The holidays often confront us with the state of our family relationships. If your stomach is already is in knots, if you have ever spent the holidays weeping uncontrollably, look for a support group today. Al-Anon (for people from alcoholic families) is always busy during the holidays. There will meetings on Thanksgiving as people flee their families. Many of these events are potluck dinners where everyone is welcome.
"Codependency" is a laymen's term popularized by the addiction recovery community. It refers to a shopping basket of emotional issues experienced by people who were raised in homes with trauma, addiction, abuse, abandonment, death, conflict, and chaos. As we discussed in our previous diary, research indicates that people with this background who have a good self image are at risk of becoming bullies, people with a poor self image are at risk of becoming life-long victims, and people whose self image is a mixture of good and bad may become bully/victims who seem to be at risk of developing criminal personalities.
Anyway, this I was just tallying up delusional beliefs of people suffering from codependency ( I use "delusion" to describe a belief that shapes someones life, even though that belief is directly contradicted by experience, logic, and science. It's used generally to describe thoughts that fall short of outright hallucinations. Like every other term in psychology, the exact definition depends on who is using it.) let's just run down the list and see if anyone else can add to it:
"I understand people"
No. Just no. Seriously, if codependent people have a unique understanding of others, why do they have terrible trouble with relationships? Why do they marry addicts so often or get into abusive relationships? Worse yet, why do they often marry people who are nearly clones of their abusive parents?
"I have empathy"
No, there is generally a lack of empathy. There may be sympathy or identification, in which one person experiences the emotions they believe the other person has, but that identification can be based on an inaccurate assessment of the other person. And the codependent lacks "cognitive empathy," which is an understanding of why someone else feels the way they do. Often codependent sympathy only extends to other codependent people, and that's almost the opposite of empathy. Relationships are likely to be shallow and brief although large amounts of drama may give the illusion that it means something. Because codependency makes such extensive use of ego defenses, meaningful communication is quite difficult. If someone else expresses genuine empathy and understanding for the codependent, their anxiety levels may go sky-high. Projection and projective identification are used to control people rather than understand them. Believing you know what people want or need is a terrific excuse for forcing the to do what you want. This may involve a lot of fake outrage over things where you honestly have no interest as well as infantializing people who don't even want your help.
"You're crazy!!!!!!!"
This is well described in that literature of psychoanalysis in the early stages of the "transference," the fluid emotional relationship between analyst and patient - the patient is convinced that analyst is ruthless, dishonest, abusive, and above all crazy. And that's even though in those early stages the analyst should be listening fairly passively in a spirit of empathetic concern without offering psychological interpretations. Despite this, some people actually become psychotic at this stage of treatment because just being htere has triggered paranoid fantasies. Kernberg described a patient that launched an investigation all over town, shadowing Kernberg and gathering "evidence" that Kernberg was crazy and unethical. He spoke to Kernberg's professional rivals and systemically propagated rumors about Kernberg. After weeks of looking for "proof" against Kernberg, Kernberg got wind of this and confronted his patient. At this point, the patient seemed to have an "OMG, what am I doing?" moment and realized that he really, really needed to start taking therapy seriously.
And that's a familiar situation - if you put two people into close contact, and one has multiple risk factors of mental illness and the other has no risk factors, the person with risk factors will declare the other one "crazy."
This would seem to be a fairly clear case of projection - the person with anxiety about a problem has a magical ability to "see" that problem in other people (pot-kettle-black), and so they attack others for being "crazy." They can even coach the other person into behaving crazy ("gas lighting"). Or they can just make wild accusations against the other person until the other person says "You know what? You're crazy!" and then the anxious person is able to believe that their own anxiety is actually coming from the outside. Based on the "reintrojection" of their own anxiety, they are then able to attack others while also soliciting sympathy from codependent friends ("He called me crazy! Waaaah!")
Personally, I have believed for some time that the principals of transference apply in ordinary object relations of two people, which was confirmed by Otto Finechel. in group psychology, just add more people with risk factors, and it escalates to full bullying. Remove the person without risk factors from the group, and they are likely to turn on the weakest member, "Lord Of The Flies" style.
Crazy is the new normal, and normal is the new crazy. Ironically, there are probably millions of people carry the stigma of mental illness whose only sin was to not be mentally ill in the vicinity of codependent person. Notice that these days many people describe their experience being bullied at work by a supervisor and conclude "And I have not had a full time job since then," probably because the boss is continuing to ruin them for years afterwards. This eternal quest for vengeance can be seen in many codependent families, where the kid that works hard is made the black sheep and sent into exile, and the parent quest for revenge extends beyond the grave in the form of highly vindictive will.
Why? Envy caused the first murder in the Bible. It is also a generally accepted principle of psychology that envy is synonymous with violent hatred.
"You think....."
Mind reading is huge in codependency. Trying to make people like you is part of it, but so is making negative assumptions about others to maintain the sense of victimization.
"You think you're better than me?"
Look out, daddy's drunk again and things are about to get nasty!
"My dysfunctional upbringing made me into an amazing parent"
As they say in Adult Children Of Alcoholics (ACOA) as
1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
and
this way
we have no idea what is a normal family life and what is appropriate.
Great parent or just really controlling? Perfectionist that sets impossibly high standards, demotivating kids, then punishing them for lack of motivation? Playing favorites? Creating a family scapegoat?
"I am fiercely independent"
Here's a clue - people who are actually independent spend no time congratulating themselves on how "independent" they are. Just look at the word codependent: "dependent" is in the name, because they are so dependent.
"Other people are so negative"
Other people have a higher tolerance for ambiguity and uncertainly, therefore they spend more time assessing risk. Pointing out risk is not "negative." Codependent people are often impulsive and may be very certain that things have to be a specific way despite a lack of evidence. When someone has plans and they complain that you have contradicted their plans impulsively, this is not being "negative," this is some asking for you to respect their boundaries.
If you agreed with all these statements so far, you can save time by just looking up the local Al-Anon or similar adult survivors group right now.
"I can control what others think"
If someone believe they know what other people think, they are likely to try to control those thoughts. There is a sort of magical belief that the right combination of words will create change, like one of Harry Potter's spells. Of course a wily partner will encourage those beliefs as part of the codependent relationship.
"I'm not depressed or angry"
Denying emotional reality is a big part of growing up in a codependent family. Complaining or expressing unhappiness in any form is dangerous personally and to the wobbly stability of the family unit. Depression may be denied entirely, and it could be masked as anger. Part of the cycle of codependency is the need to always have scapegoats to blame for these negative emotions. It's not you, it's someone else's fault.
"I only care about the truth"
No, codependency is about concealing the truth. The codependent family generally has a shameful secret, the "elephant in the living room" that everyone knows about but will not mention. Maybe it's as simple as an alcoholic parent, or maybe it is something much more shameful. Sometimes a family member is brave enough to rock the boat by being the "truth-teller," and the family will close ranks to isolate, punish, and humiliate the truth-teller. The family motto should be "Lie to survive."
Going against the grain in an alcoholic family could make someone a hot target. If one person tries to speak the truth about an alcoholic and put up boundaries, that person quickly can become the black sheep. Family members often will air out the truth-teller’s dirty laundry; (notice that this is the use of shame to control family members) whatever positive standing they might have within the family could be knocked down. Rumors and negativity may even spread beyond the family group.
"I'm a good person"
Maybe yes, maybe no. No doubt some of you will see a Thanksgiving family brawl where everyone is screaming about how they are nicer (better/kinder/more generous/loving) than everyone else, because they all have unrealistic self images. Put a bunch of people like that together and it is a pride war. If you're always angry and figuring out how to punish "bad" people, that doesn't make you a good person. Since codependent people don't understand people, the targets of their anger and punishment have a random quality. Also, the risk factors of codependency are also the risk factors for being a bully (or a victim).
I like the trailer for "Monster," (based on a real case) where you can see the whole timeline. Charlize Theron comes out of the a horrible abusive home, grows up with unrealistic ideas about others, falls off the the bottom rung of the codependency ladder into what is probably Borderline Personality Disorder and finally plunges into murderous psychosis with a garnish of grandiosity ("I'm strong.... I can do anything"). Even after she's started her murder spree, she still believes she is good. She's just punishing the "bad" people, and she eventually ends up murdering a minister who is just trying to get her off the street.
I'm not a bad person, I'm a real good person!
How would she react to this diary? Probably with what Bion called a psychotic "attack on reality" itself. Don't like reality, then attack it selectively, trying to destroy the world one fact at a time. Kernberg also speaks of the need to "destroy meaning" through sadistic attacks.
"No really, I'm a good person who just does bad things when it suits me... right?"
Oh boy, no that's not how it works, not at all. If your actions are impulsive and selfish, that just makes you impulsive and selfish. Self sacrificing or feeling bad after the fact doesn't change that. You have an "idealized self image" which may be very very different from how you really are.
Furthermore, the good guy self-image is often based on a carefully cultivated status as a victim. This can mean directing aggression at others (projection) until they respond with counter-aggression (reintrojection). Have you ever noticed how often abusers claim that they are the ones really being abused? Many people really are capable of that sort of self deception that lets them believe they are still "good." And abusers and sadists may believe they are the victims.
"Other people's empathy for me is an attack"
As Kernberg (1975) said, people develop a spiral of "distrust and fear of the therapist who is experienced as attacking the patient. aggression and defensiveness of the therapist" ... and the patient "tries to control the therapist in a sadistic, overpowering way." The patient believes he is just defending himself, so his anger and aggression is justified.
We've covered this point twice, and maybe five to ten years of hard work will yield some progress..... moving on ......
"I am unique and special"
Don't bet on it. You may not have reached the stage of development where a person attains unique traits.
"Other people are so angry"
If someone had to act out and get their parent angry to get attention, they are likely to continue behaving that way. We can see trolls online whose whole existence revolves around making people angry at them. In a personal relationship, the codependent will use accusations and "projective identification" to mold the other person into the image they need.
Codependent people have anger that they strongly deny, so they need their partner to be angry. They accuse their partner of being angry ("projection") . Then they coach their partner into becoming the angry parent-like "persecuroty figure." The codependent tells them "You're angry ... you're angry ... you're angry ... you're angry" to create the desired emotion in the other person ("projective identification"). The other person may finally just give up and become angry at the codependent, so now the codependent can be angry right back ("reintrojection of anger.") Through this process they are finally able to externalize their anger, identify with it, and then attack their own unwanted emotions in another person.
"You're a drunk"
If someone was raised in an alcoholic home, they are likely to go through life accusing other people of having drinking problems. Except, of course, they may give a free pass to people with actual drinking problems, because drunks somehow slip right through the codependent's radar defenses.
"I am entitled to get my way"
Here we start getting more into the sadistic and destructive impulses of the more manipulative and abusive personality. Somehow other people are cheating you or denying the reward or recognition that you deserve? Life is being unfair? Strangers owe you something? Your self-sacrifice (which nobody wanted) entitles you to make demands? You opinions matter more than others and they had better jump when you speak? Other people's boundaries and privacy take a back seat to your need to be aggressive? Are you entitled to stalk people if they ignore you?
I have repeatedly seen people in business situations launch into stories about their horrendous childhoods, with the implication that this somehow entitles them to take charge. Other people are cowed by this behavior rather than saying "What the fuck does that have to do with me? Your shitty childhood is supposed to automatically put you above me in the pecking order?" And of course that even assumes these stories are true! It could be a lie, or a fnatasy. It would be interesting to see how often that happens, because a person might be more likely to tell a dramatic lie than admit (what is for them) what would be a deeply shameful truth.
The intimately linked defensive operations of omnipotence and devaluation refer to the patient's identification with an overidealized self- and object-representation, with the primitive form of ego-ideal as a protection against the threatening needs and involvement with others. Such "self-idealization" usually implies magical fantasies of omnipotence, the conviction that that he, the patient, will eventually receive all the gratification that he is entitled to... A corollary of this fantasy is the devaluation of other people, the patient's conviction of superiority over them, including the therapist.
-Kernberg (1975)
Kernberg describes a defensive belief in the patient's own "omnipotence," sense of entitlement, and "devaluation" of others. In this case, devaluation would amount to sneering ridicule and contempt of anyone within range. And that's not just for narcissists - Kernberg describes this in the context of people with deep social insecurities.
There could be the simple sadistic abusive urge to dominate. There could also be a masochistic expectation that suffering must result in a reward. Narcissists often turn into manipulative hypochondriacs who tyrannize their families with psychosomatic "illnesses" whenever they don't get their way. Some people are simply driven by anxiety and panic. It's impossible to tell without knowing someone personally.
"I am entitled to respect"
Here's one of life's little secrets - "respect" is a codependent code word that does not mean anything to most people. But if watch an episode of "Cops" where some family is having their weekly drunken brawl, at least one person will be yelling about "respect."
"I am entitled to be the only one with an opinion about others"
This is definitely getting more into the area of the "bully" than the "victim." Everyone has an opinion about other people. IMHO, it's almost only people from alcoholic families that feel their opinions about others must be listened to and "respected." Keep in mid that codependents are terrified of being rejected, so they tend to react very badly when someone simply tells them to "fuck off." They lose a lot of energy imagining they are being rejected personally, so it stings when someone essentially says "I really really hope I'm making myself clear and you will take this as personally as you possible, shove your opinions up your ass and take a hike." Most people would take the hint, most people would never get to the point where someone has to tell them to fuck off over and over. But that's part of codependency - they will not let go. Even if they are more bully than victim, they still have a victim's neediness. It is impossible to communicate to them how creepy the clinging bully is, but the need to shame others is probably a projection of their own overwhelming sense of shame and disgust with themselves.
"I'm the victim"
The codependents identity is tied to their sense of victimization. Other people may see them as shallow, manipulative, inflexible, sabotaging, and more than a little sadistic. None of this may be evident as long as they can attach themselves to an addict or some other dependent person.
"I am a born leader"
This is a weird one, but Kernberg describes this need to lead as a low intensity form of sadism.. Very often codependent people become convinced they have unique leadership qualities, based on their imaginary gifts of empathy and understanding of other people. Their lack of understanding of normal families leads to lack of understanding of group psychology. Because they play favorites and have an inability to confront misbehavior in the people close to them, this often leads to a reign of terror in the workplace. Work may become something very close to their dysfunctional childhood. On the other hand, a number of famous coaches and athletes had mothers that committed suicide. It's likely that in many cases their belief in their own leadership was so strong (even if delusional) that other people said "Wow, they must be a leader, they are so confident!" And given enough practice, it can actually happen.
Anyway, that's all I've got. Anyone else?