I'm drowning in my own skin.
Between the stress and the allergen nightmare, I've put on 45 lbs in 7 months, (a good chunk of that from the antipsychotics) become hypertensive and have a cholesterol level of 348. My nose and throat membranes are so inflamed the doctor was shocked and immediately prescribed Advair, a rescue inhaler and a special prescription only antihistamine. $133.51 at the sliding scale clinic because of the Advair. But I can't get them, because my parents insist I'm just making it all up.
This is what it's like to live with Teabaggers.
More below the dooblydoo.
See, I'm the designated "healthy" child in a family of four. My brother is not only the baby of the family, but a type 1 diabetic on insulin since infancy. So I became the Healthy Child - the one who didn't need anything other than to shut up and stop bothering them.
Despite all the "We want you to get better," bullshit - and that's exactly what it is - I'm just faking being sick to live here and take their money and screwing up getting on Medicaid and SSDI. Because everyone knows it's super easy under the mooslim black guy - and why would I want to be on my own where I've been the last 28 years in my own home? "You must be just fucking it up on purpose." Yeah, Mum said that.
I was "tested" for Autism at 3 - but since I wasn't screaming or drooling and could talk in 1972 - supposedly I would just "grow out of it." That was when I was still an only child and not invisible. Now Mum insists is was my brother who was tested for Autism - but he wasn't born yet when we lived there. My history was transferred to the Sick One in her mind.
I had a series of allergy panels at age 4 and I'm pretty much allergic to everything on earth to some degree. But it's not serious and has no effect on my health because - Healthy Child. So I just went through the world in a snotty itchy fog until I discovered that they actually make medication for that as an adult and was prescribed some that worked - as long as I had insurance. I wheezed all through childhood and I just needed to "breathe right and stop being annoying."
When I had TB at age 7 - I was just "exposed to it" - but the Army required me to take medication to treat TB for over a year and did chest x-rays on me every move. I've had them done as an adult too and you can see plainly the damage done by the TB. Doctors go, "Hey, freaking TB!" because - TB.
Just months ago I had lung capacity tests to determine the loss of function - but hey, 20% isn't really enough to count, so Not Sick.
I've got a psychiatrist who has put me on antipsychotics because I have schizophrenia - but "You're just faking it for attention and you don't want to work."
My Mum is a vicious cruel little woman. When I told her yesterday what the doctor said and that they had sent all my scripts but one to the Clinic pharmacy because it's the lowest cost - her ONLY concern was that I might have actually told the doctor how many cats we have - and they might send someone to investigate. Screw I could die - the county might find out about the cats.
Today she insists that I'm "faking" and that the doctor didn't really prescribe any of it - and that we MUST be able to get it cheaper at VoldeMart. I told her yesterday that there was only the one I picked up that was on the VoldeMart cheap formulary - and I already got it. Today - erased. Because she needs to lash out at someone for whatever is actually bothering her - and I'm it.
I've been told to pack my shit and get out for being ungrateful. (I'm not packing.)
I'm "blaming" ColCatLady for being sick and everyone is dying, so STFU. (I said I need the meds because I know he doesn't want to git rid of the cats.)
I'm just "thinking" myself sick, because I'm a lazy taker.
Mental illness isn't real - it's normal to hear voices.
Allergy medicine hasn't changed since the early 1950s when ColCatLady had allergy shots.
I'm being "secretive" if I don't give my Mum every single detail of my private medical and therapy visits. All details given to her are mentally erased - or transferred to my Poor Brother who is the Sick Child.
I'm lying if I don't have the doctor tell them it's cheaper at the clinic pharmacy - but they only have these kinds of meltdowns in the evenings on weekends - so no one can be contacted.
The fact that I was pissed off at her 25 years ago for screaming at me on the way to the bus station was again brought up - but her dumping me and my luggage in the middle of the street was a perfectly reasonable reaction by her. And "it still hurts me now," (that you said a mean word to me then) is somehow an excuse to blame me for needing medication NOW because they have 13 indoor cats. I have apologized at least 50 times in the intervening 25 years for the "mean words" - but that doesn't matter of course.
I'm really fucking tired. It's hard to breathe. And I have no way to get the hell out - my original fear of coming here.
Sucks to be me.