Date: December 1940
To: The People of the Glorious Soviet Union
Comrades:
It is with regret that we announce that under the directions of our beloved Comrade Josef Stalin, 22,000 Polish nationals were murdered in the Katyn Forest, Poland, in April and May of this year. While we were told by Comrade Stalin's spokesmen that the Poles were invited into the forest for interviews, with tea and muffins, it turns out that we were misled.
Please read on for details.
Comrade Stalin himself has stoutly denied any wrongdoing, although his 2IC, Richardovich Cheneyski, has said, "I did it, and I'm glad." Others involved in the massacre, as well as many of their fawning bootlickers, are protesting vigorously.
It is a tribute to the strength of our great nation that a thorough investigation has revealed the truth, and since our government is honest and forthright and transparent, not some evil murderous regime, full disclosure is the right and moral thing to do. The people must learn of our transgressions so that our great nation is certain never to commit such a horrible atrocity again.
Long live our Glorious Republic! You-Ess-Ess-Arr! You-Ess-Ess-Arr!