“Provincial? Moi?”
Arabic in Ten Easy Lessons using the Scottis Stoned Language Institute
Americans are castigated—many times unfairly—for our lack of citizens who speak more than one language. To our defense, in my native Southwest a White is often discouraged by Mexicans from speaking Spanish. Instead, they’ll switch to English or feign not understanding you.
But do give us a break: We’re insulated by two large bodies of water, most of us have been thrown out of our own countries of origin and, with some exceptions, a lot of us want to leave the Old World behind…and that certainly includes language; even in English— the lingua franca for the Union—has been changed a great deal from its British roots.
Criticism aimed at US public education is warranted. If you control the way a person speaks, you control how he or she thinks. If you get them to speak another language, they are going to think outside the parameters of their own language and challenge the same. Hence, they’ll be harder to control. With the world wars, Cold War, Drug War, War on Terror and countless conflicts, we need to be controlled. But I’m getting ahead of myself; let’s get started on instant second language acquisition of Arabic!
I. Empty the magazine of your automatic on a shoplifter. This is mainly for authorities, but it is of some use.
II. In the same vein, level 9 mm fire at an SUV full of kids driven by a crack mother anxious to ditch her weed.
III. Pepper-spray Wall Street protestors with backpack guitars.
IV. Hold ourselves and our 238 year old republic as more advanced and meritorious than other nations and their peoples who have been around thousands of years.
V. Use armored personnel carriers for local protests and civic unrest.
VI. A good deal of language acquisition is the effective use of imperatives, i.e. “Get the f*&k back! Keep your hands where I can see them! OK, cross your ankles!”
VII. Mastery of tenses is a must: Past tense, “Remember 9-11? We should have killed them all then!” Present tense, “Kill them all!” and future tense “Back the f*%k up or I shall kill you all!”
VIII. Be familiar with people and offer them no esteem—verbal or otherwise—unless you can immediately profit from them.
IX. Master adjectival use by constantly comparing yourself to others.
X. A common core to all language is in religion. Attend church in the company of others to worship a supreme being and be sure to use plenty of First Person singular.
One point of embarrassment for many people (needlessly, I feel) is accent. Merely give it time. In the ISIS of today, Arabic is spoken with British, American, Asian, European, and Slavic accents. After a couple of generations—give or take some mutation—Arabic will be seamless and easily understood everywhere.
The Phantom