Hola peoples!
So I'm stuck in a hotel in Kearney, Nebraska because I-80 is clusterfuck of ice east of Kearney and, after travelling here for two hours at the breakneck speed of 40 mph, it was either this or stay at a rest stop for the night at negative temperatures. I have enough dough to stay here another night if needed (all the schools in the area are closed tomorrow), but I was hoping to get home by Monday evening.
This has been the most difficult decision I've ever made in my adult life, and this shitty weather is not helping me solidify said decision. At all. But, in truth, I guess nothing can.
Because I am going to miss Little Shiz like nobody's business.
My mother died on September 7, 2014. My mom and I were never close; it could be debated that we were both the antithesis of the other. My mom was mean, angry, and closed off. I am nice, relatively sweet, and open. My mom's death was a touchstone in my life, because things changed rapidly after her long and sullied battle with cancer. My mom refused to take orders from doctors, ignored them, and suffered the extreme consequences of her actions.
They told her to stop smoking. She did. They told her to stop drinking. She didn't.
And so she took a long time to die, and it was brutal and awful and I wish I could take back those terrible memories from my father and my sister, who were with my mom for the bulk of her illness. Mom Shiz was a tough motherfucker until the very end. I had to give the eulogy at her funeral (no one else wanted to do it), even though everyone knew she hated my guts. It was pretty tough, honestly. But I did it, and I felt stronger for it.
I didn't know this at the time, but my mom had been actively invested in keeping me away from Wisconsin, my dad, my sister, my brother-in-law, and my gorgeous nephews. Now that she's gone, it's almost like the gates that had never been available to me before are suddenly starkly vacant and waiting for me to come on through. It's a nice feeling, this new "family" unit.
While my sis and I have always been close, my relationship with my father deteriorated over the years he was with my mom to the point where it was borderline non-functional. Now that my mom is gone, I have resumed the wonderful relationship I used to have with my dad. We haven't been this close for at least 30 years. It is SO nice! I love it!
I bully him now and force him to take his medications and do his exercises. LOL.
As much as I wanted to stay in Colorado with Little Shiz, a very familiar dynamic was being established in my adopted state with Little Shiz's dad. Little Shiz's dad is normal, controlling, and manipulative. I am a weirdo, easy breezy, and straight-forward.
I'm sure you can see where this is going.
I very much want to live in Colorado, forever and ever, amen. Ask anyone who has met me or known me since I've lived here: this is my fucking place, none of you have any idea! OMGWTFBBQ! I got stoned one night and made my Dkos nick, y'all! How messed up is that?!
I have lived in Colorado for 18 years. And, as difficult as the past 18 years have been, I am a better person for experiencing all of those years combined than I was in my first 28 years total.
I love Colorado with every fiber of my being! That state is fucking ME!, in all of my messed up, demented, and fucked up glory.
And so now, I am on my way to moving back to the place that birthed me. I am floored by this. As awful as it is to acknowledge, the entire reason I can go back to Wisconsin now is because my mother is no longer there. I feel guilty about this, as any good recovering Catholic should, but not guilty enough not to blog about it.
I could never control my mom. I can't control Little Shiz's dad, either. So I'll do whatever I need to do in order to move forward and heal.
And I'll stay in Wisconsin as long as I need to in order to do that. Even if it's not my adored Colorado. I am going from John Hickenlooper (D-Opie) to fucking Scott Walker (R-Satan), folks! I don't even know who my new senators are (or my rep, obviously), but I'm willing to bet that whatever WI has to offer is 10x worse than what CO has to offer, and that is INCLUDING Cory Gardner.
Do not even get me started on that dickhead! Oy.
But I'll be with my family, for the first time in what seems like forever. And, even though Little Shiz won't be with us, it will be a warm and necessary reunion.
There is no way I can live in Wisconsin permanently, but it will be my home for the time being. It is both welcomed and honored.
Much love and many hugs, Colorado! On, Wisconsin! :)