For years, I've been trying to come up with a new word. Often,I've come close, only to find that someone has beaten me to it and, worse, written something far better using the word than I could have done. This is frustrating to a sensitive soul, especially one who prides himself on nailing something as ephemeral as a word to a specific definition to which no single word has been nailed before. I recall my rapture on believing I had coined the word “corpocracy” to describe a system wherein all benefits of government had been put together of, by and for corporations rather than individuals. Sadly, although the definition of such a system could easily be applied to our own, the word had not only already been coined, but minted and circulated.
The saga continues after the break:
My next try was a medical procedure I called a transsphenoidal hemorrhoidectomy, defined as removal of the patient's hemorrhoids through the nose, assuming his or her head was located in the nether regions. I reasoned it would quickly become the procedure of choice in Washington, D.C., but unfortunately it was doomed to failure since most people in Washington couldn't even find their nether regions if they were near a hole in the ground. I had therefore just about given up my quest when lo, I encountered Ted Cruz and the national version of gas warfare.
Before his Great Texas Marathon, I had regarded Mr. Cruz the same way I had regarded many other Texas politicians. As a matter of fact, not a few of them had been involuntary candidates for Transsphednoidal Hemorroidectomies. But Cruz suddenly sprang into a different league. For more than twenty-one hours, he had held the Texas senate captive to his compelling rhetoric, including excerpts from Dr. Seuss and other grade-appropriate selections. Surely, nothing less than a new word would be suitable for such a verbal achievement, not only for sheer volume, but for its incredibly deep content. According to the Senator, providing health care for the uninsured and infringing on the rights of insurance companies to get rid of people who get too inconveniently sick is tantamount to handing your house keys to President Obama, signing a power of attorney over to Eric Holder and setting fire to the Constitution. This document, which established our government, must be responsible for the holy mess we're in, so the remedy has to be getting rid of government in the name of protecting the Constitution. America on Cruz Control.
Which brings me to the matter of gratitude. Until Senator Cruz, enemies of the type of magic thinking espoused by the Bachman-Palin Charm School used terms like “idiot,” “moron” or “gasbag” when describing its pronouncements. This wasn't enough in many cases, so qualifiers like “total,” “complete” or “all-round” were needed to eliminate the existence of the faintest shred of logic. The downside of this was the creation of phrases like "a total, complete, all-round idiotic, moronic gasbag," which took up an awful lot of room. What was needed for Mr. Cruz was a term that said it all in one word. A word that left no room for coherence, cohesion or compromise but applauded combativeness, confrontation and castigation. An all-or-nothing word that said it all.
Asswhole.
Thank you, Senator.