sale, and a hundred and one other life details that you don't think about until it lands in your lap.
All of this pales in comparison to what my son has missed and continues to miss in day to day living and I'm not so sure I can ever forgive him this.