I made a comment in Boise Blue's diary "I Love Men. And Women" and was encouraged to turn it into a diary so here 'tis.
Like so many of us here, male and female, I've struggled with how to respond to the events of the last week. The misogyny that led to the murders and worse, the misogyny that surfaced as women shared the reality of the fears we've faced in our lives.
There has been some good discussion and some not so good discussion. We have a long way to go. These discussions, the good and the bad, are the other side of the same coin that those of us who are people of color have tried to explain.
BB said many things in her diary but I'll quote this:
I still love men, though. I suppose I'm fortunate to have inside knowledge about both sexes. My good male friends talk to me openly. We share a lot of details with each other.
It was this that led to my comment. The portions in italic are my original comment. I've since added other thoughts.
I'm a woman. I'm a black woman. I'm married to a white man. I'm mother to a biracial man. I'm mother to a biracial gay man. I think I have the intersectionality bases covered.
I hate sexism . I hate racism. I hate homophobia.
None of us can ever experience everyone else's reality. I will never know what it's like to be my son. I love him. We had absolutely no issue when he came out to us. He was the same amazing boy he'd always been. I would lay down my life for him. But I will never ever know what it's like to be a gay man of color. Never. So I listen.
I want people who may be disproportionately white and male (eg this site) to understand that our societal construct does give you benefits. No you didn't ask for them. No you may not use them or think you use them but they exist. Yes I'm talking about the other "P" word. Privilege. If there's something that I hope has gotten through to some from the discussions after Isla Vista, it's that we're talking about two sides of the same coin.
In some of the diaries I've read, it's been the same folks who bristle at the reality of white privilege who balk at discussions of male privilege. Others have understood the latter seemingly more easily than the former. That's more perplexing to me.
It's taken my husband 23 years being married to me and 21 years being father to a non-white son to really get this and to fully understand that his experience as a white male in America is different from ours. He's learned because he's lived those "20/20" and "What Would You Do" segments for half of his life now. Different treatment in stores, banks, buying cars, homes.
It took him about 5 minutes to realize we were treated differently but it took years for him to really digest it. He could process it intellectually but I think he still tried to will it not to be. I don't think he really got it until our son started becoming independent and doing things on his own with friends and I would always have to remind him of things. "He's just going to the game/ movies / mall / etc" . Yep. And he the only one who had his backpack searched, or was asked questions by store personnel or treated by some parents like an oddity because he was an A student. Even then he would think of things as individual incidents and not part of an overall reality with which I was familiar and which was our son's. He would offer all kinds of reasons which I knew made sense to him but he wasn't really listening to a reality he couldn't fully share.
Obviously not everyone will have first hand experience of having to see society through a different lens. I'm not advocating that everyone run out get interracially married and have a gay child so you can understand.
But we do have a whole bunch of women, people of color etc. here who live some combination of this. We shouldn't have to prove the existence of painful experiences to be heard. The reason that something like the #yesallwomen hashtag took off like it did was because it instantly tied the experiences of so many women together. And yet some were quick to dismiss us. The reason why something like Black Kos exists is similar. And yet some would see it gone. In any discussion of white privilege, well you've seen what happens.
So,
I am asking that when those of us who aren't white, male, straight, tell you our experiences people listen and hear.
And for those of you who are listening and hearing, thanks.