From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
An Open Letter from Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK)
Dear Americans,
As chairman of the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works, I'm proud to submit my long-term plan for dealing with one of the most pressing issues of our time: what to do about the environment. As a leader in the modern-day conservative movement, I realize the precious responsibility I have to take bold, decisive action. To that end, I have developed a solution that brings me great joy and satisfaction.
It's called Clap and Trade, and it's a simple two-part policy.
Step 1: Clap Everybody who is concerned about the environment should take five minutes a week to clap. Clap loudly. Clap forcefully. Clap until you feel the palms of your hands sting. You can clap in public or in private. You can clap alone or with others. Just clap your heart out once a week and all the so-called global warming will disappear, I'm told.
Step 2: Trade Here's how it works. We trade wind turbines for fracking stations. We trade solar arrays for drilling rigs in national parks and along the coasts. We trade emissions standards for no emissions standards. We trade vegetables for cows. We trade the EPA headquarters for a popsicle stand. (Popsicles are cold, so that should be comforting to you worrywarts.) We trade electric cars for good old-fashioned gas guzzlers. And we trade train tracks for above-ground pipelines. The list is longer, but that's the gist. We'll also trade lots of things for coal.
As you can see, Clap and Trade is a simple, straightforward, effective solution that will put America back on the path to the kind of environment we deserve. Namely, the kind humanity can suck the life out of for money and leave the cleanup to the kids.
Happy snowball tossing and God Bless,
Jim
P.S. Don't forget that clapping thing. Seriously. They tell me it works.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Note: Sorry about our non-appearance yesterday. C&J was locked and loaded, but we kept getting a message saying that the server wasn't speaking to us because of that one time in 2007 when we yelled at it for not leaving a paragraph indentation where we told it to. So let that be a lesson to us all. The Great Orange Borg does not like to let go of grudges.
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9 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Daylight Saving Time ends:
227
Days 'til the
National Cherry Blossom Festival in DC:
9
Drop in the U.S. trade deficit in January:
8.3%
(Source: Commerce Dept.)
Date of this year's general election in Britain:
5/7/15
Percent chance that the Iditarod sled-dog race had to be moved further north due to lack of snow:
100%
Percent of respondents to a Quinnipiac poll who say that Fox News and CNN, respectively, are the most trusted news outlets in America:
29%, 22%
Percent who chose CBS and NBC News, respectively, with all the other cited news outlets ranked below them:
10%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 179 (including 3 instances of financial unrest and 2,000 years of Any Day Now). Soul Protection Factor 14 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Sniff
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CHEERS to movin' on up. Congresswoman Donna Edwards is a progressive rock star who wins her elections with 80 percent of the vote. She is awesome and, with Barbara Mikulski stepping down at the end of her term, Donna's got her eye on becoming the junior senator from Maryland:
A kickass successor
to Senator Mikulski.
Edwards, 56, has drawn early support from national progressive organizations, who helped her oust incumbent Albert Wynn in the 2008 Democratic primary and last week announced a movement to get her to run for Senate. … As Maryland’s first black congresswoman, Edwards could appeal to African American and female voters, both strong Democratic constituencies. She also could try to stake a claim to be well-suited to succeed Mikulski, the longest-serving woman senator. Edwards, who is in her fourth term, represents a district that includes Prince George’s and parts of Anne Arundel counties.
Yesterday she
made it official yesterday. Her main competitor will be Chris Van Hollen, a rich white guy. No thanks. The Senate has enough of those.
CHEERS to stepping in a smelly pile of it. Just as House Republicans reaped no benefit from their Netanyahu stunt, Republicans in the Senate---47 in all---are getting an earful over their little Iran "open letter" stunt. I don’t post newspaper op-eds much anymore, but this one from The Detroit Free Press lays out the stupidity of this stunt and delivers the proper fist to the jaw. A snip:
It's all about that Bibi, 'bout
that Bibi, 'bout that Bibi...
The Iranians aren't buying it. "In our view, this letter has no legal value and is mostly a propaganda ploy," Javad Zarif, the Iranian foreign minister, said in a written statement published in the New York Times. "I wish to enlighten the authors that if the next administration revokes any agreement with 'the stroke of a pen,' as they boast, it will have simply committed a blatant violation of international law."
Daniel Drezner, writing in the Washington Post, notes that this letter may have the opposite effect its signatories intended — signaling to Iranian leaders that a new American regime would be less likely to make a deal, prompting more cooperation now. And if an Obama-crafted deal were successful, he writes, it's unlikely to be dismantled by a future president. …
But the Republicans who dispatched this letter have done more than embarrass a president they dislike. They have also disgraced themselves and undermined the credibility of the nation whose constitution they took an oath to uphold.
The only way to tell a Republican apart from an Iranian Mullah these days is the flag pin.
JEERS to abandoning your principles. I've been thinking about this misleading "right-to-work" bill that Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker
just signed into law (after promising during his re-election campaign last fall to not sign it or even bring it up). The law now allows non-union private-sector workers, like a remora attaching itself to a whale, to benefit from union workers by getting all the benefits of union membership without having to pay the dues. So there you have it, America: proof that Republicans really
do love moochers and freeloaders. As long as you're the right kind.
CHEERS to the Sith twins. (Or, more accurately, cheers to the endless comedy potential these two provide.) Completing another destructive orbit around the sun today: the cuddly Rupert Murdoch (84), and the man for whom the Speedo was not invented, Antonin Scalia (79). For those of you who think you've hit rock bottom in life, consider this: at least you're not the piece of cake that ends up hoofing it through their digestive tract today.
"Peanuts! Popcorn! Souvenirs!"
JEERS to the day the circus came to the U.N. Yesterday's presser about "emailgate" gave us a preview of the 2016 madhouse looming around the corner. After leaning on her diplomatic skills once again to break up an argument between delegates over the last Jello cup in the United Nations cafeteria, Hillary Clinton did a fine job answering the legitimate questions and batting away the stupid ones. What happened was, basically she used her own Secret Service-guarded server for private and government emails, and she turned the government ones over to the government and deleted the private ones about yoga class and Chelsea's wedding. That's pretty much it. So unless we find out that Chelsea is raising a giant army of yoga grandmas to destroy civilization, I think we can all relax. Although an army of cloned yoga grandmas is probably the one thing that would scare the bejeezus out of ISIS.
CHEERS to Senator Lindsey Graham. Yes, the blind squirrel who gets the vapors anytime an ISIS video says "Boo!" has found a nut. He was in Iowa over the weekend at the ethanol-worshipping summit, when apparently the subject of immigration reform came up. Graham, who voted for the immigration bill that John Boehner refused to bring to the floor, actually said something pithy:
“Strom Thurmond had four kids after he was 67. If you’re not willing to do that, then we need immigration."
Why, I may have to bring him a glass of fresh lemonade next time I see him settin' for a spell under the magnolia tree.
CHEERS to lending a hand. On March 11, 1941, President Roosevelt signed the Lend-Lease Act into law, which allowed American-built war supplies to be shipped to the Allies on loan months before our official entry into World War II. Not to be picky, Britain, but four pencils and a weather balloon are still unaccounted for. [Uncomfortably long pause] And we'd like them back.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 11, 2005
JEERS to the second coming. `Passion of the Christ'---with 6 minutes removed to make it friendlier, in Mel Gibson's words, "to your Aunt Martha, Uncle Harry or your grandmother"---is being dragged back into theatres for Easter. Which reminds us of a joke we heard in Key West: Jesus freak walks into a hotel, plunks three nails down at the front desk and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
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And just one more…
Monday: feeling better. You can
see the scar on Haley's hind leg.
CHEERS to C&J's senior editor. And by senior editor I of course mean C&J's yellow lab mix Haley, who joined our family two years ago. (
Already???) Haley is a rescue dog---a southern belle from Macon Georgia who had a bumpy start to life. She was dropped off at a shelter in a cage with 13 other puppies. She had a scary trip up north. Overcame parvovirus, worms and a nasty sinus infection that would seal her nostrils almost completely shut in the middle of the night. And a dozen days ago a surgeon took a bone saw to her back leg and reset it to compensate for the ligament in her knee that was tore up pretty good. She's been a real trooper about it, and yesterday the vet looked at her and pronounced her recovery "ahead of the curve." But, good lord, let's hope this is the last of her troubles for awhile.
Far be it from me to suggest that Haley's the best dog in the world (she is), but suffice it to say she and her Dobbie ears (or, if you prefer Michael's description, Sister Bertrille Flying Nun hat flaps) have charmed the kibble out of us. I hope she agrees to keep us for another year. The tail wagging its little butt off as I write this suggests she's leaning yes.
Have a big slobbery Wednesday. Oh, and if you want more info on the Women on 20s campaign mentioned in our C&J poll, and/or you want to vote for your top three candidates (yes, they want your name and email address, of course), click here. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Cheers and Jeers offends myself and a lot of other people."
---Senator Rand Paul
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