From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Life Lessons I Learned from Republicans in April
From the deep thinkers in Conservative Land:
The economy is still struggling because workers are watching porn all day. (Carly Fiorina)
The way to stop gun violence in America is a law requiring that all 319 million Americans attend church every Sunday. (AZ state Senator Sylvia Allen)
The way to stop gay marriage is Christian tent revivals. (Rand Paul)
Moms and dads must not let their kids join the military until President Obama leaves office because he's turning new enlistees into zombie atheists. (Mike Huckabee)
If your child misbehaves while you're at work, bellow the magic words "Big Daddy's home!" when you pull into the driveway. Then raise your hand to the "twerp" and…Wham!!! (Pat Robertson)
Unless the black community you're driving into is full of billionaire George Washington Carvers, put the pedal to the metal and don't stop! (Sen. Mark Kirk)
Government death panels are now okey dokey! (Presidential candidate George W. Jeb Bush)
To stop players from getting injured during high school football games, put prayer back in school. (Former Rep. Allen West)
Being a heterosexual adulterer or parent abuser is not sinful enough to affect your ability to get a wedding cake made by a Christian baker. (Christian baker)
Fact-checking is for sissies. (Powerline & Breitbart.com)
B stands for bisexual and that's orgies. (James Dobson)
Print this out and sign your name at the bottom along with the letters "Ph.D." Then frame it and hang it on your wall, you genius, you.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 30, 2015
Programming Note: Tis cottage-opening season…that glorious time of year when we help various friends do battle with a winter's worth of cobwebs, moth balls, dust and dead flies in a tradition dating back millennia. So we're using some saved-up vacation days (yes, we got them approved by HR) as follows: there will be no C&J this Monday (May 4), next Friday (May 8) or the following Monday (May 11). During these absences we will think of no one but you. Well, you and also "Ick! Dead flies! Dead flies!" But mostly you. ---Mgt.
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Tears flow in 8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til
the Kentucky Derby:
2
Days 'til the
Glennville Sweet Onion Festival in Georgia:
8
Estimated minimum cost to rebuild Nepal in the wake of the earthquake:
$10 billion
(Source: Finance Minister Ram Mahat)
Drop in the cost of owning a car last year:
2%
(Source:
L.A. Times)
Number of Maine firms with revenue of less than $10 million and more than $10 million, respectively:
74,700 / 619
(Source:
The Portland Press Herald)
Estimated number of
shipwrecks in the Great Lakes:
6,000
Percent chance that the NFL is finally giving up its tax-exempt status:
100%
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
"You know, that man could be president someday."
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Yes, Maddie is still on things, but she's branched out and is now also in things and under things.
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"I find your lack of faith in
economic equality disturbing..."
CHEERS to the spunky kid from the Green Mountains. I don’t know what time exactly he's going to make the announcement, but today's the day that Hillary Clinton---who has been sounding all the right notes lately, I'll admit---gets a challenger:
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders:
Sanders’s backers said they hope he can serve as a proxy for [Elizabeth] Warren’s disappointed drafters, helping to animate small-dollar Democratic donors with his brash persona and speeches condemning the “billionaire class.”
Speaking not long ago with The Washington Post, Sanders said his message would be concentrated on the “collapse of the middle class” and “income and wealth inequality,” which he called a “huge issue from a moral sense and a political sense.”
Bernie will certainly inspire Hillary to sharpen her message and debate skills. But I think the people he'll rattle most are those in the Republican field. Because when he puts on a pair 'o shades and starts talkin', he's gonna make socialism look
goooood.
JEERS to scaredy cats in shit-kickers. The gun-toting right-wingers in Texas must be overstuffing their Stetsons with tinfoil, because they're clearly not getting enough circulation to their brains:
To the Texas crazies, this
time the Russians is US!
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Texas Republican Gov. Greg Abbott on Tuesday asked the State Guard to monitor a U.S. military training exercise dubbed "Jade Helm 15" amid Internet-fueled suspicions that the war simulation is really a hostile military takeover.
The request comes a day after more than 200 people packed a meeting in rural Bastrop County and questioned a U.S. Army commander about whether the government was planning to confiscate guns or implement martial law. Bastrop County Judge Paul Pape said "conspiracy theorists" and "fear mongers" had been in a frenzy.
"It's a sad when people's greatest fear is their own government," Pape said. "Think about the ramification of that. If Americans go to sleep at night worrying whether their own government is going to sell them out before morning, it'd be hard to sleep."
Yeah…[Citizens United]…it'd be…[Sequester]…really…[NAFTA]…hard to…[Voting Rights Act struck down, voter suppression laws enacted]…sleep at night…[Repeal of Glass-Steagall]…if the government…[TPP]…sold them out…[Billionaires buying candidates]…before...[Hobby Lobby]...morning. Wait a minute… Save me a space at The Alamo, Texas fear mongers! I'm comin' to join ya!
CHEERS to "#1." 226 years ago today, on April 30, 1789, sports bars were packed as millions watched George Washington take the oath of office as the first President of the United States. For my money, this scene from HBO's John Adams still perfectly captures firsthand accounts of the awkwardness (How do we do this?), solemnity (Shut up, you guys, we're doing this), and euphoria (We did this!) that hung in the air that day. That's David Morse as George and Paul Giamatti as Adams, and you have to click through to You Tube to see it (thanks a lot, HBO):
Time to haul out the ol' confetti cannon. While I fire it, you might want to stand over there. In the next county.
JEERS to whack-a-mole: voter suppression edition. Man, Republicans just never get tired of making it harder to vote:
You know the drill:
point, then laugh.
The Maine Senate has given initial approval to a bill that would require residents to show photo identification in order to vote. The Republican-controlled chamber voted 18-17 in favor of the bill Wednesday. It now heads to the Democratic-led House, which is expected to reject the proposal. Republican Sen. Scott Cyrway said it would eliminate any chance that voter fraud could occur. He says if residents must present an ID to do things like buy certain cold medicines, they should also have to when they vote.
Pardon my French, but fuck you Cyrway. Read the report from just
two freaking years ago:
An independent panel formed by a Republican official and charged with examining Maine's electoral system has concluded that the state should not a implement voter ID system. "The Commission, by a 4 to 1 vote, finds that the negative aspects of a Voter ID law outweigh its potential benefits and recommends that a Voter ID system not be pursued in Maine," read the report from the five-member panel.
Democrats control the House. I hope they throw a great big party when they light Cyrway's bill on fire.
CHEERS to Great Moments in Real Estate. On April 30, 1803, Robert Livingston and James Monroe concluded a deal with France that increased the size of the United states by 828,000 square miles. Price tag: $23,000,000. We know it as The Louisiana Purchase. Century 21 agents know it as "The holy grail of commission checks."
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 30, 2005
CHEERS to understaying your welcome. The Simpsons airs its 350th episode on Sunday. Thankfully, creator Matt Groening says, "I think the show has almost reached its halfway point, which means another 17 years." Carry on, Springfield.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to dishin' on the dishes. The attendees at the state dinner for Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe Tuesday night became part of White House culinary history as the first guests to snarf their vittles on the First Lady's new china. The pattern plays off of elements of sets used by Eisenhower, Truman, Clinton and post-War-of-1812 Madison. But the First Couple put their own twist on it, and the set will be forever known as the "Obama Kailua Blue china.” Have a look:
It cost $367,000 for 320 place settings, and you can bet the right-wingers are going to be spewing their half-chewed pork rinds all over the room when they hear about it. If you get a fire-breathing "Dishgate" email from a crazy Breitbart-reading, Rush-listening, Fox News-watching relative, you can gently inform them that no taxpayers were harmed in the production of the china because it was all taken care of by the non-profit White House Historical Association. But just to mess with their heads, add: "In Kenya."
Have a squeaky-clean Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
A spectator rose from the kiddie pool and started screaming, "If you read Cheers and Jeers, you will burn in Hell! It’s an abomination!" That wasn’t the ugly part, though. In the quiet moment after the man was removed, Justice Antonin Scalia filled the silence with a quip. "It was rather refreshing.”
---Political Wire
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