It's been a rough couple weeks here in the swamp.
This is a frank discussion of mental illness, poverty and the challenges of dealing with the Social Security system - so if it's not your cuppa - move on.
More below the dooblydoo.
Between my Mum's friend and her mental illness taking over our whole "family life" such as it is, waiting for something to happen with Social Security so I can get my own life back on track and a serious resurgence of my own mental illness symptoms - it's not been a good time.
Add to that my best friend at home is in deep trouble being abused by his girlfriend and I can't help him from here. Our local friends are looking for them, as are the police for a "safety check" - but it's still frustrating knowing he's in danger.
For myself, bathing is still a struggle, I'm holding onto about every 3 days or so, but it frustrates my Mum to no end. I just can't seem to get in the shower more often than that. The music, birds and plant in the bathroom are back in full force, as is the ex wife's voice - the medication doesn't seem to be doing anything for it at all anymore, and with the recent shooting of the Jewish Center in the midwest - I'm more afraid than ever to go outside alone for much of any reason.
One of the hardest parts of dealing with it all is that I can't just go see my doctor. I see him once every 3 months for about 45 minutes and have to spill it all out and try to get some sort of temp measure in place - med changes usually - and then it's another 3 months before I can see him again. They're just too overburdened to allow me to see him more often than that. My therapist is leaving because she has burnout - I refer to her as "Useless Therapist" because she's not helpful in any manner at all, but I see her all the same because she's part of my treatment plan, even if she is way over her head. I have no idea who my next one will be, or for how long - or how close they are to burn out as well.
Absolutely nothing is happening with Social Security at all until the end of May apparently - but my SNAP has been slashed because I will be getting more income. Not that I have it, mind you, but I'll be getting some, so they took me down to $15 a month. Not took away $15, the total I now get in SNAP is $15 a month. Without any income to show for the loss until basically June. So that's a real kick in the teeth I wasn't expecting. I won't starve or anything living with my parents, but it's put a further burden on them as I am expected to pay for two of my own meals a day generally. (Mum makes dinner.)
Back pay is being held because they want someone to give them a value on my boat - because it's considered a luxury vehicle, not a home. At 25ft and in dire need of a refit, it's hardly a luxury vehicle, but people hear "sailboat" and think 60ft yacht, even if you give them pictures. So the port has helped with giving a value on the boat, but the process of releasing the funds so I have something to live on and get ready to go home with seems to take forever. I'll need to put in some $2500 in work on the car to get it ready for the drive back across country before I even go anywhere, so I need those funds to prepare for the trip home, as well as plan carefully how to use them to best refit the boat to not only be ready to sail, but also to face another Oregon winter. There's a lot of work to be done, and a small window to do it in that is only getting smaller as the year moves on.
Mum's friend has been calling on average about 10 times a day, to the point I've been hiding under the covers when the phone rings. She has a doctor she sees regularly, a home health care nurse and goes to an outpatient clinic daily, but seems to want to drag Mum into her drama along with her - and Mum keeps answering the phone. I cringe at the sound of her name. Part of it is straight up jealousy, as Mum has not put nearly that much interest or effort into my condition or helping me cope, but part of it is just being worn down from the screaming outside my door as Mum yells at her over the phone, the constant seeking support from me when I'm falling apart from my own illness - the not being allowed to be ill that is normal for our family. As the designated "healthy child" I'm simply not allowed to have off days, or struggle or have needs.
CCL is deteriorating as well. He's drinking more and more, becoming more combative and confused, trying to bring more cats into the house from the outside feral colony when he thinks no one is looking. He gets very angry when anyone mentions or complains about the constant battle with feces and urine, the fights, the hair - or anyone having any activity outside the house. He gets angry I won't park in the driveway so he can block my car in and control my movement - not that I go a lot of places, but I can manage a quick run to the store for Mum or to my taekwondo class once a week. He gets angry if Mum has a book signing or needs to take Gran to an appointment - because he keeps her blocked in as well.
He lied to Mum about the cost of a passport because she wants to go on a cruise with her girlfriends since he won't leave the cats. He expects her to spend their 50th anniversary here taking care of the cats while he goes to his mother's alone, like he does every year for Christmas. He nearly lost $900 to a "fix your computer" scam and it was only the fact that I did fraud control for banks that got him to block his card and file a dispute - he was still not convinced it was a scam until he went to the bank and they told him we were right to block the card immediately. He spends his days making weird noises at the cats and getting ginned up watching POX spews as he slowly drinks himself to death.
It never seems to end. I wanted to be on my way by now, to be headed home and getting my life back - and yet more roadblocks have turned up. I'm beginning to wonder if I will get home at all some days.