I'm writing to write. There may be politics here, but it's incidental.
I started a garden months ago. The major bumper crop is tomatoes. Mostly roma, but there are some pink lady and hopefully some brandywine. It's been dry, and I've been less than diligent in watering. It's hard to get out of the house. It's even harder now. One week ago, I was let go, an effort my employers have been pursuing in earnest since, if the list of my rather vague sins is any indication, since 2011.
I try to put in applications, but I've only managed two. I've spent the last two days sick, achy and having a hard time telling if I'm hungry or thirsty, having trouble sleeping. I only have an associates degree, and don't have the money or will to get more. I have no job skills, no certification or abilities beyond that associates. I have no passion, no drive, no dream to strive for beyond being left alone, and even that isn't something I can truly achieve. Beyond perhaps gaining a part time job at minimum wage, continuing to live in my parent's house, I have nothing to look forward to.
I've fought for years. I've lost battles. I've won battles, but I've kept fighting. I just want to know when I can stop. When it's finally allowed for me to lay down my arms and accept the inevitable. I can't win. I don't have the strength. I can keep struggling, but it'd only end in more pain, more despair, more disappointment, more loss.
When is it okay to surrender?
EDIT: Had another shot of bourbon. Went to bed. Woke up. Try to get through another day. Least I have an appointment with the counselor instead of shouting in the dark.