From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Retail Store: 11am
"Did you find everything okay? Great, I'll just ring you up."
"Hardly any enjoyment in shopping this year."
"Oh? Why's that?"
"Obama! That guy isn't happy unless he's taking away the freedom of the private sector to create jobs and improve the economy. It's all regulation this and regulation that…raising taxes…forcing oBAHmacare down our throats. it never ends."
"I see."
"If it's one thing the founding fathers intended, it was for businesses to have the freedom to run things the way they see fit! Let businesses do what they believe is in their best interest. All those government bureaucrats just muck everything up. I say whatever policies your owners want to enforce, they should be able to without a bunch of yappy know-nothings screaming in your face, telling you what to do and how to do it. Shameful."
"Well, that's a very interesting viewpoint. Here's your merchandise. And your change. And on behalf of our freedom-loving company, happy holidays!"
"Wait…what did you say?"
"It's company policy to send every customer on their way with a cheery 'Happy Holidays,' so...happy holidays!"
"Why, you're one of those tyranny-based companies, aren't you! Happy Holidays?!! I shoulda known! I'll tell you something, you spawn of Satan: the day can't come fast enough when our duly-elected representatives in Washington pass a constitutional amendment forcing every single business in this great nation to say 'Merry Christmas' under penalty of jail time! How dare you jeopardize our homeland morality! Think of the children! Why does no one think of the children?!! Shame on you!"
[ker-SLAM!]
"Well, thanks for shopping here, anyway, at our...um...toy store."
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Note: If you suffer from the itching and burning of spontaneous combustion that hinders your active lifestyle, ask your firefighter if water is right for you.
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14 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next full moon:
4
Days 'til the
Armadillo Christmas Bazaar in Texas:
14
Current savings rate among Americans under 35:
-2%
(Source: CNN)
Internet users worldwide in 1994 and 2014, respectively:
25 million, 2.9 billion
Percent of the world that still doesn't use the internet:
60%
(Source:
The Week)
Increase in Holiday tree prices (averaging $20 each) this year after a six-year decline:
$2
Current score in the war on Christmas: Pagans lead Fox News
14-8
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Now is the time for the GOP to be aggressive and attack the Democrats on all fronts, non-stop. But unfortunately for us and the nation the party is led by cowardly, feckless, indecisive, whores to the Chamber of Commerce. They’re still more worried about what the increasingly Pravda-like NYT will say about them than what their own voters want. God, deliver us from the evil of the Democrat party and save us from the stupidity of the GOP.
---Commenter Charlemagne at Hot Air
All together now: 1…2…3…
Picky picky.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: And the winner of the National Dog Show ain't nothin' but a…
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CHEERS to December. The year's glorious, sparkling, musical, snow-bedecked, bell-ringing, Norman Rockwellesque grand finale! Bring on the swans a'swimming, sharpen your dreidel tips and polish your Festivus pole. Bring on the Hobbits one more time! Bring on the Grammy nominations! Bring on the winter solstice! Oh, and check the expiration date on the eggnog that's been sitting in the back of your fridge since 1999 before you take a swig. (If it's turned semi-solid, you can still use it to patch potholes in your driveway.) And settle your differences with 2014 because in 30 days it is out the door and ain't comin' back.
JEERS to December. The year's stress-filled, bone chilling, dark-by-3, be-cheerful-or-else, and oh-look-it's-a-giant-blizzard grand finale. The Harry Simeone choir will make curmudgeons' ears bleed, and you just know there are a handful of beloved mega-celebrities who will inconvenience us by dying this month. (I miss you already, whoever you are...you brought joy, laughter and/or amazing innovations to millions and broke new ground in whatever you did). Also the Pearl Harbor anniversary. The wise among us will forgo candy canes and instead hang holiday-themed Prozac Pez dispensers. And remember the Republican mantra this holiday season:
You can't spell Noel without "No!"
CHEERS to one less loose-cannon on the force. As protests continue across the country (and, holy cow, the media is actually covering them), Ferguson Police Officer and Michael Brown murderer Darren "Shoot Before You Think" Wilson resigned from his job over the weekend. He says he wants to spend more time with his imaginary demons. I think he'll succeed beyond his wildest nightmares.
WOW to locking and loading for the holidays. Says here that the FBI was swamped on Black Friday with background-check requests because a record number of shoppers were emptying store shelves of Chia Pets Snuggies guns:
Aww. Baby's first bang-bang.
The staggering number of checks---an average of almost three per second, nearly three times the daily average---falls on the shoulders of 600 FBI and contract call center employees who will endure 17-hour workdays in an attempt to complete the background reviews in three business days, as required by law, FBI spokesman Stephen Fischer said. "Traditionally, Black Friday is one of our busiest days for transaction volume," Fischer said.
Indeed, Friday saw the highest number of background checks ever for a Black Friday, and second in history. The highest day on record was December 21, 2012, with more than 177,000 background checks.
As a public service, C&J has a helpful tip for Santa when he goes about his business in 23 days: trade the fur suit for Kevlar.
CHEERS to slaying Ann Coulter's idol. Sixty years ago today, on December 2nd, 1954, the Senate voted 67-22 to condemn Joseph McCarthy for "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute." Three years later the bitter, broken man would be dead of cirrhosis of the liver. The takeaway lesson for our modern age: everyone start sending Ted Cruz liquor for Christmas.
JEERS to punching down for Jesus. If you're just waking up from your tryptophan-induced Thanksgiving coma, here's something you missed: Republican "staffer" Elizabeth Lauten wrote this nasty screed about the Obama kids not showing enough "class" while their dad was pardoning the Thanksgiving turkey. The money quote: "Dress like you deserve respect, not a spot at a bar." Lauten has since resigned, but not before this photo of her surfaced:
Clearly she got tanked years ago, knowing that she would one day be in a unique position to show the Obama daughters how
not to behave. In fact, RNC chair Reince Priebus is so inspired by Lauten's selfless act that he's considering a new slogan for the party: "Republicans: We Behave Like Idiots So You Don’t Have To."
The Swiss announced my birth
with one of these contraptions.
CHEERS to locking "matter horns." Being descended from the Swiss, I like to Google the birthplace of my DNA every ten years or more---it helps me maintain the bond that I cherish with my non-committal roots. And, boy howdymeister, did I hit the jackpot this time! Turns out Switzerland was about to go the Full Ron Paul by putting a measure on the ballot that would require the country to hoard a fifth of its monetary reserves in
gold---1,650 tons worth totaling $60 billion. As America's tea party held its breath in anticipation of a victory that would influence our own monetary policy, the votes were counted and…
the measure got slaughtered. And then, adding insult to
injury, they refused to go The Full Sheriff Joe Arpaio by
rejecting this:
Voters in Switzerland have decisively rejected a proposal to cut net immigration to no more than 0.2% of the population. The country's 26 cantons rejected the proposal, with about 74% of people voting no in Sunday's referendum. … Around a quarter of Switzerland's eight million people are foreigners. The measure would have required the government to reduce immigration from about 80,000 to 16,000 people a year.
Next year the Swiss will vote on building a twelve-foot dark-chocolate fence around its border to control the immigrant population. Being made by a peace-loving peoples, it won’t exactly hurt you if you choose to climb it. But the experience is guaranteed to leave a bitter taste in your mouth.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 2, 2004
CHEERS to fond farewells. Tom Brokaw---who always sounded like his sinuses were as stuffed as Dennis Hastert's ass in a thong---anchored his last NBC Nightly News last night. After seeing replacement Brian Williams snark it up on `The Daily Show', we deem the anchor desk to be in good hands.
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And just one more…
Still fabulous after all
these years. And years.
CHEERS to my hunka hunka burnin' love with creaky knees. Happy Birthday and many blessings on your camels to Michael---aka "Common Sense Mainer"---my partner of 21½ years (and, oh, does that ever piss off the religious right). Today my little lotus blossom turns [
redacted]---young enough to not be eligible for Social Security, old enough to get
AARP Magazine delivered every month like clockwork. He shares it (his birthday, not AARP Magazine) with Britney Spears (33), Harry Reid (75), and Stone Phillips (60). And if they're true to form, I'll get a call from the cops around midnight, and shortly thereafter I'll give my sweetie his annual present: bail.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
When you collect the 5 billion or so Cheers and Jeers items posted by Bill in Portland Maine into one massive database, those bits of individual drivel combine into a massive pointillist masterpiece.
---Computerworld
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