When I first got on Daily Kos I had no experience with the kind of public debate that happens here. I had been reading DK for almost a year and was used to seeing other people argue back and forth or deliver witty snark, but the bulk of my online time until that point had been spent in BBS forums and dealing in a world that was a lot more shadowy and with very different social norms and expectations. I didn't really know what I was doing, so when I created my account I was a little wary of the comments section.
That didn't last long, of course, and before I knew it I was dropping comments left and right. it was an exciting time, like driving a fancy new car, thrilling to be in control of a message and to engage and argue over issues I thought were important. Still, I was a true n00b and had no realistic perspective. I also didn't think much before I wrote or consider how my words and tone would read and sound inside of someone else's head.
Eventually (possibly inevitably) I let my opinions get the better of me and made an asshole of myself by writing a dickish response to someone I didn't know. Worse than that, I was wrong, really wrong, and had allowed my emotions to trump common sense. I had jumped on a bandwagon de jour and allowed myself to be carried away in a direction I had neither truly considered nor ultimately wanted to travel. I know I believed what I wrote at the time because as I re-read it I can remember the emotion. No matter, it was a bad position and a knee-jerk (emphasis on jerk) response and worst of all, I didn't apologize for it. I thought I was right and I simply let it go. It's a little late, but sorry for being a jerk to you in 2006 ManFromMiddletown. Hope you can forgive me! ;)
And while I didn't apologize because I was probably in shock at getting hydrated and totally embarrassed and pissed off, I do remember thinking I needed to reassess how I approached comments and that I needed to make an effort to think before I wrote. Since that time I have been largely successful in reigning in my cut-throat instincts when dealing with disagreements or contentious issues. I know I have made a few mistakes, we all do. And there have been a handful of times, I will admit, that I was deliberate in my assholoery and made a conscious decision to be hostile to someone, but that's not something I am apologizing for. What I have worked hard to do, and been mostly successful in applying, is accept responsibility for my actions when in the wrong. It hasn't always happened instantly, and a few times I've stumbled out of the gate, but for the most part I have been successful in implementing the following steps when I was B A D in comments:
1) Taking ownership of behavior, attitude tone and words in comments
2) Admitting when off base, inappropriate or wrong without qualification or excuse.
3) Accepting criticism without digging in deeper or trying to save face (which never works)
4) Offering a sincere and unequivocal apology when due.
5) Trying to make peace if possible and accepting when it isn't.
If for whatever reason you are now thinking "Why bother?" my answer would be "Because it serves our purpose here better." Treating one another with respect
is especially important when we disagree because otherwise
there is no discussion. It becomes a one way street as one party bows out or a two way street of cars throwing eggs at one another as they pass. It also inflames others and generally disrupts any hope of forward momentum. I can go to my Redstate troll account for that (and I do!). Here at Daily Kos we strive for real community where open and honest debate is encouraged and points of view have the chance to be heard, however much they differ from our own.
Now, there are some people who are jerks because they seemingly have no insight into their own delivery or they have a personality disorder that makes their ideas and opinions more important than those of others. Some people are just jerks. Or, maybe they think DBAD is a direct challenge to be proven wrong. Who knows? What I do know is that I can be responsible for my own behavior in comments and be respectful toward others even when the issue is contentious or I strongly disagree. I am in control of that and I would like to think it helps me be a better contributor and ultimately a better person.
So, why am I talking about this tonight? Because I was an asshole to Kossack CIndyCasella this morning in the "Officer Go Fuck Yourself" diary that got removed. I replied without thinking, from an emotional position just like in my original hide rate from ManFromMiddletown. Regardless of difference in opinion I used language that was inappropriate and whatever point I was making was forever lost. No chance for any debate on the merits, no chance to be taken seriously, I ended that before it even started.
Before the diary was taken down I was able to apologize, but not in the way I wanted to. I had that apology all written when I got the error message that the diary had been removed. I sent her a Kosmail with a direct apology but I really felt I needed to own that in public and I was disappointed the diary came down. No one deserves to receive a comment like my original response, regardless of where we stand on the issue at hand. It's just not who I want to be. So again, CIndyCasella I am sorry. You didn't deserve that.
I used to wish, long ago, that we could edit and delete comments but I am glad we can not. In fact, I think it is important that we can not. It's a permanent record of who we are and what we were thinking at the time and there is every reason to own the responsibility that carries. When I see people leaving dickish comments or speaking inappropriately it always makes me cringe. It's like they think somehow it all disappears from reality once the refrigerator door is closed. But when I see myself do it - it makes me want to look in the mirror and ask myself just who the hell I think I am. I definitely don't want to be that guy.
Hey, thanks for being my mirror, KTK! Maybe this diary will help someone who needs to reassess their online interactions and take a second look. Maybe it will simply have people shaking their heads. Whatever the result, I appreciate the opportunity to do so here. Tune in Friday for what I had planned for tonight. It will keep on the counter until then.
Now over the orange web we weave for a message from Ceiling Cat Basement Cat then for cocktails with horse do-overs in comments!
Remember, DBAD!
- bastrop
See my eyes with your eyes and know that I am LMAO at how well you handled yourself today. Keep up the great work, sucker!