At the beginning of the fall semester I did not pick up the series I have generally been posted on Saturdays during the school year, focusing on issues in teaching at a primarily undergraduate university in a relatively isolated community. I don't know if anyone noticed, but it was frustrating to me, as I have enjoyed the regular setting aside of time to consider things that are going on in my classes, and have appreciated the community of educators (both primary and secondary school and college/university) who have suggestions and wisdom to share. My goal this semester is to go back to this. So Saturday afternoons sometime I hope this series is reborn.
It wasn't have I didn't enjoy writing the diaries, and I don't think it was because I had nothing to say (in fact, I tried something completely new in one of my classes in the fall, and it worked in some ways and didn't work in others). But I was facing the results of an issue that was starting to arise in the spring, and didn't realize how much it would affect my semester.
Follow me below the orange loopy thingamajig.
I had a total thyroidectomy (because of cancer) in the summer of 2013. Although my thyroid levels and everything have stabilized, and I didn't have the weight gain some others have had, I never have felt as good since the surgery. I was okay-ish in the fall, recovering from the cancer surgery and radiation, but by late in the spring of 2014 I found myself staring at walls and sometimes the television without feeling like getting up and doing anything more useful. I was sleeping a lot, and soundly, but my schedule was odd, and I couldn't get myself to get up from the computer and walk across the house to get into my bed (and I tested clear for sleep apnea, so that was not the cause). I had trouble focusing on grading papers or anything else useful.
The doctor I spoke with prescribed me some medicine for depression. I didn't feel depressed, I argued, but we both knew I was experiencing classic symptoms of the condition. And the medicine helped get me through the spring. In the summer things are usually better. I get more sleep (I am a night owl), set my own schedule, sometimes get things done more easily (although I was still distracted), and don't generally have the stress that is a feature of the academic year.
But as the fall started, and family issues got more concerning as well (which adds to the stress, but is not connected with teaching, so I don't need to talk about that in any detail), I found myself not only not being able to concentrate, but bursting into tears without any provocation. I desperately didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings. I did, though; I only missed days because of a brief visiting scholar "residency" at another university. My poor friends who had offices in my building each had a day or two in which I stopped into their offices to ask a question and quickly burst into tears. For no real good reason. The only time I felt okay and like myself was when I was standing in front of a class or doing the advising and mentoring that is an important part of the job at this university. Talking with students energized me, and I had some really good results with some experiments in delivery of material, which also made the teaching component of the fall much easier to do than anything else. Grading was an issue, but the teaching itself was the thing that was most enjoyable for me all semester.
I went up and down in the depression questionnaire, and there was experimentation with different meds and different doses. And I learned a lot. About myself (the interaction with people is what matters to me in teaching -- getting students excited about material is why I am in this, and it is not just intellectual pleasure for me, but was the part of my life that rewarded me for the dragging myself out of bed, which is why on weekends it was so difficult to get up). But it also taught me, in a way that sitting in a class on "mental first aid" had not done, what it is like to suffer with a potentially disabling mental condition. I had access to a sympathetic doctor, medicine that was affordable (and partially covered by insurance) and access to counseling, which I was doing by the end of the year. I think what is going on is a response to stress and when the stress is gone, the depression is gone, so it is a relatively temporary phase, but it will return if I don't figure this out.
I have had students who have been dealing with depression, with anxiety, and some who I suspect are at least mildly bipolar. I have worked with them, and guided them to the resources that will help them. I have seen what happens when the depression becomes so extreme they cannot manage their school tasks, and helped them in whatever ways I was allowed to help them. In other words, I knew, and was trying to be sensitive to, how serious mental conditions can affect even the most intelligent and outwardly-confident students. But experiencing even the depression I had was an incredibly humbling experience. I could still function, and do a good job, and I still had a job, and friends who provided excellent support.
I was glad I had the backing that I had, and am very seriously in the right job for me. I am good at it, and people appreciate my contributions. I like teaching. I like where I live. There is so much good in my life. And it still seemed overwhelming. I don't know how it will affect my interaction with my students going forward, but it will help me understand, rather than just know, what they are dealing with.
So that is why I didn't write last fall, and resuming the diaries on college teaching is on the schedule for the spring. They will not be every week (I have some conferences scheduled for the spring and it will be difficult to fit in diaries during those weeks), but they will probably be three or so weeks a month (so much more often than not, I hope). I am trying to get back to my regular self, and this is one of the things I like to do, and will return to. And besides, I enjoy the comments that people make about their experiences as teachers, students, and those who are interested in education. Feel free to talk about the diaries I have written in the comments, but also to discuss the things you are interested in about education of any kind.
And thank you for reading.