Okay, so I went to a yoga class because I am one of the most inflexible humans on the planet and my doctor told me yoga would do me some good, and wouldn't you know it, one of the people in the yoga class may or may not have had contact with someone who had Ebola so I faced a 21-day quarantine. And damn it if this wasn't Bikram yoga, the hot kind, where we were all sweating up a storm. This is my account of my 21-day quarantine as told to my Quarantine Diary:
DAY 1
Feel pretty good. I was told by the medical folks not to tell anyone what was wrong with me. That included my wife and kids. They're puzzled about why I have to be away for 21 days. I did tell my wife, finally, because I didn't want her to think I had taken up with another woman. She was shocked and said, "Don't come home." The medical team put me up in a Residence Inn. Nice. Got a flat screen and a little kitchen. Called work and told them I'll be out for 21 days and it's legit because I have a signed note from my doctor. When the person at work asked, "What's up?", and I said "Well, I'm having some tests done." I think they know it's an Ebola thing because the last thing the person said to me was, "Don't come to the office."
DAY 2
They wouldn't let me bring my own computer so I asked them for a computer so I could go online and they gave me a government-issue Dell that had some old files from the NSA on it that they must have forgotten to delete, including transcripts of phone conversations between world leaders. Here's a snippet of one of the conversations that was on the computer:
MERKEL: The Brits are such assholes.
HOLLANDE: Oui!
DAY 3
They brought in bags of food for me today, although I am sure they overpaid because they went to Whole Foods. No beer. WTF... That said, I had a kale salad. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm thinking the kale craze has just about run its course.
DAY 4
I heard the couple in the next room going at it all freakin' night last night. God almighty, the FDA needs to put a tighter rein on erection drugs.
DAY 5
Asymptomatic. I hate kale.
DAY 6
Talked with my wife. She says she misses me and the kids are wondering what happened to their dad. She asked me how I was feeling and I said fine. She finished by saying, "Don't come home." I assume she means until my quarantine period is over and not forever.
DAY 7
Somehow, someone found out I was quarantined for Ebola because I received a call on the room phone today from someone wanting to "pray" with me. I played dumb and said, "What the hell are you talking about?" and the person responded, "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?" I said, "Can he get me a quality deep dish pizza? Because that would be saving me right about now."
DAY 8
I'm beginning to go stir crazy in here. Thinking of wandering around the Residence Inn.
DAY 9
Snuck out to the vending machine area. Bought some pork rinds. They were horrible.
DAY 10
Medical team came by in full body suits with goggles and all kinds of crap. I remain asymptomatic. They looked in the trash and asked where I got the bag of pork rinds. I said they were in the cabinet when I got here.
DAY 11
Sean Hannity is an asshole. Threw my shoe at the TV and broke the flat screen.
DAY 12
Fuck! Nine more days of this shit!
DAYS 13-17
Didn't shower or shave. Didn't even put on clothes. Just wandered around the "suite" naked. Counted the semi-trucks passing by on the highway and sorted them by color. Final tally: 267 red, 175 blue, 3,740 silver, 2,691 white, 388 other.
DAY 18
Called home again. Heard a man's voice in the background. Wife got off the phone quickly and closed with, "Don't come home."
DAY 19
Thought I had a fever, but realized I had fallen asleep on the heating/air conditioner room unit and had inadvertently cranked the heat to "Max."
DAY 20
Got dressed today, snuck down to the vending machine, and bought nine bags of pork rinds. Ate all of them.
DAY 21
Sick as a dog. Vomiting, diarrhea, sweating. Medical team came in and immediately backed out of the room in full panic mode. I tried to explain it was the pork rinds, but they insisted on testing me for Ebola and moving me to a hospital.
DAY 22
Negative for Ebola. Positive for eating too many pork rinds. Called the wife to come pick me up. Says she "met somebody." Called work and told them I'd be in tomorrow. They said, "Call us back next week. Some things have come up." Put on 11 pounds in 22 days. Thinking of going back to yoga class. Should probably start eating kale again, too. Anyone know where I can get an apartment, cheap?